Somebody Else
by southxsouthwest
Summary: People need people, even Emily Prentiss. It's been four years and Emily is back with the BAU as unit chief, but a lot has changed over those years. How will the team and JJ cope with those changes? Will Emily and JJ ever be able to find their ways back to each other? Slow burn. Love rectangle. Season 11-13 timeline, but frequent flashbacks from earlier seasons.
1. Someone

**This story mostly takes place in season 11 on, with a little tweaking of the timeline on my part, but there are also characters/plot points from earlier seasons. Some more notes at the end.**

It had all started in the BAU headquarters, and it was fitting that was where it would end too. In all fairness, it wasn't an ending. It was a new beginning. But to her it felt like an ending. She had been called back three times. The first wasn't a choice, and neither was the second. This time it was technically optional, but it didn't feel like it. It felt like an obligation, strangely enough a familial one.

After all of those years that feeling of kinship hadn't changed, but a lot of things had. She looked out from his- now her- office at the BAU bullpen. People had passed through the block of desks. Different agents of different ages and backgrounds had drifted in and out of the bullpen. Supervisors had come and gone- even permanently gone in the way of death. So much had changed and here she was yet again. The rest of the unit had felt like it was all sorted. To them everything was finalized. The BAU was going to be okay. Granted, Hotch was gone and so was Morgan, and even Strauss, but Emily Prentiss had just taken the job as Unit Chief. She was officially there to save them. She was there to bring them stability, and they were going back to the good old days. Things would feel familiar, safe, and most of all normal again. But to her, well, she knew it was just the beginning.

There was just so much she had left unsaid after she moved to London. She could lie to them, and herself even, and claim it wasn't done on purpose, but the fact was that it was. Years ago she had cut herself off out of self-preservation and now she had to come back into the flock. It would be easy to blame it on Doyle. It would add up as cop-outs go, but Emily's shutting off from the BAU's world was about someone else entirely. As a consequence, there was so much she needed to tell them. Strangely enough, it was the newest Agent Alvez who had noticed it first.

* * *

Sure, the first signs had been around six months earlier, but no one knew to the extent. First, Rossi had casually dropped in conversation that there was a "someone" in Emily's life. It was something she had off-hand mentioned to Garcia. It was nothing she thought that would be overly fixated on. Then again, it was Garcia so maybe she should've realized it would be spread around. Yes, a year prior she had sneakily- well she had hoped- dropped into conversation there was someone in her life. "Someone" was where the information began and ended. On the copycat murder case, after talking with Rossi and JJ about the resignation of Derek, he had mentioned it.

"You know, I can't believe it," Rossi said as he feigned hurt, "The whole ride down here, you didn't mention them once." Confused, Emily looked at the man before he continued on, "I'm just saying."

"What? Morgan? Ok, guys, I'm sorry. I was going to. I was just giving you space. I mean, he just left…You must still be raw. I remember leaving you guys both times. I was heartbroken. I'm sure he's gonna be ok. He's with his family, and he's- Morgan. How are you guys doing? You holding up?" She rambled on awkwardly.

The blonde also not catching on to whatever Rossi was hinting at answered, "Yeah. I mean, some days are better than others."

"Actually," Rossi cut in with a devious smile, "I was giving you a hard time over your _someone_." Rossi chuckled as he looked over to JJ, who covered her own confusion with a slight laugh.

"Wait-how do you know about that?" Emily shot back. Her expression was of confusion, but also slight irritation and distress. Before the older profiler could really focus on it though, JJ had inadvertently covered for her.

"Oh, come on, I'll give you one guess." JJ has said it flatly, devoid of emotion besides a touch of amusement.

And immediately as Emily had simply replied "Garcia," for some inexplicable reason she felt hit by a feeling of sadness. Just like that, the moment was over, but it was a moment she had been purposefully avoiding. She could never explain why, but for some reason she felt the need to shield JJ from that part of her life. She felt guilty. It was why she was so cagey with the technical analyst to begin with. Garcia had more leaks than the Titanic and Emily desperately didn't want JJ to know.

Emily had carefully guarded this "someone," but the brunette definitely noticed JJ _noticing _her taking personal phone calls from her partner. She knew the younger woman picked up on how quick she was to write off talking about her "person," at the end of the case under the guise of talking about it on some "girl's night" that they both knew would never come. The case had been hard on Emily. It had been painful to her, and if it was five years ago Emily probably would have confessed to JJ in a corner of some dark room that it was one the few cases that made her feel a compulsive need for revenge. But it wasn't five years ago. It was now, so those feelings went unsaid.

And like clockwork the subject of Emily's new life was brought up again few months later when Tara had sympathized with Emily being torn over taking the job.

"But you've got a life back in London and someone waiting for you at home."

It was complicated for her. She did have a life back in London. Could it compete with life at the BAU? Well, not much could. On somedays, when it was quiet and she was left alone to get lost in her thoughts, she would find herself drifting back to ten years prior. Before Doyle and Haley's death and Will- back to when she was young and brand new and no one trusted her but JJ. Oddly enough, when she was living through that time she thought she was so unhappy- so frustrated with the BAU and its own version of mistrustful hazing. Now she looked back on those years like they were her best. But, as time does, the years had passed and it felt like life had been slowly pushing the group down a path where she was constantly being broken. Whenever she would start to idealize her time at the BAU she would have to remind herself it wasn't all 2006. There was a reason she left. There was a reason she rebuilt.

She had let on to Tara that it was something that was hardly on her mind given the circumstances, but the fact was that every spare second since talking to Rossi she mulled over the decision. She felt compelled not to intermix her old and new lives. It had been hard to even create a new life. It was painful and taxing to move on, and now she was throwing all her hard emotional work away. She had created distance when she had thought it impossible for years. She had finally moved on. For once, she hadn't spent her time waiting and pining. Even with all these things considered, Emily had called home to let her know she would be staying a little longer than anticipated. The other woman had offered to visit her the next week. Even on the phone call Emily had claimed that she had yet to decide for sure one way or another. It wasn't until she really looked into those familiar blue eyes that she decided.

"You ok?" JJ gently asked after she tentatively approached the brunette who had been gazing out the window of the jet.

"Yeah, I'm just glad we found those kids," Emily replied in a tired voice as she moved to face JJ and Reid.

"Oh, yeah, me, too," JJ slightly fumbled before she continued on, "But, uh, I was talking about that other thing." The truth was she sick of Emily's coming and goings. She had gotten used to seeing her everyday. She had missed seeing her everyday. She had missed the coffee and snacks and snark. She had desperately missed looking over and sharing looks of frustration, comedy, reassurance, and idea-sharing with her. All these years later and she still really didn't know how to articulate who Emily was to her. What she was sure of though was that she had missed Emily so, and couldn't explain the sense of elation she felt when Rossi had told them Hotch had recommended Emily for his old job. Truthfully, even though she had known Hotch longer and he was more consistently in her life, she didn't even feel an urge to grieve their departed long-standing boss. It felt like purely good news: Emily was back.

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you guys. What do you think?" Emily asked, and JJ was content to let Reid respond for them both.

"I think we've been through a lot of changes and we always figure it out, you know? Morgan left, and now Hotch, but if you stay, it'll be ok."

JJ observed the other woman's body language, the little cues that only she had picked up on over the past few years, and was visibly happy when it looked like Emily was receptive to what Reid had been saying. "Well, I made some phone calls…"

"And?" JJ cut in.

"I'm working on it."

"Well, that's a good start." JJ felt like such a child, but she felt compelled to remind the other woman there was a time frame. There would be nothing crueler than Emily losing out on the job because she took too long to answer, "But they need an answer in the morning, right?"

"I know."

"Here's the truth," Reid began, and JJ was eternally grateful he was helping in lobbying Emily to stay, "If you don't take the position, they're gonna bring in some stranger to be the Unit chief. And I don't know how that'll turn out, but the learning curve could be brutal."

"It'll probably stink for us, but look, we're your friends and we'll support you no matter what you decide," JJ had offered, but Emily could see it in her eyes: the desperate hope. It was the yearning. It was the same look they had continued to give each other over the years that had gotten them into so much trouble; that had given them so much heartache. In that moment Emily didn't think of the mixing of her past and present. She didn't think of all the hurt and love and pain and affection she and JJ had shared over the past nine, nearly ten years. No, before she could even think about what she was agreeing to she said it.

"I'm gonna stay."

* * *

And there she was a few hours later, alone in the BAU she was now leading. She had made the decision, and now she had to make the call. Actually, she had made a decision and told the team _first_, which she was sure was against the rules. She fidgeted with her left ring finger and thought back to the conversation she had with Luke a couple weeks prior. It had happened just a few days after Rossi had once again brought up the dreaded personal life questions. He had simply asked her if things were going okay and if she was being treated well, both of which she could honestly answer "yes" to. However, later Luke had pushed it a bit farther. Right as she was going to leave him to catch up with JJ and Garcia for a drink, after she had promised to keep his Army assignment between them, he had called back to her. "One more thing I noticed."

"Whaaat," Emily jokingly drawled out. Although, she really did want to leave to get that drink.

"The control thing- I will admit I did not pick that up from you not wanting to piss in the woods."

"Mhmm."

Alvez shared a small smile with the woman before he shook his head, "It was about. It was about how, you know, people who normally do that," he nodded toward her twirling of her fingers around her left ring finger, "They normally wear rings." Emily immediately stopped before he continued on, "That's the control thing I meant: controlling the flow of information." Slightly annoyed, the older woman had made a point to laugh good-naturedly and remark she was getting profiled too much that week. But even as the month went on it stuck out to her. She knew they would all notice eventually.

Emily thought of the interaction as she sat down at the stately wooden desk that now belonged to her, and picked up her phone. She traced the spot on the desk where Hotch had kept a picture of Jack. She thought of the perfect picture of her blonde wife she was going to put in its place before her call was answered.

"Hey, about our earlier conversation, yeah, I think you should ask for that transfer."

* * *

** I got some requests to write something using the later seasons (and also to make it a little happier) so this is a slow-burn story that I think meets both of those requests. ****A lot of Emily/JJ stories seem to have a similar trajectory and I think I've found a way to do it a little differently.**

**If this is something you're interested in, drop a review and I'll keep going with it.**


	2. Good Lord

She had waited for the rest of the team to filter out and go home before she left her new office. It had been such a habit from Hotch that no one really noticed or remarked on her staying late. The truth was that even though Hotch was a part of a team, there was a separation there. They rarely invited him on nights out that weren't special occasions because they knew he had a lot more work than they did, and he had a personal life. Emily reasoned that the same would probably happen with her, and maybe it would help. The distance would help with her having to come back. She had been excited to return home, but the thought unnerved her too.

Frequently, over the past four years she had reminded herself over and over again like a mantra that she had left for a reason. Any time she missed she BAU she would force herself to remember she left because she couldn't stand to be there anymore. Now things were different. Now the team needed her. Reid had practically pleaded with her to stay. Now the unit had lost the pillars of Hotch and Derek. If it- being there, seeing her- became too much for her she couldn't just suddenly exile herself again. Emily was no longer in the position to cry "uncle" and run away. So, in a way, she was relieved that no one noticed her working late or came into her office to remark on her getting through the whole day. Well, mostly she was relieved JJ didn't- that was until she did. Ironically, she was the only person who did.

It had only been a couple of seconds, but even those brief moments could being her back. The sight of JJ tapping on her glass window to give her that sweet, dopey smile with her eyebrows raised. It was a silent "you did, Em" from the blonde. A couple seconds of wordless staring though glass was all it took. After JJ walked off, Emily had felt that familiar swirling uneasiness in her stomach. That one second impelled her to unlock her desk and take the plain platinum band out. It couldn't have been any more than a few ounces, but she could sense it. It felt heavy. It weighed on her in a way she couldn't not notice, much the same way she could feel a new cavity filling. The brunette twirled the ring around her finger a few times before she rose from her desk and began the familiar walk to Garcia's office. There was something about walking down to Garcia's office to talk about JJ that typically had felt natural to her. It was once such a habit, but there was a different feeling to this particular walk. Truthfully, most the of previous walks to Garcia had hurt, and this one did too but for a different reason Emily couldn't quite work out. She took a deep breath and stopped right before hitting JJ's old office and debated checking it out again. Ultimately she just walked by and continued to Garcia, wagering going into the old cluttered space wasn't going to be the same anyway. JJ wasn't there.

"Come in," the technical analyst offered after Emily had rhythmically knocked on her door.

Emily smiled after she closed the door behind her and opted to lean against it, leaving her left hand hidden behind her body, "Hey, Pen, can we talk?"

Garcia had immediately smiled back at the older woman. She had missed this so much over the past few years, "Sure thing boss_woman_. How was the first day?"

Emily took a deep breath followed by a sigh before she answered, "You already know."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really, not in the mood to rehash. It's just a learning curve, I'm still trying to sort out how I want to lead. Funny enough, when it came to Unit Chief at Interpol I was nervous about the paperwork. I was confident about the team and field work aspects. But BAU chief? Where everyone knows me? It's hard to go from being in the 'group' to the leader. I don't know I can command like Hotch given all our history together," Emily said in a tired voice. She hadn't meant to bring all of that up, but the fact was that it was something she had worried about all day. She was trying to grow. At the very least open up to the women who had tearfully begged her to after Doyle. Emily had moved to rub her tired eyes before she caught herself.

"Don't feel that way. We all respect you,' Garcia offered in a gentle voice. She gave the other woman another reassuring smile, "Hotch is just Hotch. We all loved Hotch, but he was Hotch and you're you. You don't have to become a "Hotch." You're still our fearless leader, just not as scary."

The sentence made them both laugh a little. Emily continued to chuckle as she spoke up, "Thanks Pen, really, just a flash of imposter syndrome… And I actually wanted to talk to you about...not work."

"Ooh la la, what hot goss do you have for me?" Garcia asked as she leaned forward in her chair to rest her elbows on her knees and pressed her hands together to rest under her chin. She pointed to the spare chair across from her, which Emily nodded "no" to before Garcia went on, "I'm shocked you're telling me after my public humiliation mere hours ago!"

"I might just be counting on your leaking abilities this time."

"Oh, really?"

Emily bit her bottom lip before she answered, "Warning: it's strange."

"Now I'm even more interested!" Garcia exclaimed as she shivered a little in excitement. "Tell me al-read-y."

Emily chuckled against at the dramatics before she began her stammering, "To add to my warning it's not that interesting. It's strange- for me. It's weird to say. It's more odd than fascinating, but I'm, kind of, well, I guess the best way to put it would be to describe it as, being, well, you know, pretty much, well completely, I am married?"

Garcia was completely dumfounded. "Huh?"

"Uh, yeah."

Garcia furrowed her brows and began tilting her head from one side to the other, looking somewhat like a confused animal, "Married to the job?"

"No, married in the vow way."

"Wow," the blonde merely said. Emily was sure there was going to be more of an excited reaction. If you had told Emily a few years ago that she would be telling Garcia she was married, she would have expected screaming and cheering and hugging. In reality it was just breathless wow's. It appeared that she had broke the blonde. "I really thought you were overly building that up, but you most surely were not," Garcia said which shook Emily out of her thoughts. "I'm…wait?"

"I know," Emily laughed.

Garcia raised a finger and froze again for a second before she posed her next question, "And just to clarify, you are telling me you are married not asking?"

"Pen."

"I know, but you sounded unsure when you said it, and you've hit your head a lot."

That was the sentence that made them both burst into laughter. It wasn't particularly funny, but the situation was. Emily pinned a strand of her hair back, and in that move she gave a quick flash of the wedding band she wasn't forced to hide any longer. Forced to hide in her own mind, of course. "Fair enough," Emily conceded. "No, I'm telling you. Around, well, a week before I came down to help the BAU, when Hotch called me, we got quick hitched."

The details of where? Who wore what? Was there cake? Why wasn't I invited? Those questions were put aside by the baffled technical analyst to simply ask, "To who?" This was all so sudden. Didn't Emily just tell her just eight months ago she was just seeing someone? Garcia knew there were stereotypes that lesbians could move fast, but she thought that was a myth, and this was taking "moving fast" to a whole new level. That is unless Emily had been hiding this "someone" for a while. And that was another thing, Emily hadn't even said this person's name. The brunette had just dropped in conversation 'I'm seeing someone.' That's it. Garcia would bet that she was counting on Garcia not even noticing her saying it, but Garcia never forgot a significant other. The weird part was though, Garcia had no earlier hints that this 'other' was actually significant. "Really Emily, who is she? Is she British? Is she fancy?" Emily just laughed embarrassed at the questions. Garcia knew as odd as this was for her, it was probably way more uncomfortable on Emily's end. Which was her fault! "Emily you married a fancy didn't you?"

"No, no, you know her actually. Ashley Seaver."

"Ashley Seaver?" Okay, now Garcia was confused all over again.

"Her," Emily nodded. She was tired from the previous stretch of days and regretted not sitting. She took the seat across from Garcia as the other woman worked out her next line of questioning.

"You're married to Ashley Seaver?"

"Yeah."

"Wait," Garcia laughed, which made Emily do so as well, "I'm sorry. This is great news and I'm so happy for you, but just how?"

Emily shook her head with her trademark Prentiss chuckle. All things considered, Garcia had handled this pretty well, "I know. To be fair to me, I did say it was strange."

"It's not strange it's good!" Garcia said as she waved Emily's concerned off. "I'm happy! But, honey bun, I am so lost. Peep peep, I'm a little bird lost in this maze. Help me find my way out."

"What?" Emily laughed as she raised her hands to signal her confusion.

"I think you just broke me" Garcia giggled before she twirled around in her chair.

Emily had missed this. She had missed talking with Garcia and the slight dramatics. Although, this time maybe the dramatics were deserved. Emily did return back to the BAU married to someone they worked with 5 or so years earlier. It was an unexpected situation, "Well long story or short story?

"Long story!"

"So...short story," Emily laughed and dodged a piece of crumpled paper Garcia threw at her head. "You remember we dated a few years back for around a year before I…. died to put it one way."

"Yes," Garcia decided to leave that whole thing alone.

"Not too long after I moved to London I got in contact with her again and we started talking."

"Why after you moved to London?" The timing felt off to Garcia. Sure, she didn't know everything about Emily's comings and goings, obviously, but she didn't think Emily had reached out to Seaver when she had gotten back post-Doyle. For a reason Garcia couldn't quite explain just then, the timing had seemed weirdest in a list of "weirds."

"It just seemed like a good time," Emily cut into Garcia's musings. Once against Garcia thought it best to just leave that alone as the brunette carried on. "Then, not too long after my visit here to help with what JJ was going through, Ashley moved to London to work in the overseas office there. And we've been together since then."

"Oh, so she moved to London for you?"

"Her career," Emily clarified, "But it was a happy accident."

Garcia gave Emily _the look_ that said 'I know you're lying', "Well you know what they say, when you want to rise in the FBI ranks you go to London!"

Emily knew Garcia was challenging her on that point, but Emily was happy to move on, "I know. It's crazy and I'm sorry it has taken me forever to tell everyone."

"No, don't apologize. I'm just surprised. I think I just am confused why?"

"Oh, I don't know. Gay marriage was recently legalized nationwide, and Carol had just been released-"

"No, why you didn't tells us," Garcia cut Emily off. "We would all always be happy for you-"

"I know-"

"- I knew u were seeing someone, I just didn't think it was move across the pond serious. Leaving marriage out, it's just kind of a shock? Was there a reason you didn't want us to know?" Garcia slightly pressed. Emily getting married wasn't as strange as her not telling anyone for months after. Garcia would have thought Emily would have at least given them a name if she thought it was serious.

"Yeah, no, it wasn't as if I didn't want you to know." Lie. Emily was back a few weeks and she was already back to lying. She was trying to grow out this compulsive need for secrecy, but she gave herself this one instance. She allowed herself to have this one lie. It was complicated, and if she was being honest she didn't know exactly why. She didn't know exactly why she wanted to keep this from JJ. Logically, it didn't make sense, "Anyway, I just…" _didn't want to tell anyone_, Emily thought to herself. "Yeah, it's weird, but I think I didn't share because I didn't want to have things not work out, and then have to do that whole 'tell everyone about the break up' thing. And then it just felt weird to bring it up so late so I didn't, and now here we are."

Garcia nodded along, but she wasn't an idiot and she could tell Emily's rambles were essentially bullshit, "Have you told JJ yet?"

"No."

_And there it is _Garcia thought. "Oh," was all the technical analyst offered to her friend-turned-boss.

"She's married," Emily offered stupidly. She wasn't quite sure how JJ's marriage justified her actions, but she said it anyway. She supposed, in her mind anyway, it made sense. JJ got married with no consideration to how the rest of them would feel about it. And that is how it should be. They were friends, family even, but marriage was a personal decision none of them had to run by anyone. Granted, she knew Garcia was more perplexed about Emily's decision to keep her marriage quiet than her getting married to begin with, but Emily felt that was her right too. It was her right to keep things private until she worked out what was best.

"That she is."

"I was going to tell her over dinner." _Or, was hoping you would spill to her _Emily thought before clarifying her previous sentence, "With the unit." Garcia's judgmental face prompted Emily to ask, "Do you think I should tell her alone?"

Garcia bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling before she looked back at Emily to answer, "You two have a lot of history, a LOT of history. I think a better way to answer would be to ask you, chief gumdrop: what would you want her to do if the situations were reversed?"

"They were" Emily quietly answered. "Pen, I found out by being invited to her wedding, by Rossi."

"But that wasn't exactly a surprise."

Emily considered the sentence, _but that wasn't exactly a surprise. _It had been a surprise to her, fair or not. "I just wanted to tear off the bandaid all at once. You all like Ashley."

"We love Seav- Ashley," Garcia corrected herself. It was different now. She wasn't Ashley Seaver, young FBI trainee, but Emily Prentiss's wife. She wasn't even sure if Seaver was "Seaver" still. She could be Prentiss-Seaver. Seaver-Prentiss? Emily rubbed her exhausted eyes, Ashley was much better with this sort of thing than her. Maybe she could just have Ashley tell everyone about herself. "She kind of cheeped out on the bling," Garcia joked after she pointed to Emily's plain band.

The little joke brought Emily out of herself, "I'm not really a diamond girl. But, I was just planning to tell everyone at drinks. Have a little dip in the water, and then when she moves here we can host a dinner at our place and everyone can flog me then, including my wife."

Garcia nodded along, but she honestly felt that it was best if Emily told JJ alone. She knew it was easier to dump it on everyone at once so she didn't have to deal with any possible questions or feelings, but, for once, one of those two had to grow up and do what was best for the other person. However, Garcia knew this was a difficult situation for her older friend. She knew her history with JJ- the basics of it anyway. She had known that Emily and JJ had some sort of a 'thing' that ended when JJ got pregnant. She knew it didn't really stop in a way. Even after their affair stopped, Garcia knew being with JJ day-in and day-out was hard on the brunette. It's hard to get over someone when you see them everyday. It's hard to healthily get to what Garcia called the "hate phase" of a breakup when you're either constantly worried about the other's person's safety, or witnessing how amazing they are on a daily basis. Garcia knew it was hard on JJ too, but at least she had someone to go home to. Emily didn't, until now. She would never say it to Emily, but Garcia wondered if Emily's recent marriage was motivated by a need to have someone to come home to after working with _her_ all day long_. _Perhaps, after the stint in London, Emily wasn't used to that kind of loneliness anymore. And all of this knowledge put Garcia in between a rock and a hard place. All she wanted was to tell Emily to "woman-up," stop being weird, and tell the team that she was married now. She wanted Emily to do it in a way that would let know JJ, gently, for the sake of their friendship. Garcia had seen the hit JJ's not-so sudden marriage had taken on the two, and it wasn't even JJ's fault entirely. JJ's circumstances of bomb-then-surprise nuptial was a lot different from Emily's secret marriage. Then again, the past decade had been a lot harder on the brunette unit chief than the blonde profiler. Garcia desperately wished Derek was still around to tell Emily to stop acting like Seaver was her mail-order bride. But as the seconds of silence awkwardly ticked on, Garcia decided to just bypass the subject of JJ entirely, "I have a perfect plan for your bridal unveiling."

Emily looked visibly relieved at the change of subject, "What?"

"You walk in with no ring. Then, halfway through the dinner you take out the ring, ask for complete SILENCE, and ceremonially put it on in front of everyone. AND THEN, and then, you say in the famous Prentiss 'interrogating an unsub voice', 'I'm married bitches.'"

Emily burst out laughing at the dramatics. This is what she had needed. She needed one of her best friends to add some levity to the situation. And it was a good situation. She had finally moved on. She didn't feel pathetic. Maybe, if she was really honest with herself, she would admit there were still moments when she felt hung up on JJ. Brief moments when she would look over at the blonde and feel enveloped in a sense of awe and love, but where she would normally fall into a quiet sense of despair after remembering Will, now Emily could remember she had someone too. She had Ashley. She loved Ashley. She shared a commitment with Ashley. A real commitment that no one else would give her.

Emily's musings distracted her from being able to notice that Garcia had gotten out of her chair and was standing in front of her with outstretched arms, "Come here munchkin." Emily stood up and was immediately laughing in Garcia's bone crushing hug, "I'm-so-happy-for-you," Garcia said as she shook Emily back and forth with each word. "She's a knock out."

"She is. She FaceTimed me and she went back to red."

"Me-ow," Garcia teased as she pulled out of the hug. Garcia's happy face immediately faded to one of fake anger, "Back?! Four hair colors? Blonde-red-blonde-red? Seriously? I've already missed FOUR hair colors of you two together? SERIOUSLY?! What the hell Emster?!" Garcia yelled as she playfully swatted at Emily.

"Hey, I'm your boss now," Emily teased. "And on this note I'm leaving."

"Wait," Garcia instructed right as Emily opened the door was about to leave the small office, "Does 'new guy' know?" Emily stopped in her tracks and slightly cringed, in doing so she gave Garcia all the information she needed. "Goddamn it Emily! I hate 'new guy'!"

"I only told you," Emily defended after she rose her hands in surrender. "He just noticed," Emily laughed before she shared another smile with her friend before she finally left the room.

"I can't believe this," Garcia said to herself incredulously. She ranted as she packed up her things to go home for the night, "Oh, Penelope, you know how I said I'm seeing someone? Actually I'm married to her, and it's Ashley Seaver! You know, Jennifer Jareau Jr. from 10 years ago? Tada!" Garcia couldn't help but roll her eyes again and wish Morgan was there to stew with her. This was unbelievable for so many reasons. "I love that woman, but good lord. And they say I'm the weird one," Garcia muttered as she turned off her office light and walked out the door.

* * *

**I know... Ashley Seaver, boo. I know how most people feel about her, but she was the best character to use with the timeline/idea I'm using. I'm still just setting things up, but don't worry. There will be JJ/Emily moments soon. **

**Thanks for the reviews. It's always easier to keep writing when you know people are reading. Keep them coming ! **


	3. Derek

She was sure Emily was finally going to tell the team the next day. It had been a slow week at the BAU, and while they were never sure exactly when they were going to get the call, Garcia was positive Emily was going to have a chance to tell the team her news soon. So that's how she justified being in the bar with Derek Morgan that evening. She wasn't telling news that wasn't hers to tell. No, she was just spoiling someone who was going to find out the next day anyway. _Emily wouldn't be so dumb to think I wouldn't tell my Adonis _Garcia reassured herself with a nod on the drive over.

The Virginia bar was dark and nearly empty. There were two men drinking at the bar, with every other small round table empty. It was clean, too clean. It smelled like alcohol and cleaning supplies, not the distinct smell of stale alcohol and cigarettes wafting off patrons like the bars Derek was used to. The staff had likely known that until closing it was going to be a dead zone, and they might as well clean up now and save some time later. It was before midnight, but that was late for the quiet D.C. suburbs. It was late for Morgan too. With a family at home, Derek wasn't really a late night hang out type of guy anymore, but this was different. There were a combination of factors that made Derek drag himself out of his house to the sterile bar that night. First, Garcia had called him. Garcia had hardly ever called him lately. Second, Garcia had offered to meet up with him in _Virginia_. She was willing to meet up with him late and out of the way just to talk. Finally, she had said it was news about Emily. Typically, you put all of those things together and it isn't a good thing. That concern is what brought him to meet up with the technical analyst that night.

On Derek's part, the meet-up had been sudden. His relationship with the team had really changed after he left. Changed in that his relationship with them all seemed to fade away. That was the thing about life- it was busy. Life was busy, and the BAU had become its own little escape from the uncertain and, frankly, scary world its agents existed it. It was this odd combination of support group and college fraternity, but when you were out you were pretty much out. Derek had seen it before, but he didn't think it would be that way with him. The BAU's earlier departures, well, they didn't feel like the real BAU. Elle and Gideon weren't part of the BAU core like him, Emily, Reid, and co. Then there was Blake and Callahan, and while Derek liked them both, them leaving almost felt like addition by subtraction. And when the members of the BAU's 'heart and soul,' as Garcia liked to call it, left there were always extenuating circumstances involved. JJ temporarily leaving the BAU and not keeping in contact with anyone but Garcia was an extenuating circumstance. Each time Hotch left was too. Emily's entire life was an extenuating circumstance.

Derek Morgan didn't really think that leaving the BAU would make him so alienated from the rest of the team he considered his close friends, but it did. Life went on. Days, then weeks, then months passed and Derek Morgan went on with his life, as the BAU went on with theres. It was a little like graduating high school. There were both tiny fragments of time and huge life events that group of people would always share together, and in that way they would always be special to each other, but any promises to always stay in touch were misguided. So when he heard the phrase "Emily got married and didn't tell anyone" come out of Garcia's mouth, Derek wasn't exactly shocked. He wasn't really that surprised that the rest of the team didn't know the "Facebook news" from London, from a woman who didn't have a Facebook.

"Derek, hello," Garcia said as she waved her hands over his eyes. She had just arrived five or so minutes earlier and was shocked at the lack of shock from her former best friend at work. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah, I heard you baby girl," Morgan chuckled. He found this news to be a relief. "So what's the problem? You don't like the girl? Who is it?"

"No, just," Garcia pointlessly lowered her voice in the empty bar, "She didn't tell anyone."

"I don't know baby girl, I get it. Emily was gone. You had to know that things would change in four years."

"Change? Yes. Emily coming back to the team married? No. For the record, I was very good to her about it, but I can't deny my feels-feels got hurt. I asked Emily a million times how were things going on in that department, and you know what she told me?"

"Fine," Derek wagered out lod.

Garcia didn't listen and ranted over him, "FINE! She told me 'fine.' You don't marry someone 'fine,' Derek. You marry someone 'great' or 'wonderful.' She barely even mentioned her. I wouldn't even know her was a 'her' if she wasn't gay! What if she was bi, Derek? My intel would already be cut in half."

Derek laughed at the statement, "I married someone fione."

"No," Garcia scolded. As time had passed she had found herself more and more upset that her friend had failed to share this huge life news with her. It felt like a betrayal of the code they had with each other post-Doyle. Morgan ordered another gin and tonic for the woman, who quickly shook her head 'no' in reply. "I'm driving, far. Back to civilization far."

Derek nodded and offered her another smile. He knew that Garcia would always be happy for all of them in each of their individual lives, but all the change was hard for her. "Penelope, I get being surprised she never told you. I know you two keep in touch. Hell, I would be fucking pissed if I heard this a year ago. But-"

"But?"

"But, things change. Moving to a whole new place and having to make new friends and a new life, I can see not having as much time for us back here. I can see her wanting to keep in contact because she loves us all, but back then she really needed to start a new life. That whole Doyle thing really messed with Emily's head, and the JJ stuff too. She was just broken and out of it that entire year."

"Yeah," Garcia sighed. She always theorized that it was more JJ than Doyle that drove Emily out of town four years ago. She believed Emily could get over the Doyle stuff faster if she had JJ by her side. If the blonde was there to remind her she was okay, she did the right thing, and it was the team's job to get over what happened- not hers to win them over.

"Is she doing okay, with the new job I mean?"

"She's doing better. She's a lot better than before. She's definitely getting there. Almost back to our old gumdrop."

"Good," Derek refocused on Garcia before he got back to his original point about Emily's marriage. "Personally," Morgan went on as he pressed his hand over his heart, "I know it's hard when you know you have to move on because then, you actually have to move on. It's hard to move on while you're still tethered back to the rest of us. You miss it. You miss the BAU. I know I don't miss the work, or the danger, or being away from my family...but, man, the rides in the SVUs together? And those plane card games? And scamming money from Reid? Making fun of Rossi's Prada? That's the stuff that's tough. It's hard to leave that even when you want or need to. I think Emily just needed a fresh start. And she got one with undetermined spouse. She gave the basics about seeing someone else and that she was okay, and knowing Emily that shows you mean a lot to her."

"Yeah," Garcia agreed. She still didn't understand it, but she never had left the BAU the way Morgan or Emily had. At the very least, all that matter was that Emily was back.

"So," Derek began over the slight noise of his fingers drumming on the somewhat sticky table. "Who is the lucky lady?"

"Ashley. Seaver."

"Get out!" Now he was actually shocked. "That is weird," Derek admitted with a laugh. He took another sip of his drink before he laughed a second time. "Ashley Seaver?"

"I told you!"

"I always thought she was a rebound."

"She totally was. Emily could've told me she married Pippa Middleton and I would have been less surprised," Garcia teased with her hands raised in the air in disbelief. "And she was a total rebound. I always thought they got together because…"

"She was blonde and around and Emily is a lazy dater?"

Garcia pointed and laughed at Morgan, "The laziest! You know one time I offered to take her to Loews to meet women and she said 'no.' Then I told her we could make her an OK Cupid profile and she was all 'no, that's for weirdos.' I was on OK Cupid!"

"Was?"

"Yeah, all the guys were weirdos," Garcia mused before catching herself, "But just because I put too much fantasy on my profile. It was on me."

"I feel bad because they're married now, but damn that is weird as hell. They dated for like six months."

"From what Emily told me here is the dealio," Garcia began as the two leaned closer together across the table. This was the gossip session she was expecting with Morgan. Not his whole sappy 'we have to try to move on' spiel from earlier. Sure, it was probably all right and insightful, but still. "They dated for six or so months until Doyle. Then, she didn't tell Ashley she was back from dead until after she moved to London-"

"What?!" Derek interrupted, louder then he expected. He cringed a little and lowered his voice to repeat himself, "What?"

"Yeah, I have no idea how that whole 'Hey Ashley, I'm actually alive, but not in D.C. anymore, hehe,' conversation went."

"Did Seaver know Emily was back when she was back?"

"What?" It was too late to figure out that convoluted of a question. Maybe Garcia would have to drive Derek home…

"When Emily came back the first time, after Doyle, did Seaver hear from anyone at the agency Emily was back with the BAU and still alive?"

"Oh, no idea," Garcia answered truthfully. The reality was that although Garcia now knew the big picture of Emily and Ashley together, she didn't really have any details. "I know that sometime after that convo and talking, Ashley moved to London. Emily told me it was for Ashley's 'career.'"

"Bullshit, Princess," Derek laughed. God, Emily could be too much sometimes.

"And then recently they got married."

Derek nodded before he held up his scotch to his lips and briefly exhaled before having another sip. His voice was still slick when he spoke, "Emily starts talking to her after she leaves and suddenly marries her before moving back to the BAU. What does JJ think of this?"

It was a question they had been hovering around all night. What about JJ? Neither one of them had dared to say it out loud because they loved Emily. Neither of them would ever want to suggest that the woman could make such a bad judgement call. However, during their conversation they both knew they were thinking the same thing. Something had happened between Emily and JJ years ago. Something happened that caused radio silence between the two while JJ was temporarily reassigned. Garcia and Morgan never quite figured out what it was, but they knew it existed. Then, as suddenly as she had left, JJ was back and soon enough so was Emily. Sometime during that period Morgan and Garcia sensed the two had repaired their relationship, but it took a couple months during that post-Doyle year before the two seemed _close_ again. However, as soon as things were back to normal, they were different again. Emily was back to being anxious about staying, and JJ was back to being wrapped up in her life with Will. And now they come to find out that as soon as JJ got married, Emily had called her old rebound up and ended up marrying her right before she came back.

It was always about JJ somehow.

"She doesn't know," Garcia finally answered.

"How do you think she'll take it. Think she'll be jealous?"

"I hope so." Derek raised an eyebrow at Garcia's statement, "Her just being jealous would be our best option. I'm more worried she'll be heartbroken. I know JJ is married too, but Henry- now Michael- they change how you go about…and…"

"Feelings like that don't just go away."

"Not when you're together every day."

Morgan agreed with a sigh. He knew he shouldn't have, and it was only fair. More than fair, the whole situation was JJ's doing as far as he knew, but Morgan felt bad for the blonde. And now, being a father himself, he better understood the decisions JJ made that he had questioned before. It's difficult when you have to factor in the welfare of another person in every decision you make. It's difficult when you make the "right" decision, and that sets other things into motion that you could never imagine. "Is she happy with Seaver?"

"I think so?" Garcia said in an unsure voice. She had never seen the two of them together outside of work before. That was another thing that was strange about the situation. It wasn't as if Emily and Ashley were openly dating before when they were involved. Granted, some of that could be blamed on Strauss's policies, but they weren't even shamelessly close like Emily and JJ. "Broken up" JJ and Emily interacted more now than when Emily and Ashley were in their tryst. But Garcia reasoned that maybe it was a good thing. There was nothing from before that could taint her view of Ashley. She just knew her as a genuinely nice, new, smart, albeit naive, young agent. Getting to be around both of them together in the future was going to be like meeting a new person Emily had met in London. "Emily looks better having been back versus when she first got here from London…" Garcia trailed off quietly. "But I don't think that would be fair to put on Ashley."

"No, of course not," Derek added, but he thought the same thing. Emily had always seemed happier being back with the BAU, back with JJ. Perhaps it was solely because she was back with the BAU, but the two longtime friends each silently bet that it probably had a lot to do with a certain blonde as well.


	4. Personal

**Warning: this chapter is long. **

An exhausted Emily trudged into her hotel room. She was so exhausted from the day, and previous conversation, she had just dropped her bags at the front door and kicked off her boots. She hadn't even paid attention to the fact that all the room's lights were already on. That was until she heard the familiar voice call out her name. Ashley had jogged out from the bathroom wrapped in a white bath sheet. She was a little older, her hair now a dark red, but she still looked the same as when Emily met her six years prior.

"Hey," Emily greeted and gave the other woman a hug. She pressed soft kiss to Ashley's wet temple. "What are you doing here? Wet?"

Ashley laughed at Emily's confusion, and pushed a somewhat sweaty strand of Emily's hair back into place. She thought D.C.'s humidity was so much worse than London's. "I came to visit you, dummy."

"And they just let you in?"

"I'm very convincing," Ashley answered as she walked from the suite's small living room area to their bedroom to sit on the bed. And there it was. Being able to come home to find someone who cared about her and missed her? This is why she had done it. This is why she was married to Ashley Seaver. Emily had followed Ashley into the bedroom and positioned herself to lean against the room's long, dark, wooden dresser. She smiled at the younger woman who had been focusing on trying to itch her legs with her crossed feet. "Let me look at you again," Ashley ordered, which made Emily laugh. "It's only been two months and you look so much-"

"-Older" Emily cut in.

"Stop," Ashley interrupted with an eye roll of her own. "I was going to say better. You look like you've actually had six hours of sleep instead of the usual tossing three."

"Today…I feel old," Emily confessed. She wasn't sure if it was the being back after so many years, the recent instances she had spent comparing the past with the present, or officially having Hotch's job, but Emily felt older. "I think being around Reid's fountain of youth got to me."

"Aw, he can do that," Ashley remarked in a soothing voice before she ran her foot up Emily's pant leg.

"And _this_ is me on 7 hour's sleep."

"We're all old now. Baby, you want to know a secret?" Ashley dropped her voice for the theatrical effect, "I'm not twenty-six anymore. I'm thirty-two, on the highway to thirty-three."

"No!"

"Yes."

"To be honest, that just makes me feel older," Emily chuckled before she let out a tired sigh.

"I'm getting closer to 40, Emmy."

Emily fake gasped, "Oh, no!"

"I know, what happened to that pretty, young thing you fawned over who just gradated from the academy."

"Those were the days," Emily said with a wink.

"Speaking of- it is in poor taste? Possibly, but I love to answer 'my wife' when people ask 'What experienced supervisor would go after a young trainee?"

"Oh stop it," Emily teased before she started to change out of her work clothes. "I wasn't the boss then!"

Ashley laughed again before Emily sat down on the bed next to her. She loved the easy way they were able to joke with each other. She would sometimes hear about the strained, boring relationships of her fellow agents and cringe. It was after those days especially that she would rush home to Emily. Naturally, there were times when she would rush home to find no one home, but it never made her angry. It wasn't just that she understood the job, but even in her irritation she was grateful she had ended up with the other woman and not anyone else. She was grateful she could laugh with Emily. She was grateful she married someone who was so passionate about their work. She was grateful she married someone who could talk about any subject and sound like an expert. She was grateful Emily knew nothing about current music and it gave her something to lord over her pop culture-clueless wife. She was grateful for the adventures they would get up to together, whether it was snorkeling in Cape Town or just searching out Harry Potter events. She was grateful that this woman, who Ashley thought could have anyone else in the world, loved and was loyal to her. "So how was it?"

"What?"

"Your first day."

"It was long. Honestly, it was a hard first day, but the potential is nice… I think."

Ashley shook her head at the boring review. Emily was too humble, "It was _nice _to have your boss's job? Come on Em. Come on, it feels good."

"I just feel bad about being feeling good," Emily admitted. It wasn't as if Hotch stepped aside on his own, or was given a promotion and then she was promoted. "Given the circumstances I mean…" Emily trails off.

"And I totally get that, but you can feel a little good." Both women lied on their backs and Ashley reached out to take Emily's hand into her own, "You earned this. You've earned more. You should be running the whole FBI."

"You just want me to give you favoritism," Emily teased. Seaver quickly nodded yes to the statement.

"For sure! Give me Swann's Unit," Ashley ordered with a laugh. "No, I'd miss seeing you too much. I missed you."

"I missed you too," Emily replied. She had said it in a perfunctory tone, but Emily was sure she meant it. She just hadn't had much time to miss the redheaded woman. "So, what are you doing here, really?"

Ashley furrowed her brow at what she thought was a very stupid question. Emily may have been over a decade older than her, but she did not seem to get relationships at all. It was something Ashley had brought up before in a fight when she had yelled: 'when is the new Emily firmware getting in?!' But after seeing how it had made the other woman even more guarded, Ashley decided that she would never bring up Emily's lack of emotional preparedness in relationships again. "I'm here to visit you, really."

"But you just asked for a transfer?"

"Yes," Ashley began with a yawn. She was still on London time, and it had taken a lot to stay up to wait until Emily came home, "Exactly. I'm getting no new consultations. I already had five days of approved time. Of course, Streeter reduced it down to three."

"Of course."

"But I missed you. So boxes and packing got two days, and I'm giving you three."

"I feel so special."

"You should" Ashley scolded with a grin. "I decided to visit my hotshot _wife _and then go back to do the whole 'show around and train' for a week with the fresh meat. And I'll be back here before you even notice I'm gone." Emily nodded along. "Tomorrow night, your ass is mine Prentiss." The brunette bit her bottom lip and audibly hissed at the statement. "No, what?"

"Rain check?"

"Emmy…" Ashley groaned, "Already?"

"Well, I was going to tell the team."

"Tell the team what?"

"About us."

Ashley was thoroughly confused. Emily hadn't told anyone on her team yet? Because Ashley had been in the BAU and they were the opposite of business talk only. It was shocking that her wife wouldn't have at least told someone. Sure, Morgan was gone, but there was still Garcia? Garcia was the nosiest of them all, and Ashley had thought Emily was pretty close with JJ too. "Not even JJ or Garcia?"

"I told Pen."

"Oh, okay, just thought it would be weird you didn't tell anyone after it's been already almost-" Ashley cut herself off with a yawn, "-3 months."

"No, nothing like that," Emily soothed. It was weird. Emily knew it was strange. She had said as much tens of times just the hour before, but she didn't want Ashley to think anything of it. "It's just been really hectic. The whole Scratch sending Hotch into witness protection ordeal, and this week- which should have been calmer- this week was a mess. It didn't feel right to bring up happy news into chaos like that. That's all, but now things are settled so tomorrow night."

"Okay. I just don't want you hiding me away because you're embarrassed. I know I didn't make all the best decisions a couple years ago when I was on the BAU-"

"Ash, no," Emily interrupted, turning to look at the other woman. She studied the redhead's features in the soft light that came from the bedside table's lamp. She had missed the blonde hair, but she was undoubtedly married to a truly beautiful woman. She felt she was lucky to not be alone. She was lucky that someone like Ashley waited for her to come home every night. "First off, you were brand new. And anyone who would've judged you is gone anyway. It's not anything like that I promise. Things will be just like they were in London. I promise. Better even, because my work friends- also known as my only friends- will be from the BAU. You already know them."

"Just about everyone besides Tara. Kind of JJ too, I never got to know her that well."

"And Alvez," Emily added. She was eager to move off the topic of the women of the BAU.

"That's why you look so alive here."

"Nice to know I looked dead in London for four years."

"You know what I mean," Ashley said over another yawn. "You missed them. You were so cut off from everyone when you were trying to adjust, and now you're back. Now you're back and you're the boss."

"And I'm the boss," Emily repeated. "I did miss them all, but you're right. I'm sorry. I should've forced it sooner."

"The fact that you just said 'force it' shows you did the right thing. I'm sorry. I was insecure. You do your dinner and tell them all you've _finally _made an honest woman out of me, and enjoy their tears about you being off the market."

Emily just nodded in reply and then changed the subject again, "What are you going to do all day?"

The mischief in Ashley's eyes gave away any pretense she was going to answer honestly, "I'm going to sit in the corner of your office and stare at you." She and Emily both laughed at the mental image, "No, as entertaining as that would be, I'm going to relax and sightsee. I feel like a D.C. born-again virgin."

Emily smirked at the phrasing. "Well, let's see what we can do about that," She challenged and Ashley started to laugh again. Her jet lag and exhaustion were suddenly gone.

* * *

A few hours later Emily found herself still awake. The room was completely quiet and dark, aside from a sliver of light that seeped from the under the bedroom door. Neither her or Ashley had bothered to turn the light off in the main part of their suite. Emily listened to the rhythmic snoring beside her and concluded Ashley was completely knocked out. Emily gently removed herself from the bed and grabbed a robe laying on desk chair in the corner. She took extra care to quietly pad out of the room and slightly closed- careful to not click- the door behind her.

Emily checked the extra deadbolt of their room and turned off the last remaining light in the room. While she waited for her eyes to adjust to the dark, her mind drifted back to her conversation with Garcia, mostly the parts that were about telling JJ. This was a bad habit Emily had picked up in school. After a long day at whatever top international school she was enrolled in for the season, Emily would try to go to sleep. Without fail, most nights right before she did she would always think of an assignment or project or anything in her life "unfinished." She would then proceed to torture herself over it until she went to bed.

It started with school, then evolved on to college, then to cases, and finally to JJ. And there she was, standing in the dark peace of their hotel room worried about JJ. It always went back to JJ. No matter how happy, or sad, or stressed, or relieved, JJ was more often than not, her last nighttime thought. She walked over to the small table by the suite's loveseat and picked up her phone she had left there.

"You're leering," Emily had remarked in a flat voice before she dipped her head under the water again. The water filled her ears and temporarily took away all other noises. She emerged from the water and rubbed the leftover drops from her eyes, her vision slightly blurry as she focused on the other woman in the room.

"I'm not."

"You are," Emily smirked.

JJ couldn't explain why, but there was just something that she loved about that bathroom. She wasn't sure if it was the white paint, white floor tiles, white clawfoot tub- Emily must have really liked white- there was just something special about it. It looked like any other upscale bathroom: well lit, nice tub in the middle of it, single not double vanity. Maybe Emily wasn't a 'double vanity' sort of person. Maybe to her it was excessive. Everything in the bathroom was neat. Nothing left out for JJ to pick out and fixate on. It was probably the most boring room in Emily's apartment, but she loved it. "You know, this isn't what I thought you had in mind when you gave me a key and said I could come over," JJ laughed. It was a crack all made in good fun, but she knew. She knew there was a special toll cases with kids had taken on Emily. She wasn't exactly sure why. She thought that perhaps it was because the brunette had wanted children of her own. JJ had even put that possibility out there a few months prior in Denver. Emily had seemed receptive. JJ had also known about the little 'talk' Emily had with Laurie-Ann about being a parent, earlier that night after they solved the case in Pittsburgh. It always came back to kids with Emily.

"It was a long day." Emily tucked her hands under her arms and cleared her throat, "You can, uh, come in. If you want."

JJ's eyebrows shot up. A bath was intimate, way more intimate than Emily had been with her before. Of course they had been sleeping together for months by that point, but sex could also be written off as 'just sex.' This was something different. And JJ knew that getting invited in was a big deal. "Yeah, yeah!"

The younger woman stripped off her clothes and took Emily's hand to stabilize herself before she got in. She leaned against the side of the tub she had claimed as her own and faced Emily. "This water is murky."

Another laugh, "They're oils."

"Emily Prentiss bathes with essential oils?" JJ teased with a slight splash. "You learn something new everyday."

"What's so strange about that?"

"Nothing really, I just like learning things about you I guess," JJ admitted in a soft voice and accompanying smile. "I was hoping the water would be hotter. It's cold."

"Tepid," Emily corrected. "You can warm it up if you want."

JJ moved to turn on the faucet, and carefully let out a bit of the tepid water before adding more hot. "Sorry, we have some essential oils down."

"Shut up," Emily moved her knees into her chest, giving the other woman more room. She felt a ripple of emotion rushing through her as she looked across at the other woman: washed, wet and bare. Her blonde hair was darker than usual when wet. Sure, they had showered together before, but this was the first time Emily could really study the other woman like this. She looked so…perfect. "I haven't felt something for someone in a long time."

"I know," The younger woman replied. JJ felt warm from the simple statement, and Emily noticed her eyes twinkled. "I don't know much about you," JJ ventured.

"You know more than most."

JJ closed her eyes and chuckled at the statement. It was true. "You know everything about me. You know my parents' jobs-"

"-You know my mother's job."

"That's because she prefers to be addressed as 'Ambassador,'" JJ playfully said. She ran her finger over the top of the water and tried to see how far she could make it ripple. "You know about my sister."

"Rosalyn."

JJ just nodded at the name. She felt her chest tighten at the mention, but she didn't feel the need to suppress any feeling or sadness. She felt comfortable with Emily seeing her that way. "You know who I lost my virginity to."

"Spud."

JJ cackled at the fake name and flicked more water at Emily's face, "His name was not 'Spud.' It was Earl."

"Junior."

"Earl, junior."

"Who went by…" Emily hinted with that same wicked smile she always gave when she was teasing someone.

"Buddy," JJ groaned with a shake of the head. "What do I even do with you?" It was always these moments, gazing across from Emily Prentiss. She was always so unreadable. She was always so, mostly, serious looking to everyone else, but these moments when JJ was alone with the other woman? When she got a chance to see her hair mussed, her eyes tired, her feelings of uncertainties- these were the moments when JJ loved the woman the most, because she was real. She was real, and she was only real for her. She got to see Emily exhausted. She got to see Emily less guarded. She got to _see_ her, and she was the only one. "I don't know as much about you in comparison. Not that I'm complaining."

"You are complaining," Emily corrected softly with a head tilt.

"No," JJ began and reached out her hand to touch Emily's leg, "I'm noticing. I'm noticing out loud, but it's okay. I'm okay with waiting and learning."

_Waiting and learning _that's what had scared Emily in the conversation. She loved Jennifer Jareau, more than she should, she reasoned. What would happen if JJ did wait and eventually learn? What if she didn't like what she heard? The young woman had already had doubts Emily came to the BAU from desk-duty, but what would happen if she learned the full truth? It was that fear that had led her to…she decided to not go down that path.

Emily let the memory from eight years ago end. Her phone screen had read 2:02am. Emily internally debated whether or not it was too late, but ultimately decided to send the text. She typed out _Come in a half-hour early. Need to talk. _Just before she pressed send she added: _Personal. _

And just like that, the message to JJ was sent, and Emily was off to bed with Ashley Seaver.


	5. The Replacement

It was 5:07 in the morning when Emily's message was read by JJ. She was on the 'two kid schedule' so it didn't take any kind of emergency to get her out of bed before six. In fact, JJ was frequently wide awake the minute she woke up. Typically, there was no need to rub the sleep out of her eyes, or have a wake up period before checking her morning emails and messages. JJ wasn't always a morning person, but after the past few years of being a parent to two boys, well, now she hit the ground running the second she woke up. But that was _typically, _and this wasn't a typical message from Emily.

_Come in a half-hour early. Need to talk. Personal. _

In stark contrast to the family and work emails she normally got, that message, sent after two in the morning, well that message JJ read over several times. It was curt. It was an order, and Emily was now her boss. But it was personal. Just the thought of _personal _with Emily Prentiss made her unnerved. She felt her heart speed up with anticipation and fear, and she looked over at the man peacefully sleeping beside her. It had been five years since their last relapse. She didn't think Emily would want to open up that bag again. She wasn't sure she wanted to go back down the path that seemed to only leave them both heartbroken. Will stirred in his sleep and JJ gave him a tender, albeit sad, smile in return. In five years she had been a wife, and his wife only. She felt a certain sense of pride at that accomplishment, but if she was really honest with herself- which she always was in the morning light- she had to admit, as much as it pained and indicted her, she was hardly put off by the idea of getting close with Emily Prentiss again.

_I'll be there. _

She stared at the message, and typed and erased an exclamation point over and over again for a few minutes. She thought about sending an emoji, but Emily would think it was stupid. Emily would probably have to ask her what it meant. As the minutes unfolded, she prayed Emily wasn't awake and couldn't see her agonize over a one sentence message. What was wrong with her? Emily had been there for months. Why was she suddenly so nervous to communicate with her boss? It was that word: _Personal. _It sucked every bit of confidence and self-assurance out of the blonde.

_I'll be there! _is what she ends up on, and as soon as she sent the message she regreted the exclamation point. No one is excited to go into work early.

Then again, this was personal.

* * *

It's an hour later when Emily was woken up by her phone's alarm. Normally, she would ignore the alarm and go back to bed for another half hour, but this time she either had to be ready to meet up with JJ before work, or at the very least awake enough to send another message to wake up the blonde in time. She checked her phone and immediately saw that JJ agreed to their meeting, and a sense of dread immediately took over her for a minute. She gently patted Ashley's back, a shorthand sign they had to tell the other to go back to bed. Next, she forced herself out of bed and headed to the bathroom to get ready. Emily stared into the mirror and smiled. It was right- what she had said about herself the night before. She was older than before, and it was a source of pride. There were times, on past cases or undercover, where she wasn't sure she would ever get the chance to see any wrinkles or graying hair. It was funny; whenever she would share news about her getting older to Ashley, the younger woman would always assure her everyone was getting older to make Emily feel better, but as much as Emily complained about it, she was happy to be getting older. She felt privileged she had been given the chance to earn the smile lines. For all the history they had, and they did have some, maybe Ashley was too young to understand that.

History- the single word from her ramblings stuck in her head as she showered. Garcia was surprised that she had married Ashley, and Emily could understand that. It seemed extremely fast and sudden from the outside, and maybe the actual marriage had shotgun wedding undertones, but the relationship was sound. Wasn't it? Emily and Ashley did share history. Ashley had been with the BAU when Doyle came for her. Ashley knew about that whole ordeal. Ashley had known of Louise- the undercover who had died on Emily's watch. Ashley knew of her background. She knew Emily had a friend who died called Matthew. The women in the other room did know her. They had been through things together. They had spend time together. Over the past years Emily wondered: if you patched all her time with JJ together, how would it compare to the three years she had been with Ashley? She wondered this because in the conversation the night before, Emily got the impression Garcia felt Emily owed something to JJ. In reality, Emily owed things to Ashley now. In the end, she didn't bother to work out the math, and had opted to instead gather a clump of her dark hair from the shower trap and throw it away in the wastebasket.

After getting dressed Emily pressed a gentle kiss to Ashley's head and whispered "I'm leaving" to the other woman. And with that she headed out. Before she left she grabbed the brown frame she had left by her bag the night before.

* * *

"Is that for me?" JJ asked as she immediately spotted the extra coffee sitting on Emily's still bare desk. For all the crap she had given Alvez, Emily really didn't have anything personal in Hotch's office either.

Emily looked up from the case file she had been reading to push the coffee over towards the blonde woman who had sat down across from her. "It's the least I can do. I'm sorry for the late text-"

"Don't worry about it," JJ waved her off. "I didn't even get it until this morning when I woke up."

"You were up at five?" Emily absentmindedly asked while she stacked the case files on her desk and set them off on the side to better focus on JJ. Emily was wearing her typical work "uniform" of a black jacket, slacks, and white button up, but JJ was wearing a blue shirt that immediately brought out her eyes. Emily thought about all the times she had gotten lost in those warm, innocent eyes. Those eyes had seen a lot since the first time they had met 10 years prior, but Emily still saw the hope in them. The hope, and youth, and possibilities that she could never quite see in herself. They were the qualities she had always loved in JJ, the qualities she had always hoped to protect.

"You weren't listening," JJ playfully scolded. She had been telling Emily about how she was used to early morning and how her usual early morning chaos prepared her for this meeting, but she knew the brunette hadn't been paying any attention to her.

Emily didn't even bother to try to lie and cover. She just replied, "I'm sorry." For not listening or for what she was about to drop on the blonde she wasn't sure.

"So what's up? Why am I here?"

"Why are you here?" Emily repeated in a quiet voice as she leaned forward in her chair, "You already know I'm taking this job. It's, well, I think we want Hotch to come back someday, but right now my being here is permanent."

"Not for now, for-ever," JJ had joked. "You're here."

**"**I'm here, and I admit I wasn't expecting to be. When I left I thought I was really leaving. I didn't think I'd be back here, like this, again."

"Okay," JJ said again. She wasn't sure where this was exactly headed, but she felt it was somewhere along the lines of boundaries. She had realized on the car ride over there was no way Emily was going to be making a move at 7:30am in the BAU. Maybe if she asked her to meet up in her hotel room after work it would be something like that, but JJ came to the conclusion on the way over that this meeting was about keeping things professional. They would always be friends, but JJ was her subordinate now. Sure, when Erin Strauss died so did the BAU fraternization policies, but she was sure that Emily wouldn't want to cross that line as a superior, and overall this was probably a good, although somewhat unnecessary meeting. Boundaries were good. Friendship was good. JJ knew where they stood, and she was okay with it. She had made peace with her life. She was okay with the way things were between her and Emily. She had her back in D.C. again, and that was all that mattered all things considered. She would rather have a pointless conversation about boundaries than have Emily pull away from her. She had cherished their recent times together. She couldn't lose that already, not with Emily so within reach.

"Now who is drifting off and not listening?" Teased Emily, but her voice isn't carefree or snarky. It's still flat and nervous. She's thrown off and rattled, but that was to be expected. As time went on and they had drawn closer, Emily had struggled more and more to be the 'cool, unaffected' Emily around the other woman.

"Sorry," JJ shrugged with a smile. "I just think I know you're what you're going to say, and I agree."

"I really don't think you do," Emily sighed. JJ furrowed her brows and crossed her arms in anticipation of what Emily was going to say next. What else could she be talking about? "Four years is a long time to be gone, and a lot of things have changed. Even with you- you've had a baby in the past four years. Each time I come back to the BAU something is different, and it's hard because we leave a place and we expect things to stand still. We expect things to stay the same, and they just can't. I expected everything to stay the same even though my own life has gone on. I'll admit I haven't been completely forthright about my own life over the past four years."

"Okay," JJ motioned with her head for Emily to go on.

"Now that I'm here, and apparently staying for a long time, I thought I should be honest." JJ was worried about what Emily was going to say next. She was worried Emily was sick, or had another PTSD-warranting incident. It's a labored swallow- but not quite a gulp- the noise that Emily hears from the other woman, and that makes Emily get to the point. She had spent so much time trying to figure out what to say, she forgot that sometimes it was just better to put it out there quick and dirty. So she got to the point, "I know you heard me mentioning I was seeing someone back in London, but I need you to know that before I came back to take over for Hotch we got married."

JJ immediately burst into nervous laughter at the statement. She laughed, and fake laughed again when her real laugh faded, and waited. She quickly looked from side to side out of the corners of her eyes, her peripheral vision attempted to scan the room and see if someone else was in on Emily's joke. But there wasn't anyone else there in Emily's office. It wasn't some sort of cruel Garcia-Prentiss practical joke before Emily got to real the point. It was just her and Emily, and Emily wasn't laughing. "Married to…Georgina Glass?" JJ asked. The words barely got out.

For once, Emily didn't banter back. Instead she just shook her 'no' and carried on. "I've been seeing Ashley Seaver- I think you've met her- but her. I've been seeing her since a few months after I moved to London."

JJ just sat there and let the other woman's words wash over her. If you were to present her with a recording of her body language during that conversation and had asked her about it, she would probably try to cover and say she was just digesting the information, but honestly she was shocked. Of all the things she had expected Emily to say that morning she didn't think it would ever be _I'm married_. "How?" Is all she can get out in her current distress. Emily had immediately noticed it- the way JJ's body went rigid. The way the words got caught in her throat like she was choking. Emily noticed, but chose to not remark on it. It went back to Penelope's advice: how would she have wanted JJ to deal with it when their positions were reversed?

"It just happened. I got in touch with her to tell her I was okay…It just kind of evolved from there. She moved to London. You know me, I don't date. I go on _a date _and it normally fails. When this happened I just didn't think to say anything. I guess I liked everyone-" _Not everyone, I liked you- _"I liked everyone thinking of the same old Emily. Emily within the confines of the BAU, as if I never left or something stupid like that. I don't know. I haven't been the best, most communicative friend. I understand if you're upset with me about that, but, truly, I didn't think it would ever amount to anything at first. But then it didn't fail." JJ just nodded along to each thing Emily said, but none of it made sense to her. Emily was married. She didn't even know if Emily Prentiss was 'Emily Prentiss' anymore. "For what it's worth," Emily offered with a sad smile, picking at her fingernails under her desk, "I think it could be good for both of us."

JJ nodded along yet again. She really wasn't sure how to the process this, but for a reason she couldn't explain, she wanted- no needed- the conversation to keep going. She knew the moment she left Emily's office it would be final. It would be a piece of information JJ couldn't give back. She would have to live with it. And in her desperation, she reasoned that maybe the longer she stayed in that room, the longer Emily would have to take it back. The problem with this idea though- besides it not being based in reality- was that JJ has lost her ability to speak. She was afraid if she opened her mouth for too long, not only would her voice crack, but all the tears she was biting down on her bottom lip to keep at bay would fall too. And what right did she have to cry about this? It was her fault. Maybe- no, there was no maybe, _if_ she had been different she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be in the impossibly quiet BAU, the morning light just seeping in to illuminate Emily's face while she broke her heart. Emily shouldn't have had any power to do that anymore. In fact, Emily probably wasn't even aware of the fact she did, but she did. With all her might, and every hope to retain what little dignity she felt she had left, JJ was able to get out two words: "How so?"

Emily took a deep breath at the question. She didn't expect it to be so deeply affecting, the conversation with JJ. They had put this long behind them hadn't they? She probably shouldn't have listened to Garcia and chose the 'in public' route. "Somewhere along the way I think both of us just got stuck. But you got married and you moved on, and it was the right thing to do. And now I've moved on too, and we're not stuck anymore."

"Yeah." It's the only word JJ uttered as she analyzed the fabric of her pants. JJ had said it as she stayed fixated on the weave of the black fabric. It's more herringbone than twill, and at least it gives her something else besides the conversation to focus on. "I hope she's good to you."

"She is."

"I'm sorry...I wasn't more excited for you…I'm just tired," JJ lied before she took another a deep breath. It was a breathing technique she had learned at State. Deep breath in, slow exhale through the nose out. She debated hugging Emily, but ultimately decided against it. She gave herself a few more seconds before she finally looked up and offered the brunette another smile. It's forced and Emily knew it, but she pretended not to notice, "Should I let you get back?"

Emily checked her watch and audibly groaned. This had taken longer than she had expected, nay hoped, and she really did have to read over some files before everyone started to filter in. "Yeah," She groaned again. "Thanks again for coming in early for this." JJ nodded and got up from the chair wordlessly. Emily went back to her files when it looked like JJ was about to leave, but the blonde remained in the doorway for a short while before she spoke up a final time.

"Em?"

"Yeah?" Emily asked. She looked surprised JJ was still there.

To anyone else it would look like the blonde was looking at her straight on, but it was actually a technique the brunette had taught her. Emily had told her, whenever she was nervous about an unsub, or anyone, really, to just focus on a point right above their head. And there she was. JJ stared ahead, fixated on an award on the shelve right above Emily's head. "I'm really happy for you."

Emily thought about replying 'thank you' or even saying something about Will. Instead, she just opted to smile at JJ, and mercifully let her leave.

* * *

JJ felt like she could finally let out the breath she had been holding in. She finally felt free, and she couldn't think of a singular other moment where she had ever wanted to get away from Emily so badly. She knew, as a friend, she should have been happy that her friend had found somebody else. Seaver was smart, and kind, and beautiful. Seaver ticked boxes, and JJ should have been happy that her friend not only found somebody, but found somebody who was objectively great. She remembered hearing from different friends over the years that it was always hard when someone you once loved moves on to someone else. JJ just didn't think it would hurt this much. She wasn't sure it was supposed to hurt this much.

When she finally made it to the comforting solitude of the empty BAU bathroom, she thought of a conversation she had with Emily from years prior. The team had been out for drinks after saving her from Askari. Emily had come from London to find her. JJ remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. It was a conversation that had burrowed its way into her mind. It had been one of the few times the two had talked before Emily had come back. JJ had replayed it- and every other conversation they had- over and over again when Emily was in London, trying to seer into memory every different voice, every different tone the older woman had. But now? Now that conversation had different meaning.

_I didn't think you'd come. _

_You needed me. Of course I came._

_I missed you. _

_You and Will looked happy in there. "No more lies." It's good. Truth is good. _

_How long are you staying?_

_Not long, I have to get back._

_Work?_

_Life. _

Ashley Seaver was that life. JJ took another steadying breath and stared at herself in the mirror. She attempted to remember what Ashley looked like, but she couldn't. She knew she had to let it go. She had to find a way to move on at least for the work day. She couldn't allow herself to be this distracted, but she found it impossible to accept that her one-time replacement had truly become her replacement.


	6. Autopilot

**One quick note- while there are flashbacks, they aren't in chronological order. I've decided to do it more like how different memories pop out at different times. **

**More notes are at end.**

JJ had been waiting for her. It felt a little stalkery, a little unsub-esque, but she couldn't help it. JJ pushed the stacks of files back and forth on her desk. Truth be told, she really couldn't focus on work. She was there under the excuse of having to work, but she hadn't really been doing anything. Instead, she had stayed focused on those nine words Emily had said earlier:

_You don't choose who you fall in love with._

She had been busy, too busy, en route to Tracey Belle to think about those words. On the way back to D.C., when the girl was safe and in their custody, she had allowed her mind to drift back to Emily's words.

JJ had been curious about the other woman since the moment she had started reading Arabic to them in the briefing room months before. Actually, there was something she had found interesting and magnetizing about Emily Prentiss since she had met the other woman, but the Arabic was the first time she realized it herself. There was just something about Emily Prentiss, so much she didn't know but wanted to. It had happened before, the crushes on coworkers. When you worked in the BAU you spent so much time with each other it was bound to happen. Ever since she joined the FBI she didn't have much of a dating life. She had been asked out by Spence, which was very sweet, but he was Spence. He was very innocent and cute, but that wasn't what she normally found herself drawn to.

It was odd. When Emily had first transferred into the BAU there were things about her manner that were similar to Elle's- who JJ hadn't ever gotten that close to- but in a completely different way. Like Elle, Emily was funny. She was sarcastic. Emily's humor could be biting, much like the other woman, but there were also stark differences. While Elle seemed to always thoroughly believe she deserved to be in the BAU, Emily had tried to prove herself. Most of all, underneath it all, JJ could see how warm and gentle Emily Prentiss could be.

She had found her interests piqued by the other woman at the get go, and strangely enough it didn't go away. All her other crushes would come and go in a couple months, but this was different. Not too long after meeting, she, Emily and Garcia had gone out drinking one night to find out, after Penelope tried to pick a guy out for her, that Emily was gay. While Garcia was completely ecstatic at the news, JJ had sat there silently.

She hadn't acted like it was a big deal, because it wasn't, but truth be told she had found Emily even more compelling after learning that information. What kind of women did Emily date? What was her type? Then, after she had drawn her gun on Emily on the Hankel case, there was something else to fixate on Emily about. It was way the brunette had averted her eyes and exhaled the smallest of breaths when JJ had brought up Emily had come off a desk job, but was never out of her element. Who was this woman? How could she "compartmentalize" so well? What had she seen?

Even as she had met a really nice guy, JJ's mind kept going back to Emily Prentiss. Will LaMontagne Jr. had been outwardly, and obviously, sad on the case. He had been thinking about his father throughout the entire thing, and JJ noticed. So when he asked for her number, JJ gave it to him. He was nice. She didn't mind talking to him, but she didn't feel desperate to get to know him like she did Emily Prentiss.

She remembered how she would pathetically try to catch glimpses of the elder Prentiss and Emily while they were working on the Russian case together. But that's also when it felt like things had changed. Before, JJ had been able to chalk it off as infatuation. As the months had progressed it had evolved. She had grown to love talking with the other woman. She relished seeing how Emily thought, not just about cases but life in general.

She worried about the other woman. She wanted to make sure she was okay on the harder cases, even though JJ knew Emily probably didn't need her concern. Emily didn't seem to need anything from her, but JJ just felt so content and wholly happy putting in any kind of effort for the older woman. So there she was, sitting in her office, pretending to work because she had to see Emily.

The case with Gideon had rattled her. JJ knew the other woman was never in any danger- the case had nothing to do with her. In reality, she should have been worried about Gideon, but it was Emily. It was always Emily. JJ thought of the embarrassing, stupid grin on her face as she followed Emily up the BAU stairs after the case. She was always so happy around the other woman. "I'm pathetic," JJ had grumbled to herself. Emily didn't even seem interested in her, and yet there she was: waiting. She was waiting because when JJ had asked her if she was heading out, Emily had replied _not yet_. JJ clicked her pen over and over again as she debated on it. She knew it was true, that this time was different from all the times before. She had crushed on coworkers before, but she was pretty certain she had fallen in love with Emily Prentiss.

It took another half hour, but she had finally "run in" to Emily in the lobby of the FBI headquarters. For some reason, JJ had rationalized that it was less pathetic to wait for the brunette there.

"Hey you," Emily greeted when she had spotted the blonde looking for something in her bag. "Thought you left a while ago?"

"Oh, just couldn't find…this," JJ answered and took out a lip balm to weakly hold up to the profiler.

Emily smirked at the younger woman, "Well thank god you found that chapstick. It would've bankrupted you to replace it."

"Yeah." JJ had been so embarrassed. Mortified would probably be the word she would use if she had to describe the moment to Garcia.

"What's up?" Emily cheerfully asked, charitably pretending the lip balm thing didn't happen.

"Um, actually, I just needed to see you."

"What about?"

JJ had briefly darted her eyes down to the floor and avoided Emily for a second. "I wanted to see you."

"About?"

JJ simply smiled at the other woman and offered her a shrug. "Nothing really, I just wanted to see you."

* * *

JJ had made an effort to keep to herself that day. She was a professional, so she spoke up to the team as they discussed consults and exchanged ideas. She was communicative with the entire team, including Emily, but she felt hollow at the news. She felt as if she was in shock. If she stopped moving, stopped working then all the adrenaline would drain out of her body and she would be left to suffer the full extent of how broken she was. She had tried to bury herself in work, and reasoned that if she was busy then no one, especially Emily, would bother her.

However, it was harder than she had expected to really focus. She had mostly been able to, but there were flashes throughout the day where she had found herself pushing around the papers she hadn't read to look busy and typing into nothing on the computer screen. As different as the circumstances had been, JJ couldn't help but feel that in that moment she felt much like she did on that day where she had first realized she had fallen in love with Emily Prentiss. There she was, pretending to work when she just couldn't. Except this time she wasn't twenty-eight and barely discovering she was in love. She was thirty-eight and she was married. They both were.

At least they didn't have a case. JJ thanked whatever deity there was out there for that fact. She could, at the very least, rush home once the day was done. It wasn't like she was trapped with the team- with Emily- after the bomb dropped. It was strange, after the past few months JJ had avoided going home. She held dear and filled away every moment she had spent with Emily, finally making up for lost time. But now? Now all she wanted to do was go home and hide.

She winced as she watched the BAU's group chat unfold. First, Emily had invited the team for dinner, and JJ knew what that was going to be about. She would have considered trying to make up a fake illness for Michael or Henry if it wasn't so painfully obvious. Thankfully, it was Rossi who needed a rain check, which temporarily gave her a sense of relief that she didn't have to endure the topic again later that day. However, her dread had quickly returned as soon as she saw the new dinner date was none other then the next night. Worst of all, the pain she felt made her feel guilty. Of course, she felt bad and embarrassed when Will came down to New York all those years ago to announce her pregnancy. She felt bad each time he was mentioned in passing in front of Emily. She felt bad when Emily had to meet Henry. She felt bad when she saw Emily, of all people, in attendance at her surprise wedding. She had felt bad about all those things, but now? Being on this side? Being blindsided and then expected to somehow keep going? She felt sick. And on top of those feelings of being nauseated and hopeless, she felt even worse because she had made Emily feel this way all the time. And she never really noticed.

Her reprieve comes in the form on a folded sticky note pinned to the most recent file folder Garcia has unceremoniously dumped on her desk. JJ unfolded it and genuinely smiled at what it said inside.

_Meet me in my lair._

_Check yes for "yes" OR yes for "yes."_

"Hiya buttercup," Garcia cheerfully greeted after she spun around in her chair to look at profiler who had just come into her office. "How's it going?" Garcia added in a more, sympathetic, sad, tone.

"What did Emily tell you?" JJ groaned as she sank into the spare chair across from the technical analyst. She was embarrassed Emily knew how upset she was, and that Emily was apparently concerned enough to involve their friend.

"She didn't tell me anything."

"Oh."

"Really!" Garcia exclaimed and made a 'scout's honor' sign. "Last night she told me her whole 'da-da-duh-da, da-da-duh-da' thing-"

"She told you first?"

"Which you should thank me for!" Garcia re-interrupted. "JJ, your girl was a complete awkward disaster last night. She could barely get a word out. You should really be grateful you didn't have to deal with her stammering about whether or not she was 'really' or 'kind of' married. And she was going to tell everyone at once. I wanted her to at least give you a heads up…Which, she did do then?"

"Yeah," JJ answered before she ran her fingers over her eyes and down her face. "Yeah, she told me."

"And how do you feel about everything?"

"I feel…" JJ drifted off. "I feel that it isn't my place to feel anything about it. It's Emily's life. I'm happy for her. I've always told her- I've always said I just want her to be happy. I didn't expect her to, or ever want her to-"

"Be schlepping around like a lovesick puppy?"

"Basically," JJ agreed with a sad shrug.

"Okay, and I love you for that-" Garcia knew JJ was saying all the right things, but it was painfully obvious this whole thing was hard for her. It would be impossible not to be hard. It wasn't as if one day they just stopped loving each other. As far as the technical analyst was concerned, it was okay to admit you're sad your 'person' and you didn't work out because of something as stupid as timing. Sometimes she couldn't believe how emotionally stunted these two were- only when it came to each other too. Giving advice to other people? Then they would be able to figure out what feelings were, but when it came to Emily and JJ talking about 'Emily and JJ,' it was like a chimp trying to explain the moon landing.

"-It's just, yes, it is Emily's life, but Emily's life was pretty intertwined with yours for a hot minute there. It's okay to feel…just because you aren't together anymore doesn't mean it's easy to hear she's with someone else. And it certainly doesn't make it easier to find out she married someone else and didn't tell any of us. It doesn't mean anything about your current relationship to be like: 'hey, this is completely insane and I'm sad.'"

"It is a tiny bit insane, right? I'm not being overdramatic in thinking so?"

"My little tony the bi-ger, it is vintage 'Emily Prentiss: international woman of mystery,'" Garcia answered with a laugh. She loved Emily, but this was crazy. She would never say so to the blonde woman in front of her, but after thinking about her talk with Derek, Penelope decided that he was right. It wasn't so much the marriage part that was weird. After four years away, it turning out that Emily was married for a couple months wasn't odd. That was fine, totally normal. She didn't tell anyone, but Derek was right about that too. Emily was and still is notoriously private, and she probably didn't feel like she could ever move on from the BAU if she stayed as close to the unit as she would have when she was part of it. All things considered, it kind of added up. For a normal person it didn't, but, for Emily, it made sense in her 'compartmentalized, emotionally guarded' kind of way.

What was weird about the whole thing was _who_ Emily married and _why_ she married her. "I mean, technically when I bothered Emily again, and did some light internet stalking, I will admit their timeline isn't crazy. It's not a surprise marriage to them."

JJ chewed on her bottom lip before she spoke up, "I have this feeling about this, but I don't want to make it more awkward."

"Not possible," Garcia laughed.

"All day, in the back of my head, I just kept thinking…Do you think it's possible that they weren't serious until one day they were?"

Garcia remained neutral-faced at the question JJ just had posed. It was the same thing her and Derek had wondered themselves, internally, the night before. Was Emily ever really that serious about Ashley? Or did she get serious when she was facing coming back to be JJ's boss on a permanent basis?

They all knew that to Emily Prentiss there was a big difference between dating someone indefinitely and marrying them. Garcia had reasoned that if Ashley had moved in with Emily in London, then maybe Emily was serious all along, but the timing of the whole thing always brought her back to JJ. That being said, Garcia wasn't sure if she really should divulge these theories to the woman sitting across from her.

First off, it would be completely disrespecting Emily's relationship and especially Ashley Seaver. Garcia didn't want to imply negative things about Emily's feelings for Ashley. She loved Emily. For all intents and purposes, she liked Seaver, and those two things meant that she didn't want to talk about their relationship in too much of an unflattering way. Secondly, it was not as if Garcia admitting this theory would help JJ feel any better. Would it feel better to know someone you probably still loved married someone else because of, in a roundabout way, you? All the things considered, Garcia simply replied, "It could make sense to me, but there's really no way to know one way or another."

That's how the conversation that was intended to make JJ feel better ended.

* * *

The past two days had been a haze for JJ, and Emily too. It took all her energy to stay focused and present at work, but at "home" with Ashley she was on autopilot. Luckily, Ashley didn't notice. Ashley never noticed. Truthfully, Emily had spent a lot of their life together on autopilot. Her time as unit chief at Interpol wasn't as hard as with the BAU, but it was still taxing. Over the past four years Emily lived on a default setting. She gave everything she had to offer to her job, and Ashley got whatever was left. The other woman seemed okay with it. And she probably was okay with it, because the only other point of comparison she had of dating Emily was when she was dating Emily five years prior. Between Doyle and being heartbroken over JJ, it wasn't as if Emily was the most attentive at that time either.

Emily had dreaded the upcoming dinner to tell the team. It had nothing to do with being embarrassed by Ashley, which was Ashley's first concern. How could Ashley embarrass her? There wasn't a lot to be embarrassed about when it came to a beautiful, smart FBI agent. It was just that Emily hated the spectacle. She hated being the center of attention. The very things her mother had always sought were the things that Emily had always wanted to avoid the most.

It had only been two conversations, but she had found them both to be exhausting. However, if Emily was going to be honest with herself she would have to admit the talk with JJ had been so much worse. Emily had felt horrible because she was sure she had hurt the other woman. She could see it all over her face. It was the same look JJ had given her in Paris years before, when she had told her "Good luck" and sent her off into the night, unsure if Emily would ever come back. It was the heartbreaking mix of JJ trying to appear to be stone faced, but obviously looking like she wanted to cry.

The problem with the situation was that Emily never had this big moment where she fell out of love with JJ. The love she had for the other woman had just faded into the background over time after Will.

* * *

It hadn't been linear for Emily. She had shown up to a team who didn't really want her. And while Garcia was the one who made Emily feel like part of the team first. It was JJ who felt like her first friend on the team. It had started with smirks and inside jokes, and then turned into real feelings. It was difficult to look back and try to pinpoint that singular moment when she had started having feelings for the blonde. She had felt_ something_ for JJ on the Hankel case, but as soon as those feelings had appeared, Emily had forced them down. And then before they knew it, they had found themselves in New Orleans, and there was Will LaMontagne Jr.

Emily had seen it as a cruel confirmation of what she had expected. JJ was straight. She was certain JJ had flirted with her. She was positive JJ's fingers had lingered a little too long when she had passed her case files, but Emily wasn't interested in being somebody's experiment or hobby. Emily didn't get involved with straight girls. She had learned that lesson in college. It was a first class ticket to heartbreak. Actually, scratch that. Falling for a straight girl was an economy class ticket to heartbreak. But then, not long after, JJ had told Emily about 'trying to figure out who she was in college,' and Emily had known exactly what JJ was talking about.

_But_, Emily was sure there was a 'Will' in there somewhere, and she was still a new agent on the team. What if Strauss' fraternization policies had come into play? Would it be a 'last one in, first one out' type of thing? She had already been in Strauss' crosshairs, could she have been in Hotch's too if anything happened? Emily had seen Hotch cover for Morgan, Gideon and Reid, but there was a lot more loyalty there. So no, Emily decided that she might indulge in a little flirting, but she was never going to cross that imaginary line. And for the record, she never did. She didn't have to. JJ did.

The blonde had shown up to her apartment with the excuse of checking on Emily after her concussion. Before she had shown up, Emily had been silently staring out at the government buildings in front of her in shock. She hated politics, and she knew that she would hate the politics that were surely to come with promotions. That being said, Emily didn't realize how much it would hurt to find out it wasn't even a possibly anymore. Her FBI career was over and it had just started.

Emily would sometimes reflect back on that memory, specifically the way JJ tried to suppress the smile that had spread across her face when Emily told her she was stuck in the BAU forever. That huge, inadvertent grin JJ had let out when Emily had told her what Strauss had said to her in the back of that Milwaukee ambulance: That there would be no promotions or rising ranks. There would only be the BAU.

That was the first night JJ had run her fingers over an injury on Emily's body. It had been the first night she had let her fingers drift down to gently brush against Emily's cheekbones. It had been the first night JJ had told Emily she had just been 'seeing' Will, but it wasn't anything serious. It had been the first night Emily had kissed her. It had been the first night they had touched each other. It had been the first time they had made love, but Emily wasn't positive it was love until later.

And there Emily was again, staring at the carpet on the floor of her office. She hated herself for it- for how easily her mind could retreat back to that memory, despite the wedding ring that hung off the chain on her neck. It had always been there, bubbling just under the surface, but it wasn't until she joined back with the BAU that it had become so often. That she had found herself going back to the glimpses of the life they could have had if Emily hadn't been so worried to trust JJ with her heart. To the life they could have had if she hadn't said it the very next morning after they had first slept together:

_You don't have to stop seeing him for my sake._

* * *

**I've read a couple of the reviews (thank you to everyone who left one), and without giving anything away I want to say that there are a lot of Emily/JJ stories out there. I know a lot of them follow a similar trajectory- even my own works have- but this is going to be different in several ways. Most notably: **

**1.) Emily isn't just waiting around for JJ this entire fic. There's angst and sadness in the "memories," but it isn't ****_just_**** Emily depressed. I think it's important to show how much Emily matters to JJ, too. Basically, I might just rename this fic ****_Everyone is Sad. _**

**2.) There is equal blame for where they are now. Normally in fics, JJ is an idiot, Will sucks and Emily is in a corner alone somewhere. I'm trying to do something a little different that adds up better with Emily's character. Also, no one is a "bad guy." It's a real love rectangle. And there is hope in one way or another...no spoilers. **

**Let me know your thoughts in the comments! Should I break these chapters up more or do you all like them a little longer? **


	7. People Need People

It had been chillier that night than it should have been for that time of year. And yet, Emily had just stared at the spot where the cop car had pulled away with Susan Jacobs. She didn't shiver or shake, or try to warm up her body by moving around. It had been something JJ had actually teased Emily about months earlier- why rich people never seemed to get cold. The truth was that Emily didn't feel cold because in that moment she didn't feel a whole lot of anything.

She was still. It was always those cases for her. It was always those cases that were the hardest. Those were the cases that lived inside her head. Those were the cases she just could've ever seem to brush off or get used to. It was the second case in a row that had worn on her.

She hadn't been thinking about anything in particular- not even Katie or Carrie- as she stared out at the roadway leading away from the mall. She hadn't really been thinking about anything at all, completely zoned out as she just _stood_. Law enforcement officers had began to disperse, but Emily couldn't do anything but just stand there. And that's when she felt it. It was the slight brush of an arm against hers.

"Hey you," JJ whispered as the two discreetly stood at the mall side curb. She noticed Emily slightly nod to acknowledge her presence. A few beats passed before the younger woman spoke again. "You know, _you_ saved her. Katie is going to be okay."

Emily's eyes drifted down to the ground and she began to scuff at her boots on the concrete. "It doesn't feel like it."

JJ stood there for a few more seconds with Emily before she whispered, "I know how hard these cases are for you." It was a sharp inhalation from the brunette that had let JJ know Emily had heard her, and that was when JJ had said it under her breath. It was so low that if Emily had been another few inches away, she wouldn't have been able to hear it. "Let's go home."

And that was when Emily Prentiss was sure she had fallen in love with Jennifer Jareau.

* * *

"I just don't see why it would be so weird?" Ashley questioned with a raised eyebrow. She had been lounging around on their hotel bed, wondering aloud why she was not invited to Emily's 'meet the wife dinner.' "Isn't a present wife required for a 'meet the wife dinner?'" Ashley called out as Emily briskly walked from their bathroom back to the bedroom and pulled a clean navy v-neck sweater over her head.

"It's not a 'meet the wife dinner' it's more of a…"

"There is a wife dinner," Ashley finished. "You're a prisoner of your own making."

"So I get no sympathy then?"

"No!" Ashley yelled out at Emily, who had run to grab something she forgot from their bathroom. "You're being a control freak….And I still don't see what the big deal is. They know me. It's not as if you're going to be yelling 'come on down' to some stranger like on the 'Price is Right.' I know them all. I like them all. It won't be overwhelming."

Emily stopped and sat own on the bed with the pair of jeans she was going to change into in her hands. This was why Ashley- no matter how talented she was as an agent- this was why she wasn't in the BAU. She didn't seem to pick up on the fact that she wasn't the one Emily was trying not to overwhelm. However, Emily didn't want to get into a fight, or even worse hurt the other woman, so she goes along with Ashley's assessment of her motives. "You don't know them all," Emily responded in an even tone as she started to finish getting dressed again. She was confident Ashley knew she wasn't coming. The redheaded woman wasn't even showered or ready, but it was more about Ashley wanting Emily to want her there.

"Okay," Ashley challenged. "I like Garcia."

"You like Garcia."

"I like Reid."

Emily laughed, "You don't like Reid."

"I do like him!" Ashley shot back. "I don't baby him twenty-four seven, and apparently that means I don't like him."

"Ash," Emily groaned with a smile. She turned back to look at the other woman, laid out comfortably on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She was in no mood to have dinner with the BAU. She wasn't kidding anyone. "This is a team dinner. No one is bringing anyone else. We've all been running around on adrenaline in a haze. This is to take a minute and catch up with each other, reintroduce each other. There's a new agent I'm trying to sway over, and even he's not coming. We're just going to catch up this time, and there will be other dinners you can come to. Just like in London."

Ashley nodded in reply. If she was going to be brutally honest with Emily, she would tell her she already missed their life in London. She didn't want to pack up their things and bring them to the one place where it seemed like they had never worked- D.C. But she was sure Emily was under pressure. She had admitted she had reservations about the position she now held, and Ashley didn't want to make it worse just because Emily was spending their last night with the team instead of her. "Just let them know when we find a sublet they're invited for dinner."

"I will," Emily reassured with a nod herself. "I know you're leaving tomorrow before I get off, but why don't you come to lunch."

"Sure you don't want to keep me hidden away?" Ashley teased good-naturedly.

Emily leaned down on the bed to give the younger woman a kiss on the cheek before she walked to the room's dresser and pointedly held up her wedding band in the air. "I'm bringing it." Ashley gave her a thumbs up, which made Emily laugh. She called out a final time before she walked out the front door, "And I have the perfect picture of you for my desk, Scottish Christmas!"

"Love that one!" Ashley called back before the room was quiet again.

* * *

The team, see Rossi, had picked a quiet Italian place downtown for their catchup dinner. It was small and dark, the lights were all red-hued. It had a bit of a bordello vibe, which didn't surprise Emily considering who picked the restaurant. Emily walked in to find Rossi seated in a booth at the back. She had kind of hoped they could have their own room, as Garcia and Tara could get a little loud, but the place was too small for that. Also, Emily hated booths. Any chair that trapped you in the corner without letting you leave was not ideal to her.

"Before you say it," Rossi ordered as he held a hand up, signaling he was not going to take Emily's interruptions, "Chief gets a chair."

Emily looked over to the sad, little, wooden chair Rossi had pulled up to put on the free end of the table, you know, where their feet were typically supposed to go. "Chair but no leg room, I'll take it," She joked.

However, getting to be booth-free did leave her in the awkward position of waiting around for everyone to show up. It was either that, or she would have to keep getting up every time someone showed up. Rossi had excused himself to go grab at drink at the restaurant's small bar, and while he was gone Emily looked up to see Reid and Tara were both headed towards her. "Hey," She greeted as they began to complain about the traffic on the way over.

On the other hand, JJ had purposefully shown up a little late. She knew that Emily was always on-time or early, and that showing up late would have been the best way she could avoid sitting by the brunette. It wasn't that JJ wanted to keep avoiding Emily. She had just wanted to that one night. That one night when she had to endure another episode of 'Guess who got married?' Then, they could go back to normal, their new version of normal.

It was odd. The other day Emily had worn a pink sweater, and it brought JJ back to 2006 all over again. That was the normal JJ had grown to miss the most. It was when things were less complicated. In JJ's mind there had been three Emily Prentisses. The first had shown up in 2006. She was confident, competent, a little secretive, always a little dark, but she was strong. If you were to envision an unbreakable FBI agent during that time, the image you would have conjured up would have been of Emily Prentiss. At her core, that was who JJ had believed the real Emily was, but that Emily had disappeared with the reappearance of Doyle. Even after he had been killed, Emily was still gone. The next Emily who had taken her place was broken. She was tired and defeated. She had lost the confidence in herself. She had acted like she had something to prove in an even more overstated way than she had before. That was the Emily that had scared JJ. It was the first time she had ever seen the other woman as being frail and breakable, and it pained her to see Emily like that. The final Emily that had come back had seemed more grounded. She seemed more alive, and little by little her need to "prove" and "make up" for the things she should have never felt guilty for in the first place seemed to dissipate. It showed JJ a glimpse of _Emily _again. The real Emily Prentiss, the Emily Prentiss she had fallen in love with. Except it wasn't 2006 anymore. They were both so far away from that.

The way she could best describe Emily to anyone else, _if_ she were to describe her to someone else, would be that Emily was the scab that never went away. Just when things between them seemed to be done- seemed to be healing- one of them would have to pick at it to see what was going on underneath. Then they would be at square one all over again. Everything would be fresh and painful all over again. It had become toxic, their inability to forget each other. Maybe Emily was right. Maybe it would be best for them to be unstuck.

But, she had wagered wrong. If she had shown up to the restaurant early she could've slipped into the U-shaped booth in the spot farthest away from Emily. Instead, JJ observed a few feet from the table that Reid was sitting in the far back in the middle. Garcia, Tara and, new guy were sitting to the left of him, and Rossi was sitting to his right. The only available seat was the booth's outside seat, closest to where Emily had pulled up her chair. JJ steadied her nerves before she walked up to the group, "Sorry I'm late. The boys were crazy." Lie.

Emily got up and pulled out her chair so JJ could slip into the empty spot in the booth. Their legs almost brushed when Emily went to sit back down.

"Now that we're all here," Emily began and flashed a smirk to the late JJ. "The team has been through a whirlwind lately. I know there has been a lot of overturn lately, and with Hotch leaving it's been a lot to handle. He's been a stabilizing force on the BAU and I know that's hard to lose, especially after just reeling from Derek. And this time together- no cases, no planes, we don't have this often. I thought it would be a good time to check in and touch base. What's going on with you guys?"

"Great idea," Rossi replied with a smile as the rest of the team nodded. "I, for one, might have a lead on number four," he winked, which had made Alvez confused. Emily mouthed 'wife' to the younger man as Spencer had said something about how he was just focused on work and his mother. Garcia had mentioned something about doing research on pet turtles. JJ opted to just shake her head 'no,' to Emily's question about new life events. Tara was officially 'done with men,' and Alvez admitted he had nothing going on besides his dog. Emily had to admit this was the sorriest group of personal lives she had ever seen, but that was to be expected. Aside from Morgan's retired 'thot'ing,' as Garcia had called it, Emily felt the BAU was pretty boring when it came to dating and love. And then it just left the Unit Chief. Their salads hadn't even come out yet and it was already her turn.

Emily picked at her fingers under the table. It was 'now or never.' She might have been okay with 'never,' but Ashley would be completely done with her if she put it off again. "Well, I think a few of you know I had been seeing someone back in London."

"Oh, no, Emily we're so sorry," Tara offered in a semi-positive voice. She, and the rest of the table save for JJ and Garcia, had assumed that Emily was going to say they had broken up.

Emily found herself laughing at the implication. "No, nothing like that. Before I got the official call, Hotch gave me a little heads up that I might be needed here. It felt like a good time to sort out some things before they got BAU-hectic again. So my girlfriend and I got married before I moved down here."

"Wow."

"That's great!"

"Hot damn!"

Reid, Tara and Rossi all responded at once. It took Alvez a second before he too responded with a "Congratulations."

Emily nodded back at the group, a little embarrassed to have the spotlight all on her. She was also especially conscious of the feelings of the blonde woman sitting to the right of her. "Thank you all. I want to apologize for taking a while to tell you. I wanted to wait for the right time."

"Ask who it is!" Garcia ordered in a giddy voice, before looking over to a quiet, pale JJ. It was obvious, to both her and Rossi, that JJ would have wanted to be anywhere but there.

Emily went on to talk about how she married Ashley Seaver. Reid had asked if she were now two agent Prentisses, remembering about Ashley's complicated relationship with her surname. Emily had answered 'no,' but not much more. Rossi could notice that with every detail Emily's eyes would dart over to JJ. After the one detail Ashley had asked Emily to share had been said- the invitation to dinner with them when she was back in 10 days- mercifully, Garcia changed the subject from Emily to hazing Alvez. It was something JJ was eternally grateful for.

It had taken nearly two hours, but the night was finally over, almost. The final gut punch was in the form of the goodbyes in front of the restaurant. In the past, any hug from Emily to JJ would've been a little tighter and a little longer than the ones she gave to anyone else. Except this hug, on this night, was a little looser than the hugs Emily had given to Tara, Reid and Garcia. Emily's arms hadn't feel strong and tight around her. They were merely draped for a second before the brunette quickly pulled away. That was probably the worst part of the night, for both of them.

* * *

She had heard the footsteps behind her as she briskly walked to her car that was parked around the block. She wasn't worried though. She knew those boots had belonged to Rossi.

"Did you get blindsided, kid?" Rossi had asked as soon as they had both made it to her car. His car wasn't parked by her, but he knew. They all knew, the old BAU team: "the Golden era." Rossi was just the only one who had the guts to say anything about it out loud.

"No," JJ sighed. "No, I knew beforehand."

"I don't what is worse: getting a heads up, but you have to hear it twice, or getting blindsided?" Rossi questioned as he raised both his hands, psychically weighing both options. "It's tough," He offered, knowing the blonde couldn't answer his rhetorical question. "It's a tough thing when the people we think will always be around for us, aren't around for us. Not the way we're used to, anyway."

"Yeah," JJ signed and leaned against her car door to look above to the clear, dark skies. The night was abnormally chilly and you couldn't see the stars, but at least there wasn't a cloud in the sky. She couldn't bring herself to look at the man. She couldn't compartmentalize anymore. Yesterday morning and that dinner had drained her of that. "I thought you'd be happy for her. You're the one who brought Seaver on board to begin with."

"I am. I'm glad for them. I'm glad Emily's just not 'put on ice' anymore. A ring is good. I like a ring. I've bought quite a few of them myself…" He trailed off before he flashed her what could best be described as a fatherly smile. "Doesn't mean I can't sympathize with the bartender."

"I'm the bartender?" JJ half-laughed.

"In this scenario? That you are."

"It's been about a day and a half, and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I think it'll be fine in another day though."

"I hope so," Rossi had said with a pat on JJ's arm. The city was quiet and it was a beautiful night. These type of things always happened on beautiful nights. "People need people, JJ."

"Hm?"

"People need people. It's just a reality with most of us in the BAU- the things we see everyday…People need people. So you either find a way to be happy for her or…"

"Or?"

Rossi laughed at the advice he was about to give. Objectively, he shouldn't give this advice. He had seen this merry-go-round, and he wasn't ever sure it was ever truly 'merry.' But the man also knew that life was a long time to spend near-happy. As far as David Rossi was concerned, the two women were almost happy, but not quite there yet. It was actually an improvement for Emily- to go from miserable to almost happy. It was a real lucky jump, but JJ had seemed stuck in this purgatory since her transfer all those years ago. JJ had changed. She had seemed to lose a part of herself after she left the team- after she had left Emily. That's when it all got real, and that's when Rossi noticed that the two's happinesses had evolved from constant to flashes, and then from flashes to seldom, and then for a while- while Emily was gone- there just wasn't any happiness there at all.

He liked Ashley Seaver a lot, but he had been around the other two women for nearly ten years. He had seen what they had given each other. For all their faults, the two had secrets they only shared with each other. He had seen the things they had only trusted with each other, and he doubted that even their spouses had been privy to that knowledge. So yes, he liked Ashley Seaver, and maybe that's why he decided to give the advice that wasn't in the best of taste, because it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine to be the backup either.

"Listen, kid. I'm married three times, and not opposed to number four. I'm not the proponent of the sanctity of marriage."

"So, you find a way to be happy for her _or_?" JJ repeated and stared intensely at the man in front of her.

"Or, or you find a way to be happy with her." And that was the last thing Rossi uttered over a chuckle before he walked off.

_Or. _The word sticks in her head all the way home.

* * *

**Are there any Peaver fans out there or is everyone rooting for Emily/JJ? **

**It's a slow buildup. **


	8. Forget-Me-Not

Emily's first few days as Unit Chief had been pure hell for JJ. It had started with the marriage announcement. Then, there was the horrific "marriage dinner." Then, the day after that she had to watch Alvez and Spence gawking at a redheaded Ashley Seaver as the younger woman walked her way right into Emily's office with no hesitation, as wives typically do. However, while things had started off awful, the days had passed, cases came and went, and most importantly, Ashley was kept detained in London because of a turnover delay. Between the redhead's recent absence, the monotony of cases, and the hire of Stephen Walker, both Emily and JJ had felt better. They were both individually worried for Reid and his latest family issues, but both women felt like there had been a weight lifted off of them.

And it had given both women a chance to become at least somewhat familiar with their new normal. In 2012, after Emily had returned from Paris, the two had, for most of the year, been icebergs to each other. Emily wasn't talking, and JJ didn't really make an effort to get her to open up either. At the time, it really felt like JJ's wedding had completely doomed them. Nevertheless, each time Emily returned the women seemed to warm to each other more and more. By the time Emily was back full-time in 2016; well, it didn't feel like 2007 anymore obviously, but their closeness had at least reached 2010 levels. It was the news of Seaver's existence that had re-iced them both, but after an adjustment period they had started to melt again. It wasn't just the way the two would communicate with such ease, so freely exchanging ideas and reassurances on cases, but the way the two felt like they were getting to know each other again. It felt like a fresh start, like all the hope they had way back when Emily had first transferred.

The BAU's jet was completely dark, aside from the small overheard light above the furthest back seat where JJ was sitting across from Emily. The team was headed back after a case in Palm Beach. The exhaustion had played on Emily's features while she flipped through the numerous pages of paperwork. JJ had some work to do herself, but she was content to just stare at the woman in front of her and study her expression. There was a very thin strand of gray hair Emily's colorist must have missed. It took all her restraint to not lean forward and pin it behind Emily's ear, not to hide but to display it proudly. JJ had seen the touch of gray as an accomplishment. It was a sense of pride- Emily had reached an age where she had grayed. She had begun to reflect on all of Emily's run ins with death, and the feelings of fear and sadness crept into her, until Emily had shaken her out of it.

"You're so creepy," the brunette had teased in a pointedly low voice. "If you were any taller I would call you Lurch."

JJ just laughed at the remark. "It's a bit like being on safari. I get to the see the animal up close in its natural habitat."

"You've never even been on safari."

JJ ignored the very true remark, "All these years I've heard about you being a unit chief, now I finally witness it."

"How do you think it's going?" Emily asked while she continued to write and sign through the stack of papers.

"You as chief?"

"Yeah…Pining for Hotch yet?" She questioned as she finally reached the last page in the stack of papers. Emily closed the file she had been writing in and pushed it to the side. She intertwined her fingers on top of the small table, and focused better on JJ. The blonde had dark bags under her eyes, which was understandable. They were all tired, but it made Emily smile because she remembered a time when they could be up all night and zero evidence of tiredness would be on JJ's face. But things had changed. They had both gotten older, grow older together.

"Hmm…well, I only cry about reporting to you every night," JJ laughed before she found her eyes had drifted to Emily's hands. She focused on the plain piece of metal peeking out in the mess of fingers. She was too tired to stop herself from asking the question. She accidentally blurted it out, in a voice a few decibels louder than they were used to typically, "What do you two talk about?"

Emily immediately knew who the blonde was asking about. She looked down at the finger she knew JJ had been staring at. When Ashley had picked up the phone three and a half years prior, Emily had been eternally grateful. When she had shown up to Heathrow and had found Ashley and her pile of bags for waiting for her, she had felt settled. When Ashley had said 'I do,' she had felt mostly prepared. She felt all those things so why, in this moment with JJ, did that tiny circle of metal feel like a millstone around her neck? "Home stuff," Emily merely answered.

"Like Tupperware?"

"Jaje," Emily chuckled at the question, "Just the usual, you?"

"We talk about the boys, and work. Do you talk a lot about work? Given her own BAU history, I mean?"

"No, it's 'banned' as a topic unless it's general or about me."

JJ nodded. Her mind drifted to her own wedding bands she had tucked in under her crossed arms. She could see the similarities in both Ashley and Will. The both were long-suffering. They both took her and Emily out of their work. The both had a history with the BAU, but weren't part of it. Maybe they had married the perfect people. And, yet, JJ didn't know why she couldn't stop herself from challenging it, "Do you like that?"

Emily dragged her bottom lip through her teeth. The fact was that Ashley's reluctance to talk about the messier parts of human nature always made her feel…they made her feel more guarded about divulging her own past. Ashley had known the basics, and that was all she would continue to know as far as Emily was concerned. "That's how normal people are."

"True," JJ conceded before it slipped out, "But you're not normal."

The laugh Emily let out wasn't guarded or restrained. It was much too loud for the small, quiet plane full of sleeping FBI agents, but JJ loved it. It was a hearty laugh, not one the laughs that were barely above a whisper that JJ had grown so accustomed to. It wasn't the laugh they had both trained themselves to have years ago, when their personal lives had consisted of secrets and lies. Emily's secrets and JJ's lies.

"Neither are you."

JJ shrugged at the statement, "That is why I never claimed to be."

"You're wearing a forget-me-not."

"Hmm?"

"The flower," Emily clarified and nodded toward to the small blue pin on the lapel of JJ's black jacket. "It's called a forget-me-not."

"Oh, I just thought it was pretty," JJ confessed with a shrug. "You know why they're called that?"

Emily had only offered a 'mhmm' to the question at first. Then she elaborated. "It comes from an ancient romantic tale. There was this French knight walking with his fiancée alongside a river. They were about to get married, and he was wearing his suit of armor. She noticed this beautiful bunch of blue flowers on an islet, so he jumped in the river to get them for her. But the river's current was too fast, and his armor was too heavy. He ended up being swept away and drowned. Before he did, he had thrown the flowers at her feet and yelled 'souvenez-vous de moi.' Forget me not. That's how the flower was named."

"That is….sadder than I expected," JJ admitted, which had earned her another laugh from Emily.

"Well, there are other versions of it."

"Happier?"

"No, he dies in them all," Emily chuckled with a shake of her head.

"Well thanks for the cheer up, Prentiss."

"You-are-welcome," Emily remarked sarcastically before she got up to grab a coffee.

It had been difficult for Emily. She could tell JJ had been making an effort to care more about her relationship, but talking about Ashley with JJ made her incredibly uncomfortable. In fact, as much as Emily cared for and was committed to the other woman, there was a certain weight associate with having Ashley as her wife. After JJ had walked away from her, Emily was the one who had flirted with the FBI cadet. She was the one who had invited Ashley out for drinks with her. She was the one who had not so subtly mentioned her nearby apartment to the younger woman. Most of all, she was the who had called Ashley the week after she landed in London. She was the one who had suggested Ashley could come live with her in London because she couldn't bear to be alone anymore. She was the one who couldn't stomach her own _wanting_ anymore. And when she got the call from Hotch, she was the one who couldn't cope the idea of going back to the BAU- back to JJ- unattached. And she was the one who had said those words.

_Would you want to get married? _

And as soon as she had said the words she knew she could never take back, she could have sworn she could hear her heart beating in her ears. She was the one who had said it. She was the one who had brought Ashley to London and back again, and how could she have put the other woman through that unless it was some great love? So as far as Emily Prentiss was concerned, it had to be forever.

* * *

On the other hand, for JJ the weight was more obvious. She didn't want to cross lines. In fact, she found herself walking the same tightrope Emily had for years, and she hated it. She wanted to be close with the brunette. She desperately yearned for the quiet times alone on cases where she had the chance to joke, or open up to, or touch each other, depending on whatever she felt like that given night. Those chances had disappeared slowly over the years. The first that went were their opportunities to 'touch' each other when they felt like it, where they felt like it. It wasn't as if the physical shift happened immediately after Emily told JJ to go after Will. There were still some fleeting moments, that was until two months later when JJ found out she was pregnant. JJ could still picture the night she told Emily vividly in her mind. She had barely been able to slip away from Will while they were on that case in New York.

_How did this happen?_

_Em-_

_I mean, I'm just worried about your career. What about your career?_

_I can still have a career._

_Are you going to marry him?_

_No. _

_But he asked. _

_And I said 'no.'_

_He's moving to D.C.?_

_I can't control where he lives. _

_But he's moving in with you?_

Then JJ had asked it of her. There were tears in her eyes when she did, and her throat sounded like it was completely constricted.

_I tried to break up with him, and then the very next day…Why did you tell me to go after him? _

Emily had never answered her, even nine years later JJ wasn't sure of the answer. She only knew the consequences. Emily had said it, she has listened to it, and then she had gone off with Will.

_Why did you tell me to go after him? _The questioned had haunted the brunette, and it would always pop up in her head as a fantasy. It was the same imaginary speech she would play over and over again in her head- what _could have _happened.

The BAU plane ride home from Miami was the first time Emily had imagined the fake conversation, the conversation she would replay in her head when she was alone. It had gotten better after moving on with Ashley, but there would still be times- there would still be these little moments when she would be washing her hands or showering or on hold on phone calls- times when she would imagine that conversation.

She would think of how JJ would sit next to her on the BAU plane. They would wait until all the lights were off and JJ would slip into the seat next to her. The other woman not caring at all if Emily wanted to be alone.

_"__Why did you say that to me at the precinct? You know that's not what I wanted."_

_Emily would wait for a few seconds, but force herself to answer. "I thought he would be good for you."_

_"__You're good for me," JJ would argue back in that harsh tone she used with the press when she was completely fed up. "It hurt me, the way you acted like I meant nothing to you."_

_"__I didn't mean it like that…" And then Emily would be honest. "It has nothing to do with my not wanting you, I promise. I just want you to be happy, and-"_

_"__And?"_

_"__And I don't like feeling this way. I'm not used to it. It's the only thing that scares me- to feel so exposed and in love with someone."_

_"__You have to trust me." JJ would order, her blue eyes swirling with both love and frustration. "I don't want to do this without you, any of this."_

_"__I'm sorry I told you to go after him. I didn't mean it."_

_"__I'm sorry I kissed him," JJ would reply with a pained expression. It would be pained because she would've pulled away in time to see Emily's face as she walked away from her and Will. _

_"__It's okay."_

Always after the conversation ended, so would the brunette's fantasy. Because Emily didn't admit to JJ she was only scared because she was in love. Because JJ didn't go sit next to her on that BAU jet home- she had stayed the weekend with Will. Because JJ didn't pull away just a second earlier from Will's kiss to see Emily's broken expression.

* * *

**Double chapter tonight. **


	9. I Won't Be Second Place

In the way things normally went with the BAU, just as things had been returning back to their version of normal, the team found themselves in jeopardy. This time Reid had been arrested, which had left the entire group in distress. After the loss of Hotch and Morgan, most of the team just weren't sure they could go through it again. The group of profilers were all falling apart in their own ways at the prospect of Reid rotting away in a Mexican jail for a crime they were sure he didn't commit. It was especially hard on the unit's chief to keep everyone grounded, and to make sure that everyone was moving forward. It was the only way they could save Reid. If they gave up and took even a minute to wallow in their despair, that was a minute spent not helping the man. It put Emily a tough position. It meant that Emily 'family' Prentiss had to disappear for a while to let Agent Prentiss take over. While the rest of the team could take their turns falling apart, Emily's job was to steady the ship. This was a time when the team had needed a 'Hotch.' It wasn't as if that ability was completely out of Emily's wheelhouse. The more she had thought about it, the more she realized she had been as much at Interpol.

Even with her experience, it was difficult to see the team so upset. It was difficult to see JJ so upset. Aside from Garcia, JJ was probably the most concerned. Emily knew that JJ and Reid had a special relationship, one like an older sister and brother. Sometimes- a lot of the time- it felt like JJ would cross over into maternal territory with Reid. Emily had always wondered if perhaps it had something to do with JJ's sister. As the years had gone on and she got to know him better, Emily always felt like Reid was a little stronger than the rest of the team gave him credit for. That being said, she also felt that maybe JJ's inability to save her sister made her overprotective of a man who was outwardly sensitive and tender- no matter how brave he could be.

So, unsurprisingly, there had been a sense of relief when Spencer Reid was back on U.S. soil. Emily knew she had technically played a little fast and loose with the law to get them to that point, but this was the work of Scratch. She was sure of it. The moment that was realized it became a 'whatever it takes' type of mission. She was prepared to deal with the fallout. While a U.S. jail wasn't the most ideal place for Spencer Reid, especially since him being an agent made him somewhat of a 'marked man,' it was still preferable to a Mexican prison. At least it would be easier to coordinate his case out of the U.S. However, as things tended to go in the BAU, as soon as it looked like they were making headway with Reid, they were back to square one. He wasn't going to be getting the legal representation they had expected. The FBI was not behind him in this case. It was Reid versus the United States Justice System. For the most part, Emily had believed in it. She had devoted her life to it, but she wasn't stupid. She knew the criminal justice system wasn't perfect. She knew innocent people slipped through the cracks everyday and the world kept moving. So considering all of the things she knew to be true, Emily wasn't surprised when JJ had nodded towards the brunette's office, wanting to talk.

"What did Stephen say?" There were no niceties or any small talk from JJ. It was one of the few times she didn't want to extend her time with Emily. She wanted to be in the loop right then.

"Reid is on his own."

"What do you mean?"

Emily sighed and leaned against her closed office door. She stared at the tense woman in front of her. She had thought about reaching out to touch her, but opted to cross her arms over her chest instead. Another aggravated breath, "The FBI is not behind Reid on this one."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he'll have to find his own attorney. He's not being supported in his case legally, financially, or appearance-wise by the Bureau."

"What?" JJ was shocked. How could this be happening? She had seen other officers and agents be accused of crimes or misconduct and were supported until it was final they were guilty. "What are you going to do about it?"

"There's nothing I can do, officially. I don't make those decisions- they're above my pay grade. He had no reason to be in Mexico beside personal ones. Maybe if he had been working on a case and...I don't know. It doesn't really matter. I do know someone we can call to help his defense, but otherwise…" Emily drifted off with another sigh. She had never felt so powerless. She felt even worse when she really looked at JJ.

The blonde profiler wasn't in a good place. JJ's eyes were dull and broken, outlined by deep, dark bags. Her hair was messy and frizzy at the crown. Her clothes were wrinkled, the color of her shirt all twisted up. "But it's Spence…He can't- I know I said-"

"-JJ, look at me," Emily cut in with a firm voice. She placed two hands on the blonde's shoulders, "You do what you need to do for Spencer. I will find a way to fix this. I will fix this." And that was when she did it. That was when she took the step forward and embraced the other woman, tightly. It had felt just like ten years prior- Reid in trouble and Emily grounding the blonde. The fact was that the younger woman had been through a lot over the past decade, no longer as young, innocent, or green as she used to be. Despite the experience, there were still times when she could be frazzled and panicked, and it was only Emily who could get through to her. It had always been Emily.

On her end, JJ didn't stifle the feelings that came with being in Emily's embrace again, with being able to touch her. She let it warm her and send shivers throughout her torso. She took a deep breath in the crook of Emily's neck, and felt another wave of emotion pass over her. It was Emily. It was that ever familiar smell of lavender shampoo, amber, and something entirely Emily. The best way she could describe the scent would be 'warmth.'

No matter the circumstances they were in, that same smile stayed on JJ's face until she left the office and headed back to her desk. It had even carried over as she sat at the desk cluster that once used to belong to Morgan, Reid, and Emily. Emily's desk- it had always felt so special to them. Even after they had ended- even with all the pain, and frustration, and occasional resentment that had come with the 'end'- that desk had always felt special and unspoiled.

* * *

There was another reason why she had been so content to walk over to Kevin Lynch that night. Yes, it was because she thought that maybe everything did happen for a reason- no matter how bad- but also because Penelope Garcia had seen someone else lurking from the corner of her eye. She wasn't stupid. The technical analyst knew exactly _why_ the brunette profiler had been loitering around and _who _she wanted to talk to. While she had gone over to talk to the new man, she freed up JJ the chance to follow Emily to the older woman's desk.

"You're okay," Emily remarked as she had run her eyes over JJ's body, confirming her own assessment.

"Are you asking or telling me?" JJ replied and moved to sit on the edge of Emily's desk. It was a habit she had grown to cherish- all the little excuses she would come up with to go talk to Emily throughout the day and sit on her desk.

"I'm not surprised."

JJ looked down at the BAU's dark carpet. She was a full-blown agent, as readily prepared to go into the field as anyone else, but it didn't normally come to her to pull the trigger. "It's the first time I've ever-."

"I know," Emily finished with a nod. "You did what you needed to."

"Yeah," JJ agreed with a sigh. Her eyes were a darker blue than usual, glazed over with a set of tears she wouldn't allow to fall. It had been scary to her- the entire case. Shooting Battle had probably been the easiest part of the whole ordeal for her. "I don't feel guilty."

Emily tilted her head at the other woman. It was a soft expression, but her voice remained firm. It was so certain and without doubt that it was confidence building, "You shouldn't. In that moment you did exactly what you were supposed to do. I know the first time you take that shot, you question yourself. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. You did your job."

JJ waited and let the words sink into her. She suddenly felt so reassured. She always felt that way around Emily. There would be times on cases where she would sometimes feel so inferior. She wasn't an experienced profiler like Hotch or Rossi. She wasn't considered to be as good in the field as Hotch, Emily or Morgan. She didn't think of herself as smart as Spencer…or even Emily. She wasn't technically proficient like Garcia. But, she never felt that way with Emily. She never felt lesser. Or, maybe even more importantly, she knew Emily didn't feel that way about her. It was like that time back on the Hankel case. JJ felt like that one moment in the bathroom perfectly encapsulated the type of person Emily Prentiss was. JJ had almost shot the other woman, and Emily was the one who had apologized for scaring her. Then, she had completely bypassed the moment altogether and invited her to check out a lead with her, knowing JJ really needed to get out of that house. JJ wasn't sure if a lot of other team members would've done that for her in that moment. It wasn't that she thought they were bad teammates either. Emily was just special. She found herself looking down at Emily from the spot on her desk, and she just looked so _soft. _Emily had looked so warm, so comforting, so loving in that moment that it just overtook the blonde. "You held my hand, at the hospital."

"You were scared."

"I love Penelope…" JJ drifted off. She noticed Emily nod in agreement, probably thinking that JJ was going to talk more about her special relationship with the technical analyst. Instead, JJ knew she wanted to say more. "And you- you don't have to say it back, but I've felt it for a long time. I mean, a _long _time," She drawled with a laugh. "You probably already knew."

"Yeah, well," Emily smiled with a raise of her eyebrows. It's not quite a smirk, but a knowing smile at least. The brunette's expression softened again, accompanied by a loving tone. "I'll always be there- I'll always be there to hold your hand and tell you it's going to be okay." JJ doesn't reply or expand on it any further. She knew they both knew. "You're a good shot," Emily remarked and got up from her desk chair, signaling she was ready for them to go back to her apartment for the night.

"Better than you."

"No kidding." Emily agreed.

_See, _JJ thought to herself as they walked out of the BAU building, _special._

* * *

Ashley had gone into work at 7am, and, if her watch was right, she had been heading into her apartment after 9pm. It wasn't odd for a FBI agent to work late, Emily did all the time. But Ashley was stuck on a desk duty job. They were long, boring days. It wasn't like being off in the field all day. It was reading, writing, typing all day. Needless to say, she was glad to be home. They had decided on a condo in Georgetown. It was newer and not a townhouse, but Ashley had gotten her pick of neighborhood and Emily had gotten her preferred style of real estate. Emily loved a good condo.

Ashley opened the uniform, beige front door that had blended in with all the rest of the units, and went into to kick off her shoes. She was surprised to see Emily and another woman lain out on their living room floor. Emily and the other woman- who looked closer to Emily's age than Ashley's- were engrossed in pages upon pages of papers that were scattered all over the couple's medium tone wooden floors. Every light was on, including one in the kitchen, with the curtains on their sliding glass doors left completely open. Ashley wordlessly left her bags on the kitchen counter and went over to close the curtains, careful to step over the two women.

"Hey," Emily offered in a distracted tone. "Ash, this is Fiona." Fiona merely raised her hand and to signal she was present and went back to reading. Sure enough, Emily had come through. She had always found a way to come through. She had ended up making a call to her old friend, Fiona, and the other woman had agreed to take Reid's case. Maybe it wasn't the standard of ethical practices, but Fiona and Emily had been working together on Reid's case on the floor of Emily and Ashley's new place. "Good day?" Emily asked after she finally looked up from the pile of papers she had been working on. Ashley just offered her a tired smile and a shrug.

"I don't want to bother you-"

"No bother," Emily waved the other woman off.

"You want to come visit with me while I change?" Ashley offered. She had already started walking to their bedroom before Emily could answer back. Ashley would admit she was disappointed. There didn't seem to be any dinner for her when she got home, and there was another woman she had never seen before in her home. It wasn't someone she had seen around like Garcia or JJ. Who was this Fiona?

It took a few minutes before Emily finally made her way into their bedroom. Ashley had been putting the last of her personal items away. Her pants were thrown in the corner on the floor, and aside from the white button-up shirt she was still wearing, she looked like she was just about ready to get into the shower. "You okay?" Emily offered, feeling a bit guilty when she slightly surprised the other woman.

"I'm just really tired."

"Long day?"

"Yeah...long and boring," Ashley sighed.

Emily walked over to rub the other's woman's back and give her a quick kiss on the temple. "We put away some noodles for you."

"Thanks…who is 'we'?" Ashley asked and moved back slightly to be able to study Emily. She never could read the other woman. Sometimes she would look into her wife's neutral face and she would feel like she was the same 26 year-old FBI cadet out of her depth.

"Oh, Fiona Duncan- she's the attorney I told you about. The one for Reid. She's an old friend," Emily clarified. She could see in Ashley's eyes she had been trying to work out what the other woman was to Emily.

"And she's...here?"

Emily looked puzzled at the question. She wasn't exactly sure what Ashley had asked her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Ashley began a little cautiously. She didn't want to come across cold, and was afraid her slight jealously might color the real problem she saw with this situation. "I thought you said the Bureau was pulling away."

"They are, but I can do whatever I want on my free time."

"Okay."

Emily knew it hadn't been the most genuine _okay. _After years together the brunette could tell when Ashley was being passive aggressive. "Okay, what?"

"You found him an attorney. You did a great thing," Ashley began before she let out of sigh. She rubbed at her tired eyes with the palms of her hands- another sign for Emily to pick up on. It wasn't that Ashley meant to be difficult. She knew her wife must have had a long day at work. Then, apparently, on her time off she had been working even more on Reid's case, but Ashley didn't think it was fair. Ashley was always naturally skeptical and protective. It was just her personality. And as such, she didn't think Emily should have been getting overly involved in Reid's case. Finding him an attorney- who had drastically dropped her rates for Emily's sake- was enough. "I don't want you getting, well, fucked over. I don't want your job in jeopardy because you're so involved. I know how you feel about them, but there are still politics involved-"

"-Reid is my friend. He's my family, and he's locked up for a crime he didn't do. What kind of person would I be if I didn't help him? I don't care about my job. I don't care enough about it to let him rot in jail for _murdering someone._"

"I understand that Emmy, but you are helping him. I know, I know-" She said, as she held up her hand and let out a frustrated huff. "I'm just looking out for you. So, she's just a friend then?" Ashley was content to change the subject. She now knew Emily knew how she felt. She wasn't trying to be cold. She was just trying to protect Emily.

"Just friend," Emily repeated. She found herself a little more frustrated herself. It was the irritation that made her look around the room and pick out each thing she hated about it. The bedspread was a bright red, and Emily had hated it. Their dresser and nightstands were a very dark and overly ornate design, which she also hated. The draperies had matched their bedspread, which made the room feel very matchy and a little cheap. She did't love the place in any way, but her wife did. She had picked it all. They were married. The woman in front of her was her wife, and even though Ashley never seemed to understand that protecting people was just what Emily did- and that she would be unhappy or lost if she couldn't- Emily knew the misguided advice was out of love. "We did have a thing a while back," Emily started, a little gentler than before. She looked at the ceiling and worked out the math in her head, "A while as in 17 years ago? I mean it's been a while."

Ashley nodded along. She was content with the answer, "So I have nothing to be worried about then."

"Nothing."

And that's when she said it. It was odd, forceful. She was hardly ever jealous. They both had a good amount of female friends. They both were close to their female coworkers. It was so unlike Ashley. Ashley, herself, didn't even know why she felt compelled to get it out or what she meant by it. She reached out to hold Emily's hand, and as she ran her fingers over the smooth wedding band she put it out there. "I won't be second place to anyone, Emily."

"I know."

And just like that Ashley walked back to the bathroom to shower, Emily's eyes trained on her the entire way.

* * *

**PLOT NOTE- Someone messaged me asking if the season 14 finale would be in this fic. Normally, I don't do spoilers, but I'll just admit no. I am not really interested in doing that for a couple reasons. I don't think it fits at all with what I'm working on (it seems like it would only be sad!emily and this is supposed to be sad!everyone). I also feel like it was a little cheap from the writers. Obviously, I think given all the subtext it would make more sense with Emily and JJ, but it would still be a weak plot device. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	10. Not Tonight

**A long chapter this time. **

* * *

"Let's finalize my list," Ashley half-ordered, half-asked. They were both on their couch at home. Ashley reached over from where she was seated to grab a pen and pad off the glass coffee table in the middle of the room. She was careful not to disrupt Emily's feet too much when she moved. While Ashley had enough energy to sit up and watch the series of families move in and out of homes on HGTV, Emily was content to just lie still horizontally on the sofa, her legs thrown upon Ashley's lap.

In spite of all her work, in spite of Stephen's commitment to find Scratch, in spite of the team's tireless efforts, in spite of all of Fiona's experience, Reid was still in prison. It was weighing on them all, but especially Emily. She had seen firsthand the toll it had been taking on Reid, and Garcia, and JJ. Needless to say, Emily didn't find it to be the best time for a dinner party, but she had promised Ashley. She had promised and put off for months by that point, but Rossi finally mentioned to Emily that maybe it was time for the team to have a night off. Maybe the team needed a break for one night.

It was just about as decent of timing as the unit was going to get. They thought they might finally have a new lead to track down Scratch, and Emily was due to fly out to London in two nights to get some help from her Interpol contacts. So the brunette had acquiesced: the next night she would host a dinner party with Ashley Seaver. Emily wasn't sure how Ashley was going to get it all together so last minute, but it didn't really matter. Emily Prentiss wasn't Elizabeth Prentiss. If things went south she had no problem serving her guests pizza for dinner.

"Who's coming?" Ashley asked during a commercial. She tapped her pen against the notepad, gently reminding Emily she wanted her to pay attention.

"The team."

The redhead laughed, "Can I have some names?" The yawn that Emily let out signaled to Ashley that she would have to take the lead on making this list. "No Reid, for obvious reasons. Penelope?"

"She'll be there."

"Plus one?"

"No, I think solo."

"Rossi?"

"Yes."

"Plus one?"

Emily scoffed at the question, "Nah. I don't want to open that can of worms."

"Okay, no date for Agent Rossi," Ashley laughed. Ashley had found his checkered dating life very interesting and wasn't opposed to letting that into their evening for a little fun, but she trusted Emily's judgment on that one.

"Alvez," Emily added. She cut in before Ashley could bother to ask, "No date for him. I'm sure. Don't bother asking."

"Solo Alvez," Ashley wrote down with a chuckle.

"And Garcia."

"I already said her," Ashley noted as she continued to write on her pad. " JJ and Will."

"No Will."

"No Will?"

Emily didn't feel she had any bad blood with Will. She had always liked the guy. He wasn't a bad guy, and she was married now. Will not being invited wasn't out of any sort of malice or jealousy, she reasoned. None of the other BAU spouses besides Ashley were coming. Granted, there were no other BAU spouses besides Stephen's, who wasn't able to attend, but still. It wasn't necessary. Emily cleared her throat before she answered, "I think he's babysitting."

"Okay….JJ should really let him out of his dungeon," Ashley joked before she studied her very short list. "You know, not a lot of 'plus ones' for the BAU."

"Yeah, well, comes with the territory."

"We're very lucky then," Ashley remarked absentmindedly. Emily had just nodded along again. She was lucky. She was lucky to be in this position. She was lucky her wife was hosting a dinner, and she wasn't going over to a LaMontagne dinner instead.

"Oh, hey!" Ashley exclaimed and hit Emily on the leg. "What about Morgan?"

"We can't."

"Why?"

"Persona non grata." Emily knew she would have to clarify that: no, they weren't in some sort of feud. Spence was just embarrassed and wanted to keep the number of people knowing down. "Reid doesn't want to see him right now, and if someone slips…"

"Okay."

Emily bit her bottom lip as she tried to think of someone else to invite. She had to admit their list was a little short. "Maybe Fiona?"

"No."

Emily chuckled at the curt response. "I told you there was nothing to be jealous about with Fiona."

"And I've had her over here since then. Haven't I?" Ashley reminded and pointedly ignored Emily's raised eyebrow. "It has nothing to do with anything seventeen years ago. It's that if Fiona comes the night will devolve into being all about Reid's case, and I get it. I knew Reid, and I'm worried about him too. God knows, that man _of all people_ does not belong in a prison. But, you said yourself, we're doing our dinner party now because the team needs a break. You need a break. Look at you Emmy," Ashley gestured to Emily's body on the couch. She was completely spent at nine o'clock in the evening. "You're run down. You're exhausted, and I'm sure the rest of your team is too. It isn't a bad thing to have one night away from the case. It might even help you to have a break and go back with fresh eyes."

The older woman accepted the lecture, "No Fiona."

"For sure, Fiona and a plus one- a plus two even- are welcome. _After_ the case," Ashley assured with a pat to the leg. "But right now? It's just too much for you all."

* * *

It was around 8:20 in the evening, 10 minutes before the dinner was supposed to start, when JJ had shown up to Emily and Ashley's condo. After her last botched dinner, JJ had made a point of leaving earlier than before to be able to ensure that if there was any awkward set ups, she could try to avoid them. She had called Garcia on the way over, but apparently the woman was still getting ready because only Tara, Rossi and Alvez were at Emily's. The four had all hovered around the kitchen, snacking and drinking wine, while Ashley put the finishing touches on dinner. After she had gone into to the surprisingly small condo, greeted everyone at the counter, and left a bottle of wine she had brought, JJ had noticed that Emily had moved from her position by Tara. She was standing a little farther back from the chatting foursome. JJ grabbed a glass of wine and followed Emily out on to her back terrace.

The view was decidedly less awe-inspiring than Emily's previous apartments. Her condo, their condo, was at the back of their building, and faced out to the view of houses and Georgetown Hospital. It wasn't quite the view of the Capitol. Quite frankly, JJ felt that it showed the uglier side of D.C., but it was nice to be outside anyway. It was nice to be out of the claustrophobic living room and in the open air with Emily. The two were side by side. Both women leaned their arms against the terrace's rail, leaving their wine glasses hovering over the land below.

JJ had cut into the silence first, "Hey you."

"Hey."

"It's pretty out here," JJ remarked into the quiet night.

Emily "hmm'ed" noncommittally, and after a few more second passed, she moved to face JJ. They still learned against the rail, but both women were then facing each other. "I think it's about the only thing I like about this place."

"Really?" JJ's tone isn't exactly one of shock, but she's a little taken aback to find out Emily hates her home. Sure, it was a lot smaller than the other places Emily had in the past, and wasn't the neighborhood she pictured Emily in, but it was a fine place?

"It fit all the boxes. It's not terribly located, and it has this great terrace to just relax and unwind. I liked that, but I don't really like all that much about it. It's dated, but it doesn't have character. It's small, as if it tries too hard to be warm. The bedroom is too dark- not even dark- it's dim. And I know," Emily lifted her free hand to signal to the other woman not to interrupt. "I know that sounds weird to say, but it's just dim in there. It's not great when you're trying to get ready. And Ashley likes to put these red handkerchiefs over the lamps so they have a red tint…"

"Oh my god," JJ laughed.

"It's like I'm living in Morgan's retired sex dungeon," Emily laughed back.

JJ had sipped on her glass before she spoke again, "So why'd you pick it?"

"It was more of a compromise. Like I said, it fit most of the boxes. There are no perfect places." JJ nodded in agreement. Most of the time there was an element of compromise when it came to renting or buying real estate. Although, she was surprised that Emily Prentiss, who had a lot more money than she did, seemed to have to compromise so much on where she wanted to live. "My apartment was cleaner in London. I think I liked that. I think I've gotten out of the habit of 'things' and 'trinkets.'"

"Em," JJ said over a laugh. "You never were much for decorating. Your other places just had personality built in."

"Yeah."

A few seconds of quiet passed before JJ started the conversation again. "You know which apartment of yours I loved?"

"Which one?" Emily asked as she had a sip of wine herself. It was nice. It was relaxing- to be out there with JJ.

"I loved that place you had right when you transferred to the BAU."

Emily took a deep breath as she remembered the nearly perfect apartment. "Yeah, it was pretty perfect."

"Why'd you move?"

Emily shook her head and bit her bottom lip at the question. Why did she ever want to move? "I guess…guess I just got antsy. Wanted to see what else was out there."

"Your next place was pretty nice too."

"Yeah."

"That one probably fit you better, anyway. I don't know, the first apartment just felt special to me," JJ admitted and began to trace her fingers along the terrace's railway. It felt like the railing's chalkiness rubbed on to her fingertips.

"I think in a perfect scenario…" Emily began before she drifted off and checked to see that the rest of the unit wasn't ready for them yet. They weren't, so Emily was free to continue on. "Perfect scenario would have been to stay at the first apartment. Then, after Doyle, I could have moved to the next one."

"He ruined it, didn't he? Second apartment I mean." Emily just nodded and gazed out towards the view of…the hospital. "Hey, I get it. It's an invasion. It's the one place you're supposed to feel safe and it's impossible when someone takes it away from you. Actually 'impossible' is too weak a word. I get it."

"It was a great apartment though," the brunette sighed.

"And I have a great house," JJ remarked with a sigh. "And it's cheap considering how the D.C. area's real estate had changed. I get why Will wanted to stay. It was probably the 'smart' thing to do, but, fuck if I didn't want to move after I saw that unsub in our house…still do." JJ moved her wineglass from her right to left hand, and inched her pinky finger just enough to touch Emily's fingertips. It had been years, but she still worried. She would probably always worry. "How do you feel about it all now? Is it still…taken away?"

Emily furrowed her brow at the question, and tried to respond honestly. "I feel better about it. I think I just needed time to believe that he was gone. That I was okay….I am okay. I did a job. I did what I had to do."

"You did," JJ assured. It was firm- the voice she had used. It was firm at the start, but as she worked her ways through the words her voice became more affected, more affectionate. "You're a good person, Em. Always remember that. How you were able to do that assignment- how you were able to and have been able to keep your humanity through it all. It more proves than disproves it."

"Well," Emily began with a grin, "I still wish I was better."

"You're good enough."

Emily decided not to argue with the blonde about it, "I did a job, and I had to make peace with it. It had been at the back of my head for years. I was so worried what everyone else would think of me if the truth came out. I know Morgan said he was mad I didn't tell anyone."

"You couldn't," JJ reminded. She knew all about secretive missions and they weren't something you could just divulge at will; not even to other FBI agents.

"It was hard…It was hard to be scared. To be scared of Doyle. To be worried that other people would judge me. All the withholding had made me feel like a spy, and I didn't want that anymore. I think I felt the need to prove myself to everyone. To prove I could be trusted. To prove that I was a normal person, not just for their sakes but for my own, too. To remind myself that the past was the past." JJ didn't say a word. She just nodded and let Emily talk. "I don't feel that way anymore, fortunately. He doesn't haunt my every spare hour. I don't have nightmares of him and what he wanted to do to me- most of all what he wanted to do to everyone else. I needed space to make peace with it all. A fresh start to help process it all…And it helps that space made you all miss and appreciate me more."

JJ laughed at the other woman's joke. She smiled even more after she noticed the lopsided grin on Emily's face. "We missed you A LOT. We always knew we loved you, but maybe we didn't appreciate how much until you weren't there." She was quieter when she said the next part. It was a secret that she wouldn't allow anyone inside the condo to hear. "A lot of really good agents have come and gone trying to take your place. None of them ever could. No one ever can."

They were both content to let the statement sit out there. It sat with them until Emily felt the words had just about faded into the night. "What'd you think of my other apartments?"

"Other apartments," JJ playfully scoffed. "You mean your hotel and the house you refused to buy?"

"It was ugly."

JJ laughed at the defense. "It was an ugly house." The blonde had moved just enough to see through the sliding glass door that Ashley was headed toward them. JJ dropped her hand off the rail and simply remarked, "That's the thing about rental condos, though. They're not permanent. You don't have to stay here forever, Em."

Just like that their moment was over, and Ashley had joined them on the terrace to tell them dinner was done.

* * *

Jennifer Jareau was starting to hate dinner. Granted, this dinner was decidedly less painful than the marriage announcement one, but it was still difficult for her. It was hard to see Emily and Ashley together. It was hard to be in their home, eating on their plates. Ashley had made the group a roast chicken. Of course it was great, of course. She had been humble about it, too, remarking earlier in the night- in response to one of the many compliments from the table- that it was the only dinner she could prepare. She had learned from the other law enforcement wives in London. "Other wives" had stayed in JJ's mind as she scraped at her plate, careful to not scratch it. JJ had wondered if the couple had picked their china out together, or if it was a wedding gift from the Ambassador. Or maybe the glassware was? That looked expensive too. Did the Ambassador like Ashley? Did the elder Prentiss approve? It wasn't like Ashley had the best 'breeding'- neither did JJ for that matter- but Ashley was young. She was beautiful. She was smart. She didn't have a lot of baggage, not of her own making anyway. JJ wagered that the Ambassador did approve. JJ knew that Emily could do a lot worse, and she felt the Ambassador probably felt that way too.

"Aren't we getting a story?" Alvez hinted and nodded between Emily and Ashley. He was obviously looking for clarification about how the two had gotten together. _Another reason to hate 'new guy' _Garcia internally muttered as she looked over to a distracted JJ.

"Yeah, tell us!" Tara added.

Emily shrugged and motioned for Ashley to tell it. "It all started- damn, baby," Ashley looked up at Emily and signaled to get her attention, "Seven years ago. 2010."

"Aw, a long twisted love story. I love it," Tara kindly responded, and Ashley turned back to her and Luke to continue on in her story.

"Mind you, I was a fresh cadet-"

"A cadet?" Tara laughed as the entire group, save for JJ, looked to a red-faced Prentiss.

"Scandalous," Garcia giggled. She immediately felt bad for joining in on the story in front of JJ. She just couldn't help her love of interoffice romance.

Emily shook her head at her team, "Okay, okay, I wasn't the boss back then."

"And after some shameless flirting from this experienced agent who trained me. Who I _begged _to take me on-" Ashley began with a nod towards Emily. In the midst of dramatics, no one noticed that Garcia had rolled her eyes at the statement. She had seen shameless flirting before, and there had been none between that former blonde and brunette at the table. _The older blonde and Emily_, Garcia thought, _That's a different story_. "-Emily invited me out for a drink, and then gave me the very coveted invitation back to her apartment." The table had erupted into "oohs" and "ahhs," and even some claps from Rossi. "Which I admit I had been desperately hoping for since the moment I met her. We dated for a while until things got complicated…" Ashley drifted off before she grabbed the hand Emily had left on the table and intertwined it into her own. "A year and a half later I get a call from London, and it's Emily. She told me everything had been sorted and she didn't want to bother me while I was in my assignment with Swann, but she missed me and wanted to catch up. It took a few more months and a lot more phone calls, but finally she said, 'You know, Ashley, an FBI career doesn't really pick up until you move to London.'"

"Very smooth," Luke teased and the rest of the team laughed, even JJ. She couldn't not laugh at Emily's terrible advances. Although, she had to admit that she was shocked Emily had made a move at all. When it was her and Emily, she was the one who had to show up at Emily's apartment. Sure, Emily flirted with her and made her feel…important, but the brunette was never that forward. Ashley and Emily's story seemed like the opposite of the Emily she knew.

Ashley laughed over a loving sigh. "And when you get an offer like that, well, you just gotta take it."

"And the wedding?" Tara questioned.

Rossi looked over to JJ. She had handled herself well, but he couldn't help but feel a little bad for the blonde. He had seen her after Emily merely stated she was married, having to hear the play-by-play must have been even worse. "Make it snappy," Rossi jokingly ordered to his former protégé. "You know I'm an old dog."

"Not that old, Rossi," Ashley smiled. "Wedding? Well, it was all pretty sudden. I never got to be engaged. Of course, Emily did great with the ring." Ashley had held out her hand to show off the two carat cushion cut diamond set in platinum Emily had bought for her, "But it didn't come until later. Emily just came home one night and said, 'Would you want to get married?' There were so many work things up in the air, so the next day Emily bought me that little number. Next thing we knew, we went for a quick trip to the States to get married at her mother's house in Martha's Vineyard."

"And that's it," Emily cut in to mercifully end the story for JJ's sake.

"Yep, honeymoon on the plane ride home. Before I knew it she was in D.C.," Ashley laughed. "I'm so glad though because- and sorry to embarrass you, Emmy- I know she's so happy to be back as your unit chief. I know she loves getting to know Luke, and Tara, and Stephen, who could not make it tonight-"

"To Stephen," Garcia raised her glass into the air and desperately tried to end the conversation.

But, after the toast to their newest co-worker, Ashley had kept going. "And I know she loves being back with her original BAU friends: Rossi, Penelope and JJ."

"Ms. Jareau, if you're nasty. Hey, hey," Garcia had added to lighten the moment, raising her hands in the air and wishing Derek was there too. JJ finally let out a real laugh, and with that the night, thankfully, just about ended.

* * *

The dinner had been an undoubted success. Emily had helped Ashley do most of the cleanup before the younger woman excused her to go pack for London. She had to get her clothes together so she could leave directly from the BAU to the airport. Emily had assured Ashley that it would be a day trip at most, but Ashley understood. To be fair, what difference did it really make? It was either Emily was going to be away on a case or in London. As far as Ashley was concerned, Emily was gone either way.

Emily didn't notice that Ashley had been standing in the doorway of their bedroom, watching her pack. "Bring the black blazer," Ashley softly decided from the doorway. Emily nodded and packed it for the plane ride home. "I'm not sure if it's because it came up a little at dinner, or because I always associate Interpol with him in some way…"

"Hm?" Emily absentmindedly asked while she plugged her phone into the charger on her bedside table.

Ashley's voice had been quiet and extremely gentle- careful- when she asked it. "You never talk to me about it."

"Who?" Emily was still distracted. She wished the lights in their room had a higher wattage.

"Ian Doyle."

Emily sighed and stopped what she was doing to turn around and focus on the younger woman. The red hair had made her look a little older than when she was blonde, but she still looked so young to Emily. She was sympathetic to the other woman, but there was a short list of people who she was willing to talk about Doyle to. It was probably only one name, and it wasn't Ashley's. Emily replied in an even, but still kind voice, "You know as much as anyone."

"Not really."

"You were the one who worked the case," Emily sighed again.

Ashley had tried to stop herself, but she couldn't help but roll her eyes at the statement. It was so ridiculous to her. "It's not a case. It's not a case to me. It's not about the broad details or the vague profile. I'm _married_ to you. It's different."

Emily conceded a nod at the redhead's speech. Maybe Ashley was right, but it didn't change how Emily felt. She just didn't want to go there. Ashley kept her eyes locked on Emily and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb any of Emily's things. A minute passed and nothing happened. Emily didn't offer anything. Ashley shook her head in an annoyed manner, breaking eye contact briefly, before she looked back to Emily's outline in the barely lit room. "Are you going to talk to me about it?"

"Not tonight," Emily answered. It was a soft tone she had used, but there wasn't really anything apologetic in it.

"Some night then?"

Emily had started moving around the room again. She muttered, "It's really late, Ash," in a distracted voice, and went on to pack for her trip London. Ashley couldn't help but wonder if all the stories from that night- or all their stories at all- if they meant anything. "I don't like telling you 'no.'" Emily offered as a peace offering.

"But you're saying 'no'?"

Another sigh, another zip of a bag, "I'm saying: not tonight."

* * *

**About earlier reviews on 'upheaval and unfaithfulness.' I hope so far I'm doing the characters justice without any "bad guys." I want everyone to be sympathetic. Personally, I think that Emily's character really doesn't seem like an 'other woman' type. They're all just humans and trying to do their best. **

**Without spoilers (I actually already have this story written, I'm just tweaking and trying to edit before I post) I will say that both of those things are minimal. Things are going to happen, but it's a slow burn/process either way. Whatever happens won't be spur of the moment. **

**Thanks for the responses and, as always, thanks for reading! Things really start kicking off next chapter. **


	11. Cracks

**Chapter 11 is more of a PART 1 and PART 2. It was over 5000 words so I thought it better to split it up. **

* * *

"I'm home," Emily more groaned than announced when she had walked into the quiet condo. It had been a long day of working on cases, and the ever-present Reid situation. Emily had more or less kept up a confident facade at work, but she had felt like she was failing. All the so-called leads and ideas, bringing on Stephen Walker, all of that and they were no closer to a resolution. They were no closer to Scratch. It was after ten when Emily had trudged into the condo, and Ashley was already on the couch after having finished dinner, alone.

"You look really tired," Ashely replied in a tone that was neither sympathetic or concerned. It was simply an observation, and the older woman knew what that typically meant. The redhead was upset with her in some way.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ashley turned off the TV and dropped the remote unceremoniously on the coffee table. "There's nothing 'wrong' exactly. I'm concerned. You're running yourself ragged. I know you don't want to hear it…" _Then don't say it _Emily thought before Ashley went on, "But you need to leave it to Fiona. At a certain point there is only so much you all can do."

Emily grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruit sat on their counter and turned around to face Ashley. Emily chose to lean against the counter and quickly changed the subject, "I heard through the grapevine that you were given the chance to be a number two in a Critical Incident Respond Group. Congrats on that- it's a big deal."

"I'm not taking it."

Emily was perplexed by the finality in Ashley's voice. She wasn't even interested in thinking about it? It was a great opportunity. "Why not?"

"I'd never be home. I'd never see you."

"It'd be fine," Emily shrugged before she bit into the apple. It had become mushy. "We'd make it work."

"I'm happy on desk duty."

Emily couldn't help but laugh at the response. "You say every other day you're bored and you hate it."

Ashley rolled her eyes at the statement, "I've never said I hated it. I've said it's boring, but that doesn't mean I want a different job."

"So what does it mean then?" Emily questioned with a raised eyebrow. She hated when Ashley talked in code.

"It means that different people get their fulfillment from different things, Emmy. I thought the BAU would be my end all be all, and why wouldn't I? It was my entire life history, and I thought it would become my entire life, but it didn't. It didn't because I changed. And I am happier for it. I was happy in London focusing on family."

"Ash, you know this is how things are going to be. It's time-consuming. There's no way around it. You knew it would be like this when I said I was taking the job. You told me I should take it."

Ashley nodded along, "Yeah, I did. I told you to take it." She rubbed the back of her shoulder-blades, which were always irritated from being hunched over a computer at work. "I wasn't sure how I wanted to bridge this subject with you, but now is as good a time as any. Emmy, I know this is your life's work, and I'm _really _not wanting to get in the way of that. I'm happy to take a step back because I would rather focus on my family. I'd rather be home everyday so that I can give us a chance at a normal life- at a family- versus traveling all around the country barely seeing you. One of us leaves as soon as the other gets home? What kind of life is that? What kind of marriage is that? Look at how Will and JJ make it work."

Emily slightly inhaled and looked at the thumbnail poke marks she had nervously made on her apple. "What do you mean by 'normal life' then?"

"I'm turning 33."

It was the apprehension in Ashley's eyes and constant use of the word 'family' that had tipped Emily off. The redhead didn't even want them to have a cat- or a pet of any kind- and now she wanted a baby? "You said- years ago- you said didn't want that? You told me, before we got married, that it wasn't part of your plan."

"I thought I didn't want them, then," Ashley offered as she began to pick at her nails. It was a bad habit she had picked up from Emily. "I feel differently now. I've adjusted to the boring desk job. It's boring, yes, but it's a sacrifice I'd be willing to make…Emily you're a child specialist. Your whole life is about protecting children."

"I said-" Emily started with an edge to her voice. "-I told you I didn't think that it was part of my path anymore. That's why, _if_ I had wanted that, we probably wouldn't be together because you explicitly told me you didn't want children. That's not something you can compromise on, and I would never pressure you into that or hope for you to change. When I told you I was okay with that, I meant it. I meant when I said I didn't think it was part of my life anymore."

"But you also said if you had met a woman with kids it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I remember you telling me that 'years ago' too," Ashley reminded with air quotes to make her point. "Obviously, you're not completely opposed to the idea."

"Ashley," Emily groaned. She couldn't believe the other woman had such an about face. She had expected them to fight about work hours _again_, or really anything else beside that. "It's just not part of my life anymore. I thought I might want it, but then work happened instead. It just never happened, and by now I've made peace with that."

Ashley shook her head in disbelief. She didn't attempt to bite her tongue or curb her harsh tone. "I know for a fact that you light up every single time you see a picture of JJ or Morgan's kids. They're not even yours and you love them. I don't get why- you of all people- don't want kids, suddenly. I was the one with, I don't know…reservations. I thought you would be happy about this. We could do this and it would bridge that gap."

"What gap?"

Ashley laughed bitterly at the question and gestured to the space between her and the brunette, "That gap that has appeared out of nowhere the second we moved to D.C. That gap that separates your life over here, and mine over here. That's the gap I'm talking about."

"Ash," Emily said in a hushed tone. She moved to sit on the chair across from Ashley and reached out to the other woman, but Ashley brushed her hand away. "It's just growing pains. I- I don't want you to feel pressured to do something you never wanted because you think it will 'fix' things. There's nothing to fix."

"That's not why. I thought you would be happy about this? I see the way you are with kids- they're not even yours. I've seen the way you hold them and talk to them, never 'at' them…" Ashley trailed off. "I've changed. It wasn't something I thought I would want, but I've changed."

Emily's eyes darted around the room, any way to avoid eye contact with the other woman in front of her. "I don't want to start over."

"Emmy, we're always starting over. That's life. And you wouldn't have to do anything-"

"-It's not just the physical part, Ash. It has nothing to do with that, no child would have to be from me to be mine. It's just not something I want." She wasn't sure why she felt the need to repeat it, but she did anyway. "If you had them already I wouldn't-"

"Oh, so let's break up then and then when I come back with my kids already here you'll be fine with it?!" Ashley scoffed. She quickly jumped off the sofa to pace around the room. And just then- in the worst possible time- Emily's phone rang.

"I'm sorry," Emily said as she got up and jogged over to silence her phone.

"Let me guess, a case?"

"No," The brunette replied swiftly. She held her hands up in surrender in an attempt to try to stop the next fight she felt was about to start. "It's just Tara. It's about Reid-"

"-Oh, for fuck's sake Em-"

"-I asked her to call because he's been going through a tough time. He's a little upset with me-"

"He's upset with _you?_" Ashley laughed incredulously. She pulled at her hair and formed it into something like a ponytail. Without a hair tie the strands quickly fell as soon as she let go. "I'm so _sick _of this. We can't even have a fight without the BAU involved!"

Emily very quietly groaned at the escalation. "I didn't answer it." Stressed, she bit and licked her bottom lip, and waited to see if Ashley was going to lash out again before she continued on. "I worked a lot at Interpol, too."

Another scoff from Ashley, "This team- these people, there is no comparison. Absolutely no comparison. Our life has become about Spencer Reid and Stephen Walker and fucking Aaron Hotchner. He's not even here and our entire life is about Aaron Hotchner."

"Ashley," Emily had slightly grumbled. "It's complicated, and you're being a little unfair. Reid- Spencer is in prison. He's stuck in a literal prison. Hotch is in hiding because Jack is in danger. I know that-"

"-You care about everyone's families but ours," Ashley challenged with an eye roll.

Emily gave a tired shrug at the assessment. She understood what Ashley was talking about. The BAU did dominate their lives, and, ironically, all of Ashley's issues were the same issues that Haley had with Hotch. Ashley somehow thought having a baby would fix that, but if anything, Emily knew it would make it worse. When she had first taken the job, Emily thought the problem would be making Ashley move from London. She didn't think the BAU hours and demands would get to the younger woman because Ashley knew. She was in the BAU. She was in Swann's unit. She understood leaving at the drop of a hat, or paperwork until dawn if it was a difficult case. So why wasn't she being understanding now? Emily wondered if Ashley even knew her at all. Ashley didn't seem to get that Emily couldn't do the basics and go home. She had never been able to do that.

Emily Prentiss was professional. Emily Prentiss was composed, always. _However, _she wasn't a robot. Things still weighed on her. And how could her longtime friend, Spencer Reid, being locked up for murder not affect her? How could she go on with her day like nothing knowing Hotch was in hiding? Knowing that Jack was in danger _again_? This was just who she was. She couldn't turn it off. She had tried for Ashley. She had tried back in London after her undercover agent was killed. Ashley had noticed a shift in her behavior, but Emily had 'performed' well enough. She had pushed it down well enough. But this? She couldn't cover this up. Part of her wished that she could come home and just be herself. She wished she could go home and admit she was drained over the case, without Ashley just telling her to let it go and leave it to the lawyer. The worst part of it all was that Emily knew it wasn't as if Ashley was trying to make things harder. She had been offering comfort the only way she knew how. It just didn't help Emily.

"I'm just caught off guard," Emily finally replied. "You told me something entirely different. All this time I thought we were on the same page. Now you're trying to tell me what I want and-"

"-So I can't change my mind?"

"You can," Emily reassured. She was back to staring at their hardwood floors. God, she hated that apartment for some reason. She hated everything about it. "But it leaves us at an impasse. I can't give you certain things."

"You won't, you mean," Ashley bit back.

"Fine, won't," Emily quietly answered. "Is that _really_ what you want? Do you really want to want a child with someone who tells you they don't want them?"

"You would change."

Emily shook her head 'no' at the wager. Once again, she tried to reach out to put a comforting hand on Ashley's arm, but was rebuffed. "That's not fair to put on any of us."

"And what does that mean for me? What do you think I should do?" Ashley wasn't crying, but she had been shaking and was visibly upset. The night had gone about as badly as Emily could have ever imagined. This wasn't what she wanted. She never wanted to upset the other woman. But kids? It wasn't ever anything she had wanted them to do together. It was never in their plans. She had always thought they were just going to be able to carry on like they had been forever. Why couldn't things just stay the same? Some women did that. Garcia loved kids, but she didn't really want her own. It was possible. That was normal too. It was a valid choice...Maybe part of Emily did still want to be a mom, but not like this. Not born out of cracks and fights. She had grown up in that. She could never sentence another person to her childhood. "What do you think I should do then, Emily?" Ashley repeated the question in a more bitter tone.

"I can try to be home earlier," Emily offered over another mirthless laugh from Ashley. Emily was quieter when she said the next part, "I think you should think more about the promotion."

It was all Emily was able to get out before Ashley had retreated to their room and slammed the door behind her.

* * *

**Part 2 up soon. **


	12. I'm Here

**Here is part 2 **

* * *

They had been so good. They had been so professional, from that case in New York all through JJ's maternity leave and after she had returned. It was over. For over a year they had stuck to their boundaries. Even when Emily was beaten by Cyrus. Even when she was broken by Matthew's death. Even after the horror of the Canada pig farm case and Hotch's stabbing. Sure, there would be the occasional look, the occasional secret they would only let on to each other, but nothing further. For over a year they had carried on like that.

It had all changed after the blackout case in Los Angeles.

Actually, it had started months prior. It had started on the vampire rockstar case in Los Angeles, where that time it was JJ with the head injury and in danger. It had shaken Emily more than she would have liked to admit. Normally the situations were reversed. She had found that much easier to cope with versus when it was JJ. Then, Haley had died and all Emily thought of was the blonde. Like Hotch, Emily also had a past. There was someone out there who would give just about anything to have the chance to take somebody she loved away from her. However, luckily, unlike Hotch, it wasn't as if Emily had anyone to take away to begin with, not anymore anyway. It was that painful truth that had made Emily keep a watchful eye on the blonde during their suicide case in Wyoming, careful not to cross any imaginary boundaries because it wasn't her place to comfort JJ anymore. It was Will's.

It had been building by the time of the blackout case in Los Angeles. It had been building, and that was how Emily found herself standing a little uncertain in the doorway of the office JJ had been using.

"Hey you," JJ whispered pointing to the phone she was holding between her ear and shoulder. She had been trying to have a couple sips of coffee, completely fed up with being stuck on hold for hours. How long was it supposed to take to get approval to use a _local _emergency alert? She was distracted, but had still picked up on Emily's strange demeanor immediately. "What's up?"

Emily Prentiss was probably the most focused Agent- aside from Hotch- on the entire team. She was nothing if not professional. No matter what happened, no matter the danger, she had never let her feelings for the younger woman cloud her judgement. She had always been able to shut that part of her off on cases. She would be 'Agent Prentiss' on cases, and the philosophical 'Emily Prentiss' afterward when she tried to process the fallout. So why had she found herself standing, fidgeting in front of the other woman, desperately wanting to ask her to stay at the precinct for the rest of the case? She had been concerned about Morgan- she was always concerned when members of the team were in danger. They all cared about each other, and they had all worried a little when they knew their fellow team members were in danger. But this had been different. Emily had just finished interviewing Kristin Spicer. She had seen what the unsub had done to her. She knew what he was capable of, and she had seen how- while the Spicers were always the target- the unsub was happy to kill indiscriminately too. All it had taken was one look. One look at JJ's irresistible, flustered face, and Emily had felt so overcome with pure emotion- that deep love that never went away- that she had come the closest she ever had to ask the question she had no right to: to ask JJ sit the rest of the case out.

"Em?" JJ had asked again with a raised eyebrow.

"Just…good luck with that," Emily swallowed and nodded over to the phone JJ had been holding.

JJ had known it wasn't what the other woman had wanted from her, but she let it go anyway. She knew exactly why Emily had just stood there staring at her, trying to work out if she should say it. She had recognized the look in the brunette's eyes. It was the same expression she had worn at Haley's funeral, every time she would take a peek over at JJ.

"Thanks, Em," Was all JJ offered back, with a smile that was meant to assure the other woman. She was okay.

Neither of them spoke of Emily's odd behavior on the plane ride home. JJ had sat in the back, frequently peering to watch Emily, who was as close to the window as humanly possible, her dark eyes focused on Morgan the entire way home.

It was in a barely audible voice that JJ had asked Emily in the airfield parking lot if she wanted to have a drink. The brunette had checked her watch and told JJ to follow her home. It was three in the morning, and all their old haunts had already closed. It might have been a sign that JJ should go home to her family, but if it was a sign it was one she had ignored. And that was how they found themselves sitting on the floor, under the big picture window of Emily's new apartment.

"I'm an FBI agent, same as you." Emily had merely nodded at JJ's tender reprimand. The fact was that it felt different than all the times Will had told her she should stay out of the field. With Will it had always felt like he just didn't believe she could handle it, but with Emily? Well, with Emily it looked like it was because Emily didn't think _Emily _could handle it.

It was a few quiet words from Emily that had finally cut through the relative silence of sloshing liquid and clinking ice cubes. "I was proud of you- during the call."

It was that tiny comment that had drawn JJ to shift closer to the other woman. It was that reassurance, along with the earlier acknowledgment of how much Emily still loved her, that had driven JJ to pull the other woman into a tender kiss, before moving on to kiss at her neck. In doing so, she whispered over and over again, "I'm okay. I'm okay."

It was that unsaid confirmation of love that had caused JJ to let Emily unbuckle her pants, while the two fumbled towards Emily's bedroom. It was that simple fact that had motivated JJ to spend the rest of the night's hours letting the brunette run her hands all over her body, and vice versa. It was the very idea that no matter what happened, no matter how much time…It was those ideas that had pushed JJ to kiss and caress ever inch of porcelain skin on Emily's body, desperately trying to earn another moan, another groan, another 'oh god' from the other woman.

It was all so perfect, until it wasn't.

It had been just them until the sun rose and illuminated the citrine ring thrown on the floor in a pile of JJ's clothes. The ring that Emily, in a rare unguarded moment, had somberly rolled her eyes at when she had first seen JJ present it to the group. The two just lied there, wrapped in Emily's sheets, in complete silence. The repercussions of what they had done had just begun to hit them.

Emily's bedroom was completely silent, but JJ's raw voice was still barely discernible. "I don't think I can still be doing this. I love you so much, but I can't be doing this."

Emily's only response had been in the form of a swallow. She counted the strokes that JJ's fingertips had made up and down her ribcage, and waited until the number hit twelve to answer. "I know."

"You told me to go after him."

"I know," Emily strangled out again. And then she asked it in the quietest voice possible, "Did it hurt you? When I told you that?"

JJ's fingers didn't stop moving. They continued on in their same pattern, even as the blonde slightly sighed and admitted the truth, "Yes. It felt like a rejection…I guess that's exactly what it was, though."

They had spent the next few minutes completely still before JJ had removed herself from Emily's body. JJ decided not to freak out about her mistake. She didn't bring up Will's name. She didn't bother to try to fault Emily or shift blame off herself. She knew the other woman would gladly take it- the blame. She knew that Emily would gladly take any pain and add it to her own, but JJ felt that it was only right that she alone lived with the guilt. As she had walked wordlessly to the front door, JJ had decided no matter how hard, no matter how bad it made her feel, she wouldn't burden the other woman with her guilt. She wouldn't abandon Emily and take away her friendship, even if it made her feel shameful and unforgivable because she had cheated on her child's father and stayed in contact with the woman. No, she would find a way to live with it, and then one day- if she was ever given the chance- she promised herself she would make it up to Will. If she was ever separated from Emily, she would give her all to Will.

That chance was given to her earlier than expected. When JJ transferred to State, _she transferred to State_. She didn't keep in touch with Emily. She cut off all contact and devoted her life to her new assignment, and her still-new family. Emails, texts and phone calls all went unanswered, until, quicker than JJ would have expected, they just stopped coming. Perhaps, they had both known when Emily had said it: _You're too good; that's the problem. _It wasn't just the words, but the tears that Emily had allowed to cloud her eyes. It was goodbye.

By the time JJ had made her way back to the other woman, she was cut off from the intimate truths they had once shared.

* * *

Ever since she had become unit chief, Emily Prentiss had quickly realized that having an office wasn't exactly a sanctuary. No, if anything Hotch's old office was target. It gave everyone, and Emily meant _everyone_, her exact location on most given days. Everyone always wanted something from her. There were just so many more politics at play in D.C. than there were in London, at least in her experience. Emily hated politics. So she would sneak out. It was always evening, always the same short concrete wall near the walkway behind the large building that housed the BAU.

Emily was sitting outside, trying to decompress in the evening's disappearing dusk. Sometimes she just needed the silence. She dreaded the sound of footsteps moving closer to her, that was until she looked up and saw they belonged to JJ. Of course the blonde was the only one who had ever found her out there.

"Hey you, so this is where our unit chief goes to hide?" JJ teased when she she sat next to the brunette. The sun had just been ready to go down. "You know, Hotch always chose to hide in the bathroom, himself."

Emily just laughed in response. "It's been a long day." She continued to stare into the distance before letting out a genuine chuckle, "So, why did you go all Daniel Boone, American tracker on me? I'm not giving you any vacation time. You're stuck with me."

Then it was JJ's turn to laugh before she got serious again, "Seaver called. Called the front and then me. Wanted to know when you would be home." The moment was decidedly less painless than JJ had expected after she heard a groan from Emily.

"How did you get Will to stop calling you at work?"

JJ smirked at the question, "Never gave him my number."

Emily bursted into laughter at the response, "Might be too late for that."

"Seriously though, just takes time, I guess. Time for them to get used to the hours. Though with Ashley…"

"You would think she would be used to the hours."

"Yeah, doesn't bode well for you there, Prentiss," JJ teased with another playful bump.

The sun had finally set, and the back of the building was completely silent aside from the melody of noises coming from the crickets hidden in the grass. It was funny how the noise would be so obnoxious in the daylight, but so beautiful at night. "I think I just needed a minute- a break. I'm happy to be back, don't get me wrong," Emily let out a deep breath before she had confessed it, "I didn't think it would still be hard when I came back." The reason _why _it was hard was left unsaid, but JJ knew what Emily meant immediately.

"Well, I, for one, have found it to be extremely easy," JJ teased, which elicited a laugh from the other woman. "My favorite part is how all our friends- who pretended to never notice anything over the past ten years- I love how they keep asking me how I'm doing. Even Reid asked me, while in prison."

"How pathetic," Emily bantered back. It was then that Emily had cleared her throat, dropped her voice down again, and revealed her real concerns to JJ. "I wish he had taken it- the deal. At least until we had something."

"It wouldn't make any difference."

"You're probably right about that."

JJ crossed her arms and looked up toward the other woman. Then, she asked the question she had already known the answer to: "Would you have taken it? The deal, I mean."

Emily sharply inhaled at the question, pretending to mull it over. "No, I wouldn't have…It's different with me."

"How so?"

"It's just easier when it's me."

JJ couldn't help but chuckle at the assessment, "Says who?"

"Me," Emily answered with a slight smirk. "I don't know. With me it's just easier because it's me. I know I can handle it. At least I'm not helpless."

"Even if you're helpless?" Emily just nodded in response at the question. "Well...just to put it out there, it's not easier for the rest of us. It's not easier for me when it's you…You know, you're going to get him, Em. You're going to get him. You always do. I believe in you. Spence does too," JJ gently nudged the other woman with her elbow.

"Someday, I will. The problem is, I can't promise when someday is."

JJ nodded at the comment. She had completely understood why Reid had refused to take the deal. He was innocent, but she also understood the added pressure it had put on Emily. JJ had understood some of the pressure had even come from her. And the BAU had been failing. With every step forward it felt like there was something that had dragged them back down. Scratch just had more time to be better. "I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

JJ scoffed at the question, "For being you. For staying 'you' all through this, no matter what's thrown at you. You've been- you've been amazing, Em. You haven't let it destroy us. You've kept us going. It reminds me of way back when you were the only one who could get through to him when it was the drugs. You're getting him through this one too. We were all ready to crumble and wash away, but you grounded us. You grounded me. Somehow, someway I'll never understand, you're always the best version of yourself in the worst circumstances." Once again, a nod was all JJ got in return.

"We've lost a lot of good friends recently."

"I know," JJ barely whispered back. "I'm worried about him too."

"You were my only friend when I came to the BAU. No one wanted me there but you...That was when you stopped hating me."

JJ was taken aback by the deadpan statement, and couldn't help but laugh. "I never hated you."

"You hated me."

"I wasn't sure I trusted you, at first." Emily just smiled at the remark. It was true- Garcia had trusted her first, but JJ had been her friend first. "I was curious about you. I was cautious, but still curious. You weren't like anyone I had ever met before. And, yeah, the rest of team- aside from Spence- they wanted you, but they just didn't know it yet. So, they weren't super thrilled..." It was the gentle way the younger woman had put it that had made Emily laugh again. She always laughed so much with JJ. "I was cautiously curious, but I didn't want to seem like a creep."

"So you were trying to lie to me then?"

JJ playfully elbowed the other woman in the side at the question. "Ha, ha, ha...I was less cautious after Hankel. You were the only one who was nice to me on that case. Not anything negative about the team, but you were just, you. Even after, you know..."

"You almost shot me?"

JJ couldn't help but let out a snort before she defended herself, "I never almost shot you. I barely pulled my gun."

"Mhmm-"

"-I thought you were a dog!"

"That's what they all say," Emily grinned before she shared a look with the blonde. The crickets again took over the void of noise left by the two women's silence. Few more seconds passed before Emily had said it. It was so low each word had to compete with the crickets to be made out, but JJ had still heard it. "I miss you."

JJ could barely get it out over the tears that had begun to form in the corner of her eyes, "I'm here."

There was another round of silence before JJ spoke again. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you before. I- I was angry with you after Doyle. I couldn't tell you because you were so fragile. You never would've admitted it, but I knew. I knew what you had gone through. I was afraid one negative word would break you, and I had never felt that way before. I should've been better for you. I was just so scared...After Paris, Reid and Derek and Garcia had all come to me. Derek told me. He told me about you telling him to let you go. I didn't know what to do with that. And then you came back, and Spence was being Spence, and everyone seemed to take and take from you. I would look at you and I would think: there's nothing left. I couldn't do that to you. I was already living with so much guilt, I couldn't lose you too…I don't know what I thought. I knew you wouldn't do anything to yourself, but I was scared that maybe you would be more reckless with your life, because you just didn't care about the outcome...I should've been the one who was there for you- who told you everything would be 'okay' even when I wasn't sure it would."

"It's okay."

"It wasn't," JJ replied firmly and inhaled sharply. "It wasn't okay."

They had both continued to just sit together in the dark silence, neither feeling the need to fill it. They both felt comfortable in it. To a certain degree, they had, more often than not, always felt comfortable together.

Neither woman had wanted to be the one to get up first, but in the end it was Emily who did. The brunette got up and just looked at the other woman. She wordlessly placed her palm on the other woman's knee intending for a quick pat, but she lingered. She gave the blonde a few moments of her touch before she removed her hand and headed home to Ashley Seaver.

* * *

**The end…kidding. **

**We're moving into season 13 timeline-wise, so if you remember the show you might know where were are going next. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. **


	13. Call It

Emily had been in the corner, leaning against the elevator's back railing when she had seen it. The 'it' in question was a slim arm that had been haphazardly stuck in the closing doors. A small smile made its way on to her face, and the sight amused her for two reasons. First of which was because she was sure that arm belonged to JJ. Second, because she knew that one of the blonde's irrational fears was being crushed between elevator doors. "I thought you weren't coming?" Emily had asked in a fatigued voice.

"Just in case Hotch shows up," JJ had replied before she began pressing the 'Ground Floor' button over and over again to get the door to close. Just because she had barely slipped into Emily's elevator didn't mean she wanted anyone else to.

"So...you show up for Hotch, but not me?"

"Mhmm," JJ answered before she turned around to face the brunette, a touch of a smile on her face.

Emily raised an eyebrow at the other woman and gave her the 'Agent Prentiss' voice, "Do you have a crush on him, too?"

"More like, still."

The comment had made Emily laugh. "You know what? I'd give you the finger if I wasn't so comfortable," She added, using her head to motion to her crossed arms.

JJ's smile quickly dissipated when she remembered it. The look of, well Hotch always looked the same, but the atmosphere of sadness and embarrassment that had just occurred after Hotch had been served divorce papers at work. Sure, it was probably the best place to find the man, but JJ felt it was out of bounds. Doing something like that in front of his coworkers? Subordinates even? It had aggravated the younger woman. JJ had always liked Haley, but she found herself liking the woman a little less after that. "She's a piece of work," JJ revealed bitterly.

"Who?"

"Haley." Her voice wasn't as bitter at the clarification. Maybe it was because as soon as JJ had said it, she realized that as much as she loved and was loyal to Hotch, he probably wasn't the best partner. Maybe he was different around Haley- hopefully he was- but JJ couldn't imagine being with Emily and the other woman not ever smiling at her. She couldn't imagine Emily not making her laugh, not feeling enveloped in warmth around her. She couldn't imagine a life so...sterile. So, maybe part of JJ did understand why Haley did what she did, but that didn't mean JJ had to like it.

Emily, meanwhile, had just chuckled. "It's more complicated than that. You know that."

"I know…But she just left him."

Emily nodded along. "Yeah, she did. He's never home- we all aren't."

"What do you mean?"

Emily let out a sigh at the question, "Maybe Hotch left her a while ago, too. I don't know. It's complicated. Relationships are hard. I feel for them both…" The brunette trailed off and stared at the elevator's gray linoleum. She spoke again in an even quieter and more thoughtful voice, "It's hard to see things. It's hard to be exposed to the real world, and you have to censor that from the person you love."

"That's why we work."

JJ had been confident in that assessment. Her voice had been forceful. And still, all those years later, she would pore over that conversation. Because Emily hadn't agreed with her. Emily hadn't stepped forward to give her a hug or whisper confirmations that they were different in her ear. She had just stood there, silently. And then the elevator had just let them out.

Hospitals- hospitals always reminded JJ of that conversation. Hospitals reminded her of that talk because hospitals reminded her of Emily nearly dying. Emily nearly dying reminded JJ of Doyle. And Doyle had always reminded her of that elevator talk. _You have to censor that from the person you love. _

The words replayed in her head over and over again as she sat in the hospital bed after the Scratch ambush. It was one of the few times that JJ was genuinely glad that Will was there with her. _It's not the first time she's been missing or has been in the grips of an unsub. She'll be okay. Em promised. She said she would always be there. _JJ played the sentences on repeat in her mind. This time was different for her though, because JJ didn't have Hotch or Morgan to lean on or ground her any longer. Garcia was in the wind working the case. Spence was too. Rossi was getting medical attention. Alvez and Tara were around somewhere, but running to a battered Tara wasn't the same as running to Hotch. Collapsing in front of Alvez, a man who had no idea of her and Emily's history, wasn't going to be the same as Derek. Emily was right. They had lost some good friends.

It was that realization that had prompted JJ to wonder if it was finally time to 'call it.' Stephen was dead and Emily was missing- not for the first time and probably not for the last. JJ wasn't sure how much of this she could witness. She wasn't sure she could keep standing by and keep witnessing Emily in danger. But all that considered, as soon as she had said it: _So is it time to call it?_ She wanted to take it back.

She was quick to clarify that it would be only after Emily was found, but even then she regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. The only thing worse than being around to see Emily beat and battered, endangered and reemergent, the only thing worse than that would be not being there. When Will went on about her becoming a 'full-time mom' and him a fry cook, JJ was never more sure of anything in her life. If Emily had said those exact words to her she would question them, but she would at least sit with them. It would be a 'decision.' No matter how ridiculous it would sound- Emily could barely cook an egg- it would be a worthy discussion, solely because it came from Emily.

Anything Emily would ask her to do she would do. Anything Emily Prentiss wanted, if they were together, well, JJ was pretty sure she would be happy. She looked into Will's eyes and they didn't swirl or emote the way Emily's did. She stared at the man who admitted himself that their dream for each other was unrealistic because they could never be happy, and she wondered how happy she _really_ was right then. She was left staring at the empty space Will had just vacated. While she was deep in thought, he had mumbled that he was ducking into her hospital room to send a text to their baby-sitter. That space alone left her time to question herself. In that moment right then, would she rather be worriedly pacing with Emily or Will? If there was one person she would rather brood with, one person she would run away with, who would it be? She took everything else out of the question, every fucking mitigating factor she had once let guide her before and she asked herself: _From now until the end of the time, who is the one person who is 'it' for you. Emily or Will? Who is 'it'? _

Her thoughts were interrupted by a "Where the fuck is Emily Prentiss?" that came from none other than Ashley Seaver.

* * *

Since their "promotion" talk a few weeks prior, things had been extremely strained between Emily and Ashley. Ashley had been extremely frustrated for weeks, but she hadn't felt the need to rip the other woman's head off until right then. And that was how she found herself there, standing in a hospital, yelling out looking for the brunette woman. It wasn't just that she was upset with Emily- which she was- but she genuinely couldn't believe the other woman wouldn't warn her that she was in danger. This was just so typical of Emily. She was so full of secrets, so withholding. She never told Ashley anything, and the redhead was sick of it.

"Ashley?" JJ had asked in a much more neutral tone than the redhead. Will had popped out of the hospital room at the commotion, and after she fixed the bandage on her head, JJ tried to think of a way to pull the younger woman from the hallway into her room to calm down. "Ashley-"

The redhead was completely frazzled and grateful to see someone familiar. "-JJ, thank god someone normal who will get it. I _need_ to talk to Emily right now. Like, immediately. I'm not playing around with this shit anymore. "

JJ stayed even and tried to calm the situation with an easy tone, "What's going on?"

"That's exactly what I'm here to ask. Jennifer, please, I understand she's your boss and friend and you're bandaged? But she's my _wife_. I need to talk to her right now."

"Okay, well, I'm sorry but I can't...Emily is just not here right now. So is there anything I can help you with?"

Ashley laughed incredulously. She couldn't believe this, "Let me see, oh, can you tell me why the fuck I got a call from an agent I used to work with in Swann's unit about Agent Walker dying and a protective detail being put on me? And why the in the ever-loving fuck didn't Emily tell me that, I don't know, my life was apparently in some sort of grave danger?! I may not be in the BAU anymore, but I sure as hell still have some FBI contacts. I'm not completely in the dark, despite what she may want."

"All right," JJ nodded. She truly hated Rossi in that moment. She hadn't made any of these calls and now she was stuck trying to calm down Ashley Seaver of all people. "Emily didn't make that decision. David Rossi did."

"Rossi?" Ashley furrowed her brow at name. Rossi wasn't supposed to be in charge of anything, unless- "Where is she?"

JJ looked over to Will who was still hanging a few feet back, "Can you excuse us?"

"Who he is?"

"My husband, Will."

Ashley laughed with an eye roll, "You have got to be kidding me. Even he knows?!" Ashley couldn't believe this whole situation was being handled so cavalierly. She had a protective detail on her, an agent was dead, Rossi was inexplicably in charge, and she was in the middle of a hospital yelling for Emily, who just so happened to be refusing all of her calls, "Is it often you just bring along spouses on cases?"

She hadn't wanted to say anything because she thought she would look jealous, but JJ wished the whole team was around to witness what she had felt all along. Ashley Seaver, could, at times, be kind of a dick.

"Emily is…" It was JJ's tone that gave it away immediately.

"Say it," Ashley ordered, her voice already trembling. "I want you say it. I want you to tell me exactly what is going on."

Having already seen what Scratch had done to the team, done to the other victims, it broke JJ a little- a lot- inside to say it. "Emily is missing."

"Fuck-"

"Ashley, if you could please-"

"-What the fuck is wrong with all of you? Why didn't any of you have the decency to call and tell me my wife is missing? What the fuck is going on? Why are you all standing around the hospital when you should be out there looking for her?!"

"We're just using this as a base," JJ defended. Her tone was somehow more calm than Seaver's. She knew, for Emily's sake, she had to stay levelheaded. No matter her personal distractions, JJ had to stay focused. She had to stay in it. She had to find Emily. She didn't have the luxury of breaking down. "Rossi is injured and we're coordinating out of here."

"Jesus fucking christ- who put Rossi in charge in his state?" Ashley laughed bitterly at the silence she received in response, "Right. Of course, he did. So the op to find the unit chief is being led by a man in the hospital, with no outside support, while her team stands around like a bunch of idiots. And you know what? If Emily does get to walk away from this- in spite of your fucking incompetence- the way this is being handled is going to be put on her! You keep that in mind!"

JJ swallowed painfully. She tried to keep her nerve in the white, somewhat dingy hospital hallway. The florescent lights above perfectly illuminated Ashley's worried face. JJ could make out each patch of red on Ashley's face, as well as the sheen over her eyes, "Ashley, we are doing the best we can. I know you're upset, but look at this like an agent-"

"- I am," Ashley shot back bitterly. She wasn't going to be lectured about agency policies from a fucking promotable media liaison. "I am also looking at this as someone who has seen her agonizing over Reid for the past few weeks, running herself into the ground. And I know if the situation were reversed, and it was the 'baby boy' genius Spencer Reid missing, or Derek Morgan, or you, Emily sure as hell wouldn't be standing around waiting for information. The whole team would be panicking and she would be out there looking for you. You just- you all just think 'Oh, she's Emily. She can deal with it. She can handle it.' Reid is fragile. I know that, but I would like if you, for once, felt as rushed and desperate to find her instead of just pretending to be." On that note, Ashley stomped off to wait far away from the blonde, and Will peaked out of the room he had retreated to, to see his wife frozen in the hospital hallway.

"That woman is scary," He chuckled in a Southern drawl. He attempted to get closer to JJ to wrap his arms around her, but instead she moved to the other wall of the hallway to face him.

"Yeah."

"I get it," He tried to sympathize. He felt bad that JJ had just been ripped to shreds by the younger woman, but he did understand where Ashley was coming from. "Jennifer, she's just a worried spouse. I'd be the same way with you."

JJ chose to ignore his remarks, "She's furious with me. She doesn't think we're doing a good enough job trying to find Emily."

"Well are ya?"

JJ just shook her head at the question and replied, "No. We need Emily to find Emily," before she walked off to find Tara and Alvez.

* * *

It had been a relief, getting the call from Reid that Emily was okay. Then again, it felt like less of a relief than it normally was because Ashley's phone was busy, and JJ was the one who was given the responsibility to tell her Emily was okay and en route to the hospital for a check up and observation. It had felt like even less of a relief after the nurse alerted everyone in the waiting room that Emily was okay and could have a visitor, and it was Ashley Seaver who stood up to see the brunette first. And it was her right. In those circumstances there was a 'family first' policy, and JJ was just a friend.

She had missed when she was the one who could rush into Emily's room, before there was protocol. She remembered waiting and waiting for Emily to wake up after being transferred to Walter Reed from Boston. She remembered the pain of having nothing but hope, hope that the woman would wake up again. She remembered the unfamiliar sight of seeing Emily so weak, so pale, all the blood drained from her. She remembered how she thought that holding Emily's hand might have been more comforting to her than Emily. She remembered how impossibly soft Emily's hands were. She remembered how they were even softer than she had remembered. She remembered how she couldn't help but compare them to Will's rough and cracked hands, where you could feel every crease of skin. She had tried to buy him moisturizer, but he had never used it. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. She remembered the torture of _waiting, _and how lucky she was to have that torture. She remembered the sadness in those dark eyes a few hours after Emily had woken up the second time, when Emily was really aware of all that had happened. She remembered the way Emily tentatively asked her if she was a monster for what she did to Doyle- making him fall for her even though she never reciprocated- and JJ remembered how that time she had been the one to remind Emily she had just done her job.

She remembered how Emily had teared up after saying she had sent Tsia off to her death. She remembered she smallest of tears she had wiped away from Emily's cheek when she had reassured the older woman that it was, in fact, Jeremy who had sentenced Tsia to death, not Emily. Most of all, she remembered the pure bliss of the moment when Emily had first opened her eyes. She remembered the elation when that dopey, unguarded, drugged smile made its way on to Emily's face because she had seen the blonde. She remembered the greeting she had told Emily, the two words that had become their standard and reserved for them only.

_Hey you. _

_JJ...you're here. _

_I'm here. Hotch said you were in trouble. I had to come. I'll always come. _

_He didn't know. He thought he had everyone...He never knew. _

_Em, I'm okay. I'm safe. _

_...You're safe. _

_I am. _

_I'm sorry- I didn't say goodbye. _

_Never- I mean it, Em- you can never say 'goodbye' to me._

* * *

By the time Garcia was able to make it to the hospital, JJ had been sitting all alone in the corner of the waiting room, just waiting, for what felt like hours. She was the farthest from the rest of the bruised-up team. Will had thankfully gone home to check on the boys. And while Reid had sat by JJ at first, he could tell from a piece of scrap paper the blonde had ripped up into halfs, quarters, eighths, and so on, that she was really nervous. So he didn't take any offense when she wordlessly got up to go hide in the corner. If Alvez didn't think there was something off about Emily and JJ before, he was pretty sure of it then.

The blonde technical analyst sat down next to JJ, poking her in the ribs to get her to look up, "You still waiting to see her?"

"Yeah, Ashley is still in there," JJ quietly replied.

"Sorry about your night. Heard it was _quite_ rough," Garcia hinted and nodded toward the hallway behind the nurses' station that led to the various hospital rooms. "I heard Seaver ripped you a new one."

JJ couldn't help but sadly laugh at the very correct assessment, "Who told you that?"

Garcia cringed at the question, "I heard some nurses talking about it."

"Were they at least on my side?"

Garcia chose not to answer the question, and JJ was content not to press any farther. It was obvious they were not on her side. It took another ten minutes before Ashley had come out and slowly trudged towards the two blondes sitting in the back of the hospital waiting room. Since things were finally settled, she had felt bad about her earlier interaction with the blonde profiler. She didn't regret what she said, exactly. She felt she was right. She felt she was being accurate, but the manner in which she had handled it was less than perfect. And Emily wouldn't have wanted that. Ashley knew Emily would be mortified to learn how she had treated JJ.

"So…" Ashley began after she had made it to where the two older women were seated. She was awkwardly alternating putting her weight on either foot, "I just want to say-"

"-Honestly, we don't have to get into it," JJ offered, which all three women were enterally grateful for.

"Thank you," Seaver replied in a hushed voice before looking back at her phone, "I have to go in for a couple hours. I know she's okay, but I didn't want to leave her drugged-"

"JJ can stay with her!" Garcia had exclaimed a little too excitedly.

"You sure?" Ashley asked JJ directly with a raised eyebrow. She figured that JJ would be glad to finally get the chance to see her longtime friend was okay, but it was the huge grin from the blonde that stuck in Ashley's head. Actually no, it wasn't the grin, but rather the way JJ seemed to immediately try to hide it and cover it up as soon as it happened. She told herself JJ just wanted to see Emily one more time. It had been scary. Emily hadn't been in danger like that since Doyle. It was O.K. the blonde needed to see her again. It didn't mean anything. Ashley told herself that over and over again as she snuck through another waiting room to get to Emily's hallway, careful to avoid the BAU. She told herself it was to check on Emily one more time before leaving, but if she was honest with herself it was about something else. It was about that grin that stuck in her head. That huge, stupid grin that JJ was so quick to try to conceal. There was something about it that had taken her back to the hallway of Emily's room. There was something about it that impelled her to peak through the glass cutout in the hospital room door. There was something about it that made her wait, peering, until she noticed JJ move forward and hover over Emily's face. Then the blonde gently ran her fingers over the cheek Ashley knew was bruised.

There was nothing wrong. There was not a single thing questionable, betraying, or sexual about it. It was just a few fingers on a bruised cheekbone, but it was intimate in a way that made Ashley immediately feel uncomfortable. There was just something about those two. If it had been anyone else, Ashley wouldn't have even thought twice about it. But it was JJ, and it made her breath hitch.

* * *

**Predictions? **

**I've finished writing this story and am just editing right now (so don't worry it will be finished with no long breaks in updating), but I'm trying to figure out my next project. I****'m thinking of something more case/criminal related next. So if any of you have any ideas you'd like to see done, let me know in the comments. If you have a very specific idea go ahead and PM me instead. That way if I do it there are no spoilers for anyone else. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. **


	14. I Called It

**It's Criminal Minds Wednesday, probably double update night. **

**I've been working on this story for a while now and am kinda ready to move on. So there will be some rapid updates until the end, editing permitting of course. **

* * *

It wasn't exactly a surprise. The old saying 'the truth always comes out' doesn't always prove to be true. Some people do get away with things. Some people were just lucky. Emily Prentiss was not one of those people. Emily Prentiss may have been born into a family of privilege and prestige, but she had to work for everything she had. She was never lucky. Things never quite worked out for her. Sure, she had told the team- and Ashley- things were going to be fine. She had assured JJ that the whole matter would be taken care of quickly, but she knew the minute Reid was arrested that she was going to pay the price. She had always hated politics. She had always stayed away from them, and that was because she knew she was the one who was going to end up being the fallout. Unless she had gone to State, and used the contacts of another Prentiss who _was_ lucky, she was always going to be the fall woman. So when she found out she was indefinitely suspended, well, it just all added up.

Emily left her hand on the apartment's door's handle for a few seconds before she could get up the nerve to go inside. It wasn't that Ashley was awful, and she felt guilty for wanting to avoid the other woman, but Ashley didn't really make Emily feel comforted. She made Emily feel wanted. She made Emily feel 'coupled,' but Emily didn't find solace in Ashley Seaver. There wasn't really a reason why, and Emily couldn't blame Ashley for playing any role in the way she felt. She just felt that way.

"Hey Emmy," Ashley lazily greeted from her usual spot on the sofa. It was late. Emily had left the BAU a couple of hours earlier, but had opted to spend the time driving around and, when that grew tiresome, parking and walking. Somehow, she had found herself at her old apartment building, the one with the big window overlooking the capitol and the clawfoot tub. "You're home late."

"Yeah."

"Normally, I would be a lit-tle irritated. Just a little," Ashley held her thumb and index finger up to measure out a small distance. Her expression quickly changed to one of positivity and she asked hopefully, "But I assume that working late means catching up on work?" Emily just shook her head 'no.' "What happened?"

"Suspended, indefinitely."

Ashley quickly moved to turn off the TV. "Oh, Emmy, what happened? How could this have happened?"

Emily just shook her head and walked over to pour herself a glass of wine, "She- Barnes- wanted me to sell out Reid and Rossi."

"For what?"

"Just, I don't know, she just wants them gone," Emily replied while Ashley tried to read her back for any signs of distress. There wasn't much to pick up on, except disappointment and maybe exhaustion.

"What did they say?"

"Barnes?"

Ashley had gotten up and walked over to the kitchen area, "No, Reid and Rossi. Did you talk to them?"

"About what?"

Ashley was glad that she was out of Emily's sight because she couldn't help but roll her eyes. Sure, Emily wasn't always the biggest talker in the world when it came to difficult subjects, but this was next level. "Did you tell them the Assistant Director wanted them to step back?"

"She wants them to resign."

"Okay, but have you talked to them about it?"

"I don't get what you're hinting at." It was a lie. Emily knew what Ashley meant, and maybe from the outside it would make sense, but Emily couldn't do that. The truth was that, bottomline, Emily wanted to be back. She loved being back with the BAU. She had missed being in D.C., but she had made the decision based on what was best for the team. That was what she had promised to do for Hotch. She couldn't go back on it just because it may have been what she wanted. She wasn't that kind of a person. "They can't lose the BAU. Reid especially, it's all he has now."

"Emily stop, don't you hear yourself? If an agent needs the job that bad- if it's their entire life- that's not healthy."

"It's more complicated than that, and you know it."

Ashley slowly shook her head back and forth at the statement, "You're not being objective."

"Ashley-"

"He's been through a lot, Emily. You have said so yourself. I know there were some problems on cases before the I got to the BAU, and I sure as hell know there were issues since I left. And I fucking get it, it's not his fault. He's lost a girlfriend. He's been arrested. For fuck's sake, Emily, he went to jail. Do I think the assistant director is a giant, gaping asshole? Yes, but Reid being encouraged to move in a new direction isn't a terrible thing, even if it's by the Bureau. And maybe he would be open to it, especially if it could have saved your job."

"He's saved my life," Emily replied bitterly.

"And you've saved his," Ashley reminded and walked closer to Emily. "And Rossi? I know Rossi. He would be okay, and he would be more than okay to do this for you. You're being railroaded. You've thrown our entire life into chaos for this job. We have given up _everything_. This past year and a half has been hell, and I don't think it's a shock for me to tell you I'm not happy. I'm not, and it was worth it at least because you were doing something you loved. But now? You're so willing to walk away from it like this? What has this past year been for, then? You're walking away from your dream job for what might be for the best anyway!"

"You don't know them like I do. You don't get the loyalty-"

"-No, I don't. Because I'm only loyal to you," Ashley bit back. "I always put you first. God forbid somebody do that."

Ashley was about to walk away when Emily reached out to grab her wrist. It had felt like time stood still, and all the moments of JJ had popped into her head so that it became a challenge to get it out. It would be hard to walk away, but she was married. She married the woman in front of her, and that had to mean something. "Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. You're not happy. You were happy in London."

"I was happier in London."

Her voice tightened when she suggested it. It wasn't what she wanted, but maybe it would be easier. "We could go back. I could transfer back to Interpol or go into consulting. You-"

"I could transfer," Ashley nodded with sigh. "We can go anywhere, Em. We can go anywhere but here. We can go and just have a normal life again."

"Yeah."

Ashley moved to pin a lock of hair behind Emily's ear and gently rubbed her cheek, "Maybe it's better this way. Maybe we can revisit other conversations, away from here. We could have another change again. Things were so good when they were just us. Now it's become us and the team. I'm always competing, and I don't always win."

"I know."

"I don't think it's even half," Ashley sighed. If she could have taken a step back right then. If she could have looked at the two of them from the outside, maybe then she could've seen it. Maybe then she could have seen the stiffness of Emily's body, the obvious cues Emily didn't want this. But she couldn't. "I hope I've been understanding, but I'm sure at times I haven't. I know it's what I always go back to saying, but I left the BAU. I left and we found each other. And I wouldn't give this up for any job."

In the end, it wasn't getting suspended or the team's faces after she had told them that had made Emily feel at her lowest that night. It had been that statement right then by Ashley. Because Emily knew, she knew. She knew she hadn't felt that way about the other woman, and she probably never would. That part of her- the best part of her- it had been taken by somebody else a long time ago. There they were ten years later, and Emily was pretty sure she wasn't going to get it back. Ironically enough, Emily had found herself in the same place JJ had four years prior. She had felt like she just kept failing her spouse, and maybe if she just tried a little harder...Maybe if they could just get out of D.C.

* * *

"Knock, knock, buttercup," Garcia alerted before she walked into Emily's, now JJ's, office. She wasn't sure if it was because of the famous Prentiss 'stone face' or not, but Garcia was sure that JJ looked more upset about the news than Emily had. "You okay?"

JJ just shrugged at the question. "It feels so wrong to be in here."

"Emster understands, she knows better than anyone."

"I know…" JJ drifted off before she looked around the office. It looked the same as when Hotch had it. Emily had barely had time to decorate it- not that she would- before she was unceremoniously thrown under the bus. "I'm sitting in my best friend's office."

"You are, just for now."

JJ chewed on her bottom lip and debated whether or not she should tell the blonde technical analyst. "I'm worried it's going to take a lot of time away from the boys…It's just not really a good time for all of this."

"Will has that covered though, right?"

"Yeah, he normally does. It's just a lot to put all on Will."

"But it's only temporary."

"I know, it's just not really a good time. I'm worried about how it might affect things." JJ shook her head, "It's more complicated than that. I-"

"You're pregnant?" Garcia gasped. She wasn't sure if she was excited or not. Okay, fine, she was excited.

"No, god, no," JJ answered with a laugh. Garcia always had that ability to make her feel better in some way. She was sure she would have fallen apart years ago without that woman. The whole team would have. "I haven't told anyone yet, but Will and I are separated." While she had waited for Garcia to respond, JJ had straightened out Emily's silver frame that held the picture of Ashley Seaver.


	15. This Is Where You Leave Me

"You are what?!" Garcia exclaimed and hit the desk with her hand. "What is it about these BAU offices?…I mean, I'm so sorry."

"No, please," JJ exhaled, "It was time. It's been a long time coming."

Garcia had been left dumbfounded by the announcement. It was one of those circumstances where it was so expected the fact that it actually happened was a shock, "What happened? What did he do?"

JJ just shook her head at the question, "He didn't _do _anything. It wasn't about him. It was more about me...Is that selfish to admit?"

"No, no, of course not. It's your life."

JJ nodded along to the statement. She hesitated before she said it, "There really wasn't a monumental incident. We had talked about 'calling it' on the BAU, and it made me realize what I wanted, but also what I didn't want. I couldn't imagine a 'simple life' with him, and I couldn't imagine it because my only source of happiness comes from the boys and my work."

"So Will is?"

"A saint," JJ laughed self-consciously. "I love who he is, but…"

"But there's a 'but.'"

"Will doesn't make me unhappy, but he doesn't make me happy. I don't feel happy in our relationship because of our relationship. I am able to feel happy because of what other people give me…." JJ drifted off. She worried she would sound selfish, but Garcia was right. This was her life. She had put a lot of people's needs before her own, and she always would when it came to her children, but otherwise? Otherwise, JJ was tired of allowing things to happen to her. She had grown tired of being a bystander in her own life. "I know that personal fulfillment is a huge part in relationships. I get that. But I don't know if it can be the only part."

"No, it can't." JJ was about to say something else, but Garcia had interrupted her, "What is the point of that? If he doesn't make your life better, he's just there."

"We had a lot of love together. So much love and so much family and stability, but at the end of the day that love wasn't coming from me. It was like I had picked a person and decided 'I'm going to make it work with him,' and that's all we had."

Garcia hadn't expected JJ to be so forthcoming about the break up of her marriage. "Do you feel guilty about it?"

"Yeah," JJ laughed. "It makes me feel guilty, because he's a good man. He really is. He's a textbook 'good guy.' When I first met him, he was perfect. He was exactly the man I was looking for. He's hardworking, and he's kind, and he puts family above everything. He's everything most women would dream of, but I don't love him the way I should."

"Then he deserves more, and you shouldn't feel bad about recognizing it. It would be worse to wait it out- wait out life without giving either of you a chance at happiness. Especially if Will can't tell you're not happy."

"That's the thing-" JJ's eyes lit up as the words struck something inside of her that made it easier to articulate her complicated feelings, "He should notice, right?"

"Oh, for sure! Totally! He should be able to tell. The fact he can't is no bueno for both of you."

JJ interlinked her hands together in front of her body and leaned forward in Emily's chair. "I did try. I tried. I really tried, but at certain point if you keep trying…"

"Yeah."

"He's always deserved better. I've tried to give him better, but I just can't. I see him as a partner, but not as a man I am in love with. I look at my sons and I have no regrets about the path I have taken to get them, but I can't sentence myself- and him- to a life we deserve better than just because it seems right. Because that's what happens. You find a person, you go to bed with them and you get pregnant. And you stick it out because it seems like the right thing to do. You fade into this life with this person. One day you wake up and it's been a year. The next day it's been five, and you're still there. It doesn't stop. Life keeps going and it doesn't care if you're with the right person or not."

"And Will isn't the right person."

"Will is…Will seemed like the right man. He is the right father for my children." JJ thought about the repercussions of saying what she wanted to say next. She knew Garcia would never say anything, but she worried about what the universe would do if she put it out there. But with Garcia just staring at her, JJ decided to 'fuck it' and just say it. "I have been measuring him against somebody else, and it wasn't fair to him. I'm still doing it, and if it hasn't gone away by now then it never will."

"What do you mean?" Garcia knew exactly what JJ meant, but wanted her to say it.

"You know," JJ let out a restrained laugh. She knew the technical analyst too long for this act, but she expanded on her original thought anyway, "Will was the perfect man, but Emily- Emily is Emily Prentiss. She's a woman. She's smart, too smart. She's secretive. She's complicated. Will isn't any of those things- that's why he's the perfect guy and Emily isn't." JJ laughed at her own comment. "She's flawed and she's always so professional- perfect most of the time. And still when she's not-"

"She's not," Garcia had interrupted. She knew exactly what the other woman had been referring to.

"Underneath she's so human and so emotional. She's so affected by the things she's seen, even when she tries not to be. I love that about her. I love how tender she is inside. I love how she's a hypocrite and tells everyone to not let the work get to them, but then she goes on ahead and always brings it home with her. I love that she does that because she can't help to do it any differently."

Garcia forced herself to suppress bursting into dance each time JJ admitted _I love. _She didn't say _I like _or even _I loved. _She had said 'I love.' The technical analyst couldn't help but commend herself on her restraint as she zoned out during the last part of JJ's speech. "Emily is a cat." It was a ridiculous sentence said with such authority that JJ couldn't help but laugh. Garcia raised a hand to signal she would not be interrupted in this observation, "You thought you were a dog person. But you, my dear, you are a cat person. Will is a dog. I don't mean in a 'he's a _dog_' kind of way. He's simple. He's short and sleepy. What you see is what you get with Detective LaMontange, and it's easier and a lot of people would love that. Who doesn't love a dog? You thought you aways wanted a dog! But in reality, you are a cat person. Emily is a cat-person, and I don't just say that because I cat-sat and dashed with my dearest Sergio. She's a cat! She's moody and a sassy pants and reserved, but you get to know her and she's all fluff."

There might have been a lot of truth to the statement, but in that moment JJ couldn't help but shake her head slightly and let out the laugh she had tried to keep locked in her throat. She began to trace the top of her desk. It was slick and clean, and there wasn't any of 'Emily' left on it. "My whole life I have let decisions happen to me. I let Emily choose what happened with us. I got pregnant, and I let Will choose how we were going to raise our child. I'm just sick of it. I'm ready to be brave and make my own choices."

"Well, you said it yourself honey bunny. It isn't fair to waste his time if you know you don't love him. It isn't fair to be constantly comparing him to Emmy two-by-four. Like, who could even live up to that?"

JJ nodded along until she had noticed the odd nickname the other woman had used for Emily. "Emmy two-by-four?"

"Because she gets hit in the head by two-by-fours, duh," Garcia clarified with a slight cringe. She relaxed when it was clear JJ had found the nickname more funny than angering. "So….does Emily know?"

"Emily is going through a lot right now. I didn't make this jump with her as a parachute. I don't expect her to make any decisions for me. I'll be okay alone for a while. I think I should be alone for a while." JJ looked up to the ceiling in the large office to try to do mental math, "I haven't been alone for 10, almost 11 years. If I were to ever be with somebody again, I would want to do it right."

"Especially if 'somebody' has a wife we have to get rid of," Garcia teased with air quotes. The blasé way she had put it had earned her a genuine laugh, as well as a kick under the desk, from the other blonde.

"Leave them alone, Pen."

"My little poppyseed muffin, just so you know, you're not alone. You have me. And this fancy new job" Garcia reassured as she looked around the office.

"Thanks, Pen."

"Can I ask you one thing?" Garcia asked in a serious tone and placed her hands over JJ's on the desk. "You can say no if you want."

"Tonight, you can ask anything."

"I've just always wondered, what made you marry him like that?"

JJ sat in silence at the question. She steadily breathed in and out, and thought of the way to answer the technical analyst. She wondered how much she should detail. It wasn't just her story to tell. It was odd how life- how Emily could do that to her- one second she would be in the real world, and the next she could be back. She could always picture everything just as it had occurred back then. She could remember what Emily was wearing, what she smelled like, the shade of brown her eyes were- depending on her mood. That night Emily's eyes were especially dark and misted. They were pained. They always were that year.

"It's what he wanted," JJ began and opted for the simplest version of the story. "I kept trying to be better for him. I had made mistakes. After he was taken by the unsub on the bombing case, I felt guilty that I could have lost him and that's how I had treated him. It like, I had already gone so far with him, maybe it would help. If I took one more step maybe that would be the one on stable ground. If I gave him something he desperately wanted, maybe I would want it too."

"Life doesn't work that way."

"It doesn't!" JJ was quick to agree. She knew that painful lesson better than anyone. "You hear about bandaid marriages and bandaid babies from other people, and you always think 'that's so stupid.' It normally is too, but then you're in it and you think that might be your best shot."

"But it's still stupid."

JJ again nodded slowly, "It always is."

She didn't go home right away after that conversation. Truthfully, she didn't have much of a 'home' to go to anymore. Garcia had sat with her for a few minutes, but the silence had grown too much for her and she left at around 10:30. That was the thing about all those years with Emily Prentiss. JJ had gotten used to the silence. She was comfortable in it. She had grown comfortable enough to just sit with her thoughts, so she did. She sat at the dark desk that had been passed around three times in the past year and a half, and just traced the grain of the wood. Back and forth, left to right, and as she did she thought about that last time with Emily. She thought of that last time before she had gotten married, and Emily had too.

* * *

People always say the same thing: "You never know when it's going to be the last time." Perhaps that was the case in most instances, but JJ had known it then that it would be the last time. Part of her had known by the way Emily had nodded towards the exit door. It was that resigned, sad nod.

"Reid knows too much about real estate," Emily had groaned and given her drink a swirl. She intently watched the little funnel that appeared as she did it faster and faster. The bar had closed by that point, so the two had taken the two block walk to Emily's hotel for another drink in her room. The hotel room's bathroom's water glasses had been the perfect size, but the two had found the minibar options to be slightly lacking. The two were laid out on the floor for no particular reason. Maybe it was all for pretence. They both knew why they had gone back that night, but sitting on the bed together would be too obvious.

"Mostly how quickly it can go wrong. It's going to be fine," JJ laughed while Emily had scoffed. That led JJ to put her hand over the brunette's arm. It started with a pat, and evolved into her fingers gingerly dancing over the soft thin fabric. "If I can do it, you can do it."

Emily stretched out to grab the real estate listing from the nightstand and handed it over to the blonde, "It's ugly."

"It needs-"

"It's ugly," Emily argued back again, which made JJ laugh and relent.

"It's ugly. So why'd you buy it?"

"Impulse."

JJ let out a chuckle, "Only a Prentiss."

"Hm?"

"Only a Prentiss would- could- buy a house in D.C. on an impulse."

Emily ignored the previous comment and focused on another, "_If I can do it, you can do it. _Much like this property, you sell yourself short." It earned the smallest of smiles and laughs from the blonde. "You might be right about the 'Prentiss' thing, though."

"Oh, I, for sure, am. So why'd you buy it, really? You're not really the ownership type. You've always been more into the lease. You find something you like for a while and then you move on."

"And you buy."

"And I buy." By that point they both knew they weren't just talking about property anymore.

"I thought it would tether me here," Emily offered and moved from lying on the ground to a sitting position, hovering over JJ's body.

"You think you'd float away otherwise?" JJ teased and reached out to touch Emily's collarbone. "You want to stay?" It was more of a hopeful question than a statement, and Emily wasn't quite sure she should answer.

"It was hard to leave-" Emily's throat constricted at the next part "-It's been just as hard to come back."

"But you want to stay." That time it was more of a command than a question.

"Yeah, for sure, but you know how I can be."

"I do."

Once again, they were back to that habit. That habit where anyone could barge into the room, but would still have no idea what the two were saying. They would have no ability to grasp the double meanings. The two women had said so much, but were also so careful not to say anything.

"A house commits you. A house grounds you."

"The team grounds you too, Em. I ground you."

And that was when she said it. There it was: the hint. You never know when it's going to be the last time? Yeah, right. "The team does ground me."

It hurt the blonde to hear it, but it hurt the brunette more to say it. To admit it. To put it out there. She knew JJ felt that she didn't choose this for them, and maybe she didn't. Emily did send JJ off with Will on that case. She had blinked first, but JJ had chosen by default. All her life, by not making a choice, she had made her choice. Not making a choice had been her choice.

JJ sat up and moved to cup Emily's cheek with her hand. She traced the bone with her thumb. It was that move that had made Emily lean forward to kiss her. It had started with gentle, soft kisses, which quickly became more and more breathless and frantic. JJ lied back down on the floor, and Emily hovered over her. Anxious hands rubbed over Emily's left arm, while the brunette's right had began to unbutton the blonde's shirt and pants.

"Are you going to leave him?" Emily had breathlessly asked in a voice so quiet JJ could barely hear it over her own breathing.

"I'm here with you."

"Okay."

But it wasn't okay.

Emily began to kiss and suck at JJ's neck and collarbone, and started to run her fingers from the other woman's breast to below her panty line. The blonde's breath hitched when Emily's hand made it there, panting heavily when she felt those familiar two fingers make their familiar circular pattern. She could already feel that feeling of pure exhilaration. Her legs had started to shake and her breaths were more gasp than a steady flow. She knew she was close, but she also knew Emily would draw it out. So she wasn't surprised when Emily's movement stilled and her own desperation only intensified. However, she was surprised when Emily stopped kissing her. She was surprised when the other woman took her hand back, and she could see Emily's broken face quickly turn away from her.

"Emily?" JJ's voice was a mixture of breathlessness, frustration and just plain confusion. "Em?"

"I can't go through this anymore."

JJ pushed back the sweaty hair that had been sticking to the side of her neck and face, and took a deep steadying breath before she sat up. She was confused and dazed and irritated, and, before she could get her bearings, Emily walked off to the bathroom.

"You have a boyfriend."

The blonde ended up just falling back down onto the hard floor. She needed a few minutes to get out of her haze. As she stayed on the floor, tired and spent, but not at all satisfied, she couldn't figure out which part had hurt more: Emily rejecting her or Emily rejecting her because _JJ _had a boyfriend.

* * *

Barnes' words had reverberated around the room. Sure, there had been a deluge of bad news, but the sentences that had stuck out the most to both Reid and JJ had been:

_Agent Prentiss, your suspension is lifted. You'll be reassigned within the Bureau. Your new post has yet to be determined._

Reid had waited for the rest of the team to filter out, first. He had a sense that JJ would be the only one left, and sure enough his theory had proved correct. Emily had been the first to walk out, making some remark about needing to meet up with Ashley. Then, both Tara and Simmons had left simultaneously. Alvez had sulked around for half an hour longer than the other three, unsure if he should stay or go, but ultimately decided to leave for home too. That had just left Rossi and Garcia. After some eye motioning and nods, Rossi had picked up on what Reid was silently trying to convey, and had convinced Garcia they should both walk out to the abandoned parking lot together.

He didn't wait to bring it up until they were in JJ's office. His patience had already worn out. Who knows what Emily would have said to Ashley by that point- and hour after she had left the BAU, possibly for good. Spencer Reid didn't need to go into JJ's office, the close of the metal elevator doors were enough. "Jennifer, what are you going to do?"

It was the full name that had alerted her to how serious Reid felt. He had looked so young and small when he asked it, "Spence?"

"How are you going to fix this?"

She sighed, "Spence, what can I do?" In an unexpected way, she had found herself in the same position, saying the same words, that Emily had nearly a year prior. Except this time they were in the vacant bullpen instead of the deathly quiet office.

"You have to do something!" He pleaded desperately. His voice quivered and quaked, "Emily did this for me. She's in this position because of us and she's ready to walk away and, and, move."

"What?" That was the part JJ hadn't known. She crossed her arms and furrowed her brows at the news. It was hardly a surprise- Emily walking away- but it had left her shocked nonetheless. "What do you mean she's ready to walk?"

"There were boxes. I went over there and there were boxes. She said it might be better for us all if she leaves. She said Barnes would get off all our backs if she did. She was wrong about that, but she also said that Ashley wanted to go abroad. Something about her marriage- I was barely able to convince her to stay _before_ she was reassigned." JJ looked down, downhearted at the new piece of information. If Seaver was involved, well, it was unlikely she would win that battle of wills then. "You have to do something."

"Spence-"

"-No, you're the only one. You're the only one she'd listen to."

JJ let out a huff of frustration at the remark. It wasn't true anymore. "What about Derek?"

"I left, but you have to stay? That won't do any good. No, Jennifer, you have to try." He was nervous and paced over the demands he had placed at the feet of his longterm friend. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't the best at interpersonal relationships, but he had seen them. He knew about them. He knew the position he was putting JJ in, but he also knew it was the only way Emily might stay. "Please."

It was a desperate plea. It was that same tone he had used a year and a half prior when he had convinced Emily to stay in the first place. She didn't think it would work, not after all this time. Emily would't stay for her before, how would this be any different? But it was the heartfelt request from the younger man who had been through so much. It was his anguish that made her say it. "I can't promise anything. I don't think she'll listen to me. Emily is- Emily does what Emily does. I think the sooner you can accept that the better. But-" It was the _but _that had perked up his eyes and made him shift from staring down at the floor to look at JJ. "-I'll talk to her. All I can promise is that I'll try."

"She'll listen to you."

"You know-" JJ started in a warm voice, which had made him stop his walk toward the BAU elevator, "-You're not always right, Spence. You're going to be wrong sometimes."

"I know that," He nodded. "Just not this time."

* * *

**As always, thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. **

**The writers have tried their best, but they haven't killed the fandom just yet. **


	16. You Can't Leave Me Again

"How was the lake?" It was a question said without an ounce of sarcasm or bite. From some ex-lovers a question about a honeymoon- to a lake of all places- would be laced with mockery or sneering, but not with Emily Prentiss. It was a genuine question, asked because of polite niceties despite a lack of genuineness. After her surprise wedding to the Louisiana native, JJ, Will and Henry had gone on a two week trip to Rochester and the Finger Lakes. It wasn't the most traditional honeymoon, like someplace tropical with the child left at home with grandma. No, it had been more of a family trip.

It had been a surprise to JJ, that Emily had wanted to meet up with her that quickly. JJ had returned from New York on a Saturday afternoon, and Emily had asked to meet up- in a coffee shop- that very night. It had taken JJ aback for a couple reasons. First off, after their last disastrous encounter, she was surprised that Emily wanted to see her at night at all. It might have seemed innocent enough. It was a meetup at a coffee shop, but the two had gotten in trouble before starting from less "sexier" locations. Secondly, JJ had always assumed Emily would retreat a little and stay a little distant in the immediate months after the blonde's marriage. It was those two reasons which made the blonde a little uneasy as she sat across from the brunette in the quiet coffee shop, instead of just speaking with her two days later at work. Emily had been nursing a green tea she had already had by the time JJ had sat down at the table in the back. It was the least desirable of all the tables. Its lack of outlets made it less appealing to the few writers who were inside, and it was by the bathroom.

"JJ?"

"Oh, yeah, it was great. It was more of a family trip. Henry had a lot of fun. He learned a lot. All about family…"

"You're family," Emily had said in a quiet voice. Truth be told, Emily didn't know why she had felt compelled to say it.

"Yeah."

"You looked…it was a nice night. Your wedding I mean."

"Thanks," Once again, bewilderment on JJ's part. It was odd that Emily would want to meet up with her to talk about her wedding to the man she had left Emily for. Granted, there were other factors at play. Emily had played a part in it herself, but it was strange. "Hey, I heard there were cracks in your foundation." JJ had tried to change the subject, concluding it must have just been a meet up to catch up. Meanwhile, Emily found herself laughing at what the blonde had said. 'Cracks in your foundation' was fitting in more ways than one. "So you looking for a new place?"

Emily's eyes had darted around the small coffee place. She knew JJ didn't know, but she didn't know-know. She was sure that someone, anyone, was going to tell JJ. Someone was sure to have leaked this bit of news. At the very least Erin Strauss could have complained about Emily to a mouthy assistant who told a friend of friend? _No, that would never happen _Emily sighed as she thought to herself. This was the problem with the BAU being so insular. The one time she actually wanted the unit to interfere in her business, they didn't. "I gave my notice."

"Notice?"

"I gave it two weeks ago."

JJ used her tongue to try to peel the inside lining of her cheek. The past few days her new toothpaste had been making the inside of her mouth peel. It was already irritated and raw, but she still found herself doing it as she tried to work out what Emily was saying. It was easy enough to figure out at face value, but it just didn't seem possible. "You just got here," JJ said under her breath. She's unable to conjure up any more volume.

"Friday was my last day. You know I have to go."

Emily had felt ashamed for telling the blonde that way. She felt miserable for dropping the news on her that way, carefully doing it in public so JJ couldn't beg her to stay. But she just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't stand by and watch JJ be married and happy. She couldn't live with the hurt and the pain anymore. She had craved it in Paris. All she had wanted was the heartache that came with seeing JJ everyday. She thought she could handle it, but watching JJ pledge her life and her body to Will in Rossi's backyard? Hearing directly from the blonde that yes, they could sleep together, but she would always go back home to Will? She had idealized it while she was away. She thought she was strong enough to handle it, but as she watched that ring slide on to JJ's finger, she knew she wasn't. The feelers she had put out to the team about going to Interpol- those plans were finalized as soon as 'I do' was said. And as the night progressed, and the group of profilers- and Garcia- had found themselves circling around Emily to check on her, they knew it too. She had already left. Maybe, in a way, she had never truly come back.

There had been no begging or tears. There hadn't been any long hugs, or whispers into ears of promises to never forget each other or always stay safe. It was just a final touch on the shoulder from the brunette and then she was gone, leaving JJ to just sit and stare at the half finished green tea with a splash of cream.

* * *

JJ had strategically picked the lunch after her talk with Reid to go talk to Emily. Barnes couldn't very take lunch away from her too. And while Alvez was a little nervous that Barnes would notice JJ had left and think something suspicious, JJ had merely told him not to worry about it. Maybe she would get lucky and Barnes would just fire her, she thought to herself as she rode the elevator up to the apartment Emily hated.

She knocked twice before the door was finally swung open by a slightly annoyed- and mostly surprised- Emily. She had been repacking the boxes of degrees and awards Reid had helped her unpack the day before. "JJ?" The blonde didn't reply and instead opted to walk inside the messy apartment. It was the exact opposite of how Emily liked things. "Ashley's not here."

"Good, I didn't come to see her," JJ said as she looked around at the boxes. She reached into the one closest to her, left on the kitchen counter, and took out an old coffee mug Emily had stolen from the BAU. "What are you doing?" She turned to face Emily, "Spence said you were- that Ashley was ready to leave?"

"Yeah, well."

JJ raised an eyebrow at the brush off, "What about us?"

Emily was not sure if she was talking about 'them' or the team. "This might be better for everyone."

"You know that's not true."

"Your life will be so much easier if-"

"-No it won't. You know it won't."

Emily picked at her fingers and paced around the small space by the front door, "I have to put her first. There's real…commitment. She's given me years. I have to see this out. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it might be better for everyone."

There was emotion, and a few tears that had clouded her eyes, but she was still forceful, "It won't be. It never is…" Her voice was scratchy and stiff when she said it: "You can't leave me again."

"She's my wife," was all Emily replied. She let the silence settle over the room, and slowly let her breath escape from her lungs before she added, "I have someone now, the same way you do."

A few more moments passed and JJ found herself standing a few feet away from Emily. She used her thumbnail to scrap at a small chip on the white coffee mug. "Emily, you left me." She looked up at the brunette and two really _looked_ at each other for the first time since JJ came in. "I know Hotch asked you to come back after Askari, and I know you said 'no.' I have never asked you for anything, even when I've needed you. I've needed you before, and you've needed me. And I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. It's all I would have wanted- to be there for you- and I wasn't. And now I have to live with that. And because of that, I've never asked you for anything, but I am asking you now. I'm asking you to please stay." Emily stayed focused on the blonde, but didn't reply. "Please don't leave us, because I think we both know if you leave this time you'll never come back." JJ let out a strangled breath. It was full of the tears and the heaviness she refused let out. "You won't come back, and it'd probably be for the best because I wouldn't be able to handle you drifting back in and out of my life if you did. You're married to Ashley now. I know that. I don't want to overstep that, but I'm asking you as a friend. As a friend, I'm asking what I wished you would've asked me then: stay with me."

Emily didn't say a single word at first. She just stood there and let the words course through her. She could hear them echoing in her ears. It wasn't so much the words, but the tone. It was that same quiet, warm, gentle tone JJ seemed to reserve for her alone.

It was the tone JJ had given her when Reid had been being difficult with her during the throes of his drug addiction.

It was the tone JJ had given her when Emily had admitted, inadvertently, that her mother- The Ambassador- could still make her feel so small.

It was the tone JJ had given her when Emily had first shown glimpses of her empathy for children in Denver.

It was the tone JJ had given her when the blonde had come over to her house in the dead of night, before their first time together.

It was the tone JJ had given her in the bath talking about how well Emily had grown to know her.

It was the tone JJ had given her after she had been beaten by Benjamin Cyrus.

It was the tone JJ had given her when Emily's aimless walking had led her to a cab that had taken her to JJ's house- not caring if she had to see Will or not- to tell her 'Matthew's really gone,' even though the other woman had no idea the extent of the significance.

It was the tone JJ had given her after every accident, every beating, every shooting.

It was the tone JJ had given her on the plane ride to Paris.

It was the tone JJ had given her on the plane ride home after the Piano Man case.

It was the tone JJ had given her at all those big moments, and all the little ones in between.

It wasn't just the words that pierced Emily to her very core; it was JJ's tone. It was that special voice that had motivated Emily to crotch down to a box on the floor and start slowly taking items out one by one.

It wasn't said with a smirk or a lopsided grin. It wasn't said with sarcasm, or teasing, or mirth, or in jest. It was barely audible and surprisingly emotive. "You have to help me unpack."

* * *

**Any predictions on how this is going to turn out? **


	17. Why'd You Do It?

The team had once again found themselves back in the Seaver-Prentiss apartment, which was by then decidedly less messy and no longer packed up. Emily had greeted them at the door around an hour before, and JJ immediately noticed the other woman no longer smelled like herself, but rather putrid a combination of sweat- not Emily's sweat- and old Fritos. JJ had found herself both a little horrified and not completely surprised to be corrected by Emily that the smell was, in fact, sweat and old farts.

The group been working on a case covertly when Garcia had pulled their newest team leader aside to talk by the stove, "So, how are you with, ya know, the _thing_?"

"I'm doing okay."

"Have you told…" Garcia discreetly drifted off before badly imitating Emily's way of standing and picking at her fingers.

"No," JJ laughed, "And it's probably not a great idea to bring that up here, of all places."

"You're the one who convinced Emster bo-bemster to stay. I thought you would've told her then."

"Tell her what?" Tara asked as she popped out from behind the fridge and snacked on a carrot.

JJ looked between the two women and tried to get out of the conversation, "Who?"

Tara didn't let her, "Emily."

"What?"

"What should you have told her when you convinced her to stay?" Tara clarified and looked over to Garcia, confused by why JJ had been acting so muddled.

"Who told you I told her to stay?"

"Prentiss told me."

"Oh."

"Reid told me," Garcia jumped in and turned to Tara. "Sooo, what did Emily say?" Now it was JJ's turn to be left out of the conversation.

"What do you mean?"

"When she told you about JJ telling her to stay, did she, you know, say something _interesting_?"

Tara looked between JJ and Emily- who had been sitting on the sofa talking to Alvez- "So that is what this is." Tara gave the two blondes a knowing smile, "But you're married and she's married."

"Actually, JJ is-" Garcia began before a sideways look from JJ cut her off.

"This is nothing. Ignore her," JJ ordered and waited for Tara to leave before turning her attention back to her friend, "What the hell is wrong with you? This is so inappropriate. We're in Seaver's house. I'm eating her carrots."

"So that's what you call it nowadays," Garcia teased. Before JJ could scold her again, the front door swung open, startling both women.

"Hi….everyone," Ashley greeted in a less than amused tone. Emily quickly got off the sofa to jog to her front door, already recognizing the frustration in Ashley's tone. "I just need to borrow Emily for a second. Emily, bedroom."

The whole unit watched the interaction intently, but Garcia especially did. Half a carrot hung out of her mouth and she spoke up in a hushed voice, "You know, Emily is such an alpha personality. A relaxed one, but still 'type A,' how does she always end up with these bossy women?" JJ gave the other woman a glare, both women unaware Reid was standing beside them.

"It is truly fascinating," The man remarked.

JJ rolled her eyes at how careless the two were being, "What is the matter with you two?"

"What?" Reid asked in a voice a little louder than Garcia's _sorry._

"I can't speak for baby genius over here, but I'm just happy. I was so sad and now with things maybe happening, I'm feeling back to life. You don't know how rough I've had it with my baby, Derek, leaving and Shawshank Redemption over here. _And then,_ you've been all 'ner, ner,' and Emily has been all 'der, der.' And now-" Garcia added as she moved closer to JJ and slightly boxed out Reid. "-Now I'm working with infants. And I had to wear a suit to work, and they took away my trinkets. I have had _a day_."

"Well thirty-three percent of my team is inept-"

"New guy!" Garcia hissed.

"No, it's 'new Garcia.' Oh, and I'm directly under Barnes, and she calls me around three times a day. So that's fun. Not to mention, yes it's been a long time coming, but I'm getting _divorced. _On top of all of that, aside from this stolen case, I have no work so I spend my day staring at the picture of Ashley Seaver sitting on my desk. But I feel bad about moving it because it's not _my desk."_

Garcia cringed at the reality of the other woman's situation, "At least there are worse faces to spend the day staring at?"

* * *

"Emily," Ashley groaned and threw her bag on the floor, and paced around the room. "Emily, why is your disbanded BAU team sitting in my living room..and kitchen? Why are they working a case, in our home- mind you, that they- that you- have no authority to work?"

"Ashley-"

"-Fuck, Emily," Ashley chided and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. "What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to kill any chance you might have to transfer back?" Silence. "Why are we still here?" More silence. Emily looked around the room, and tried to focus on anything but her furious wife in front of her. "What happened to the promises we made? I am so sick of coming in second-"

"-Ashley-"

"-So _sick _of it. Every fucking time," The blonde was furious. She felt she had been very patient with Emily, but after nearly two years of this- of the BAU- her patience was wearing thin.

A head tilt and soft voice tried to calm her down, "Can we not do this now? All my friends and coworkers are here. We can talk about this later."

"We never talk about it later!" Ashley shot back. She scoffed a few seconds later when Emily didn't even bother to argue back. "You know what? Fine, there- there's your favorite word. Fine, I'm going back to work," She huffed and walked over to jerk up her bag off the floor.

"You don't even have anything to do there-" Emily said, but the younger woman had already been briskly walking out the door. Emily walked after her, the door closing in her face when she tried to cover and call out, "Bye, honey, have a great night at work…" Her volume faded as she looked to the group sitting in crowded living room, all of whom had most definitely heard most of their fight.

Rossi walked by the brunette and held up a glass of wine he had helped himself to, "Nice cover there, kid."

Emily turned to Reid, who happened to be standing next to her, and mumbled, "I'm reassigning him when I get my job back."

* * *

Hours had passed and it was around midnight when the team, see Rossi, had called it. The team had decided to go home for the night, and return to the apartment the next day to finish the case. JJ had waited around for the group to filter out one by one. She had wanted to talk to Emily alone, and the truth was Emily had wanted to talk alone as well. It had been hard. It had been a rollercoaster since she had been suspended, and although she didn't exactly want to talk about it, she didn't mind talking _around it_ with JJ. The blonde just always made Emily feel better. Even when she made her feel awful, there was a glimmer that could only come from the younger woman.

It was around 12:30 in the morning when the two found themselves back on Emily's terrace. They looked out at the not-quite-remarkable view of Medstar Georgetown.

"How are things here?"

Emily laughed at the question. "You heard."

"Oh, we all heard," JJ teased before she got more serious. "I'm sorry about that. I know you hate public conflict, and your personal life put out….Anyway, how are things going?"

"Tense," Emily admitted and rubbed the back of her neck. "She doesn't get what I'm doing here. I look at my job and sometimes I don't get what I'm doing here. Why didn't all those hits to the head damage my sense of smell? I can't handle Odenkirk anymore."

JJ chuckled at the remark. She definitely sympathized with the older woman. "My new technical analyst thinks 'page one' of a Google search is a deep dive so I get it."

It was Emily's turn to laugh before she moved from looking straight out to the hospital to look at JJ, "Where are you living now?"

"Guest room." Emily merely nodded and opted to let JJ decide if she was going to divulge anymore information. "It's only temporary, until we can work out a schedule and I can find an apartment. I haven't had a lot of time to do so, given the circumstances…Garcia told you, then?"

"Reid," Emily answered. "He told me this morning. He has a big mouth, by way of Garcia."

"You're telling me! I didn't even tell him."

"I think it's from their little godparents' meetings," Emily laughed quietly. JJ didn't even know those two still had those. "You doing okay with it?"

JJ inhaled through her teeth at the question, "I'm okay. I'm okay with being alone. I've been more lonely before not being alone. It wasn't right."

Emily shrugged at the admission, "You put in a good shift."

JJ laughed at the comment. It wasn't a laugh out of dismissal. It was more of a laugh of polite disagreement, and, fortunately, Emily immediately picked up on the difference. "I didn't really see it like that."

"How did you see it then?"

JJ took another deep breath and crossed her arms, "I dragged it out." Emily knew she had more to say, and waited a few beats before JJ went on, careful to not interrupt. "I dragged him and everyone else down with me."

Emily gave JJ that same soft look she always had, and reached out to run her thumb over JJ's wrist that had grabbed the terrace's railing. "No one ever knows what to do." It was such a simple statement from the brunette. She had barely even said anything, and, still, JJ was reassured by it. And then Emily asked the question she had wondered about for the past five years. It was a question that had burrowed its way into the back of her mind and no matter how hard she tried to purge it, it would always come back. Somewhere along the way it had even become a part of her. It was there as permanent as the branding scar on her chest. "For nothing else but closure, why did you do it?"

JJ knew exactly what Emily had asked her, and, more importantly, she knew she had to say it. If she didn't admit it then, she would never admit it. She was tired of all the unsaid words that had hung in the air over them like a shadow. "I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone." JJ cleared the emotion and tears from her voice, "I've broken a lot of promises over the years, and I betrayed the person I was supposed to love most. After that night, after the Los Angeles blackout case-" She doesn't need to expand on it, she knows Emily remembers, "-I promised myself that if I found myself apart from you, I would give it my all. I would really try with him. But then I left the BAU and all I thought about was you. Even when it was anger, I always thought of you. I could list off everything in the past ten years I've felt guilty over, and it would take hours. There was just so much shame. I was drowning in it. When he almost died, I kept thinking of how awful I had treated him. I thought of how much I had hurt you, and still you had saved him. It felt like a sign. In Miami- I thought weren't interested in me as a partner, and my sucking you back in over and over again was what had hurt you the most. I thought you just wanted to be free from it all. I thought you just wanted to be free from me. And he's a good guy…And he wanted to marry me, so I thought that if I could give him that one thing it would be better for everyone. And then maybe...'"

"Then maybe?"

"Then maybe I could live with myself." It was the most bare JJ had felt in a very long time. This time she had finally said all those words she had always pretended hadn't existed. "Maybe someday you'll tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"You knew I had stopped talking to him. You knew I had every intention of ending things. You knew I loved you- Why did you tell me to go after him?"

Emily closed her eyes. She desperately tried to sort and store away her feelings. Who knew when Ashley would come home. "JJ, I can't jump with you."

"I know," JJ nodded before a sniffle. "I'm not asking you to. She's perfect. She fits every checklist out there. I get it. Do I wish it…" The blonde cut herself off, and let out a small, broken laugh. It was a cover for her real feelings, and she knew it probably wouldn't fool anyone, let alone Emily Prentiss. "She's everything for you."

The blonde was about to leave the terrace. She was about to begin the familiar trek back to her house, and the unfamiliar trek to the guest room. The terrace was exposed and unprotected. It was completely bare, besides the guard rail. There was no umbrella overhead for protection, or even anywhere to sit. It was stripped and unshielded, and it was there that Emily knew was the only place she would ever say it. "I thought you liked Will enough-" JJ stopped her pull on the sliding glass door at the uncertain and vulnerable voice. "-I thought he could give you things I couldn't. And Doyle, I had just come back and I was scared it would come out. If things would go too far with us, and you couldn't accept it- that would be worse than if we stopped it early. That maybe if you went off with this guy you already liked I could get over you, and you'd be happy. And if you hadn't…"

"If I hadn't what?"

Emily sharply inhaled at the question. The cold air burned and cleared her nostrils. "I told you to go after him, and then you went after him." She knew she didn't have to explain any further.

JJ just shook her head at the disclosure. She wasn't harsh when she said it, but she said it nonetheless. "That's not fair, Em. You never talked to me. I couldn't read your mind. You knew how I felt about you, and then you just said it. It felt like you were done with me. Like you were just ready to move on. You were tired of me, pushing me off to be someone else's problem because you were over it…" JJ stopped to take a breath and wipe the tears from her eyes. All this time, years had passed and she had still been carrying this hurt. She always knew Emily loved her, but she wasn't sure Emily was ever 'in love' with her. "Do you know, Em? Do you know how it feels to tell someone you love them, and then a couple weeks later they tell you 'Hey go date that guy instead? It hurt. I shouldn't have gone after him. I should've been angry with you. I should've yelled at you, and screamed, and demanded to know why, and I didn't. I should have, and I didn't. I shouldn't have gone after him to prove you wrong. I did something really stupid, but I can't take all the blame."

"I know. I'm not asking you to," Emily nodded and studied the figure illuminated in the doorway. "I was scared," She admitted and she finally allowed herself to be completely vulnerable. "I'm just so exhausted, JJ. It's an exhaustion unlike anything else in the world- being far away from you. Even when I'm here- I'm so tired of forcing myself to feel far away from you."

"I meant what I told you months ago. I'm here...I don't know what else to tell you."

"There's nothing else."

"You know it all now, Em. Every last secret, you have. I hope I know yours."

Emily slightly shook her head at the remark. She had tried to shake the memory away, but instead decided to keep it. "Not that you're complaining- you're noticing out loud."

"I'm noticing out loud," JJ repeated, and finally walked through the apartment to head home.


	18. I'm Sorry You Aren't A Better Person

"Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss, back from the BAU-dead," Morgan loudly teased as Emily walked into the same empty bar he always seemed to use to meet up with old team members. "Can't keep a good woman down."

"No they can't," She laughed and gave the man a hug before they both sat down at the same table he had found himself sitting at with Garcia nearly two years prior.

"Nearly two years back and I barely get a visit."

Emily knew the man was only playing around. He was by then well aware of the past two years of chaos Emily had to endure, not just as a member of the team but the unit chief. Still, she raised her hands in the air to 'surrender' at the statement, "Hey, don't put that on me. You're the one busy on daddy duty."

"It's so great," Morgan admitted as his eyes lit up.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," He confirmed before he gave her a grin. "I'm not letting it go. Penelope finds room to make that 'long' trip out to Virginia."

"That's Garcia. We both know I can't be enticed by abs and James Perse v-necks," She teased with a smirk.

"Ice cold, Princess."

"So, you're happy?"

Morgan nodded along and raised his hand to signal for the waiter to bring Emily a beer, "I am. It took some time adjusting, but I like it. I like the 'everyday dad life' more than I even thought I would."

"Not feeling restless without being able to kick some doors in?"

"My only door kicking these days involves 'Morgan and Son Restorations.'"

Emily laughed and took a quick sip of her drink, "You did _not _name it that."

"Not yet, but I will."

Emily rolled her eyes at the name. She had missed Morgan and their little goodnatured jabs at each other. "And how is the Savannah?"

"Good," Morgan offered before a look of realization and subsequent smile took over his face, "I should be asking that to you, _Mrs._ Prentiss."

"I will always be Ms., 'M-S-dot,' Prentiss to you," She laughed a bit more awkwardly than before. "Tell me more about Hank."

"I know what you're doing," Morgan called out and pointed at the woman's poker face. "You're good, trying to use the boy against me. I want to know what's up with you, no deflecting. You're the one with the exciting life. I'm boo'd up and baby'd up."

"Boo'd up? You're too old to say that."

"I am not."

"Such a dad," She tsked, which only made Morgan smile again.

"You're not going to tell me anything about her then? That's weird as hell, Prentiss."

Emily conceded the point with a shrug. "She wants a baby."

Morgan nodded for her to go on. He didn't think that was an issue, unless what he believed to be true was true. In the end, Morgan kept talking because it was obvious Emily wouldn't, "And you don't? I gotta admit, always thought that- motherhood- would be right up your alley, Prentiss."

"I think I'm on the wrong side of forty-five for that."

Morgan grew quiet at the comment, "Well thank god I made the cut with Hank. Sorry to any other future sibling of his-"

"-No, I didn't mean it like that," Emily cut in and tried to reach towards the man. That was, before he let out a laugh signaling he was only kidding.

"Your face," Morgan laughed again, "Weak excuse. First of all, the whole point is just ridiculous. You don't die after forty-five, and I know for a fact that you of all people don't give a fuck about getting older. Second of all, a lot of parents are older than you. So is it 'a kid,' or is it the person you'd be having it with? Because I will tell you there is no 'kind of' with a kid. You are all in with a kid."

"Yeah, you are."

It was the suddenly solemn voice and rigid body language that clued in Morgan to the extent of his friend's reluctance. "Kids are another cog in the machine of marriage. More than a cog- they're sometimes the whole damn machine. You stick it out for kids. Look at JJ." Emily expressed her silent agreement with a slight tilt of the head. "Those two didn't have much chemistry. I mean, we all saw it. None of us saw them and thought they were: it. Will is a good guy, but he went from 'a guy' to '_the_ guy' real quick. Like I said, he's solid, but you stay in it for kids. Even when it's not right. What I'm saying is- you better be sure before you do it with her."

"We've only been married a couple years. It's still soon."

Morgan chuckled, "You've been together for around five."

It had surprised her to hear it put like that. Emily hadn't realized how long she had spent with Ashley Seaver. It felt like one day they were just getting to know each other, and the next it had been five years. Truthfully, they had both kind of disappeared into the relationship after the first two years; after the 'honeymoon period.' They were lucky- to work so much- because it almost always ensured the honeymoon period lasted longer. Then again, when you're in a honeymoon period for two years it's easy to assume it will be like that forever. It's deceptive. Then, you realize it. Emily was careful not to allow herself to reflect on what she meant by _realizing it._ But one thought she couldn't hide from was that if you were to ask her what important moments her and Ashley had shared together over the past five years, Emily wasn't sure she could name more than one or two. She could maybe bump it up to ten if they started counting fights. There had been plenty of those.

Morgan read the guilt Emily had written all over her face. He'd seen it often enough over the past ten years to notice. "You know, baby girl has been teaching me about one of the great witches in history."

"Bridget Bishop?"

"Stevie Nicks," Morgan clarified, which earned a hearty laugh from the brunette. "Let me finish, okay?" Emily motioned with her hand for him to go on, so he did, "Did you know Stevie Nicks has been married before?"

"Yes."

"Neither did I. Her best friend died, and she married the best friend's husband. It was a way to cope with her grief. Then one day she realized how insane it was and they ended it. Grief- Emily it can make us do some crazy things. Sometimes we do things we never would because we're sad. We don't always make the best decisions."

"It's a shitty thing to do."

"Humans do shitty things," Morgan shrugged.

"Derek Morgan not judgmental for once. I'm shocked."

"Parenthood teaches you things aren't in black and white. Just the other day I dropped Hank in the bath. Was supposed to be helping him get out and he just slid away. We gotta keep it moving." They both laughed at the visual. "We can't let grief control us or our lives, Emily."

"It's an entirely different situation," Emily quietly replied. She has said it in a tone of confession. What Derek had suggested had been true. She had married Ashley out of grief. And much as she hated it about herself, as much as it hurt to admit, Emily had just tried to move on with Ashley. She had really tried with her. She had 'forced' it over the past year with the younger woman. Maybe if Hotch had never left the two would have stayed married forever. They- Emily- may not have been completely happy, but they probably could be happy enough to stay married. But after a move back to D.C.? Back with JJ in their lives? No marriage of Emily's would ever survive that. "It's an oversimplification."

"Fair enough, but let me just say this: JJ wasn't happy with her life so she changed her life. That's it. She realized she didn't love Will and ended it, and I think they're both better off for it. That was her decision for herself and for her family. If you're happy in your life, and you love Ashley then make it work. Go to marriage counseling. Ask for a transfer. Ask for a new promotion. Have a kid with her. Do something to fix your relationship with this person if you're happy with them."

"And if I'm not," She hadn't phrased it as a question.

"If you're not happy, then you're not happy," Derek offered with a shrug. "Sometimes, I think that just happens. Now, ask me if that makes you a bad person."

Emily rolled her eyes at the man and sarcastically repeated, "Does-that-make-me-a-bad-person?"

"No, it just makes you a person. People make mistakes. People fuck everything up." It was the bluntness of the statement that had earned another real laugh from Emily. "Sometimes, you give it your all, and it's not enough. That's okay. It's okay to recognize when it's not working anymore."

"I think I could have been happy- if we stayed in London." Emily looked up at her friend and waited to make sure his face stayed warm and approving before she continued on. "It's like how when you're a kid and you really want something. You want something and you don't get it, but you get something else. And you know you should be grateful for it. You should grateful you have anything because not everyone does, but when you're around the thing you really wanted…You just keep noticing because you want them. Even if no one else would notice." She was engaged in a staring contest with the green bottle in front of her. She was worried she had chose the wrong words. _Why did I keep calling her a "thing."_

Emily had been exceptionally honest, and that's why he went on to say it. "But you do?"

"I do."

"And you do because it's JJ?"

"Because it's JJ."

"And you've always loved her?" He ventured further.

"And I've always loved her."

She was hunched over and unguarded. She was so consumed in the admission that she didn't notice the half-mocking, half-loving smile that had made its way onto his face. She didn't notice at first, but she definitely did after Morgan left her with his last piece of advice of the night, before going on to show her baby picture after picture. "Prentiss, you are so dumb."

"Huh?"

"That woman has been in love with you forever. You just never saw it. Never thought it was possible for whatever reason. And you were the only who thought it impossible…You've done some stupid shit. So, stop doing stupid shit."

* * *

It had taken a week- and then a case- since the talk with Derek Morgan before Emily had definitely decided to say something. But there she had found herself, one week later, leaning her head against the front door she didn't want to open. This is why she had hardly ever dated. She hated the emotional aftermath- the fallout. There was just no way not to hurt someone, and Emily hated confrontation. She had wondered on the plane ride home if there was any way she could just send an email or a fax instead. She missed the lost art of the fax.

Ashley had been sitting in the same place she always had when Emily walked thought the door. The T.V. was on mute, and the house was silent until Ashley noticed her presence. "Hey, how was it?"

"We got the guy, but you know how it is." She doesn't go into it any further. Instead Emily put her bags and blazer down on the kitchen counter, and grabbed a chair from the kitchen to pull and position across from Ashley.

It was immediate, that sense Ashley got that told her something was wrong. She could read it the second Emily got home. Most of all, it was the body language that tipped her off. It was the way Emily sat in front of her and leaned forward, much like how she talks to a victim, or even an unsub she's trying to play. Ashley found it unsettling, because she knew what had been coming next. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah," Ashley said before she turned off the T.V. "It's serious then?"

Emily nodded at the question, "It's about us. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry about?" It was said notably more bitter than the voice Emily had used. Ashley could already guess where the conversation was headed.

"I'm sorry, because I haven't been good to you. I asked you to marry me, but I don't think I've ever lived up to what a wife is supposed to be."

It was the honesty in Emily's voice that had slightly disarmed the redhead, but her arms were still crossed and she was still staring at Emily with furrowed brows, "No, you haven't."

"No, I haven't."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

Emily sighed and shook her head. Another sign, another symbol for Ashley to read. "I don't think we're right for each other. I don't think I'm right for you."

"So it's the 'not you it's me' line."

"It's the truth this time," Emily admitted. Her voice was tired, but Emily thought it probably more the guilt and nerves than anything else. "I can't give you what you want."

"You never tried."

Emily breathed out her next sentence, "You're probably right."

Ashley bit her bottom lip to stop the threat of crying when she asked, "Is there somebody else?"

"No," Emily replied back confidently. But she decided that the other woman at least deserved to know the truth. "There isn't. There was somebody- there was somebody else a long time ago. Before I ever met you, but I don't think I've been able to be the person you deserve because of her. I wanted to. For so long that's what I wanted more than anything, but I don't think I'll ever be able to be that for anyone. No matter how much I may care and love-"

"-But not as much as you love JJ?" The interruption was more of a statement than a question. Emily didn't bother to argue back or explain, she just braced herself and let Ashley go on. "I'm not stupid, Emily. You might not think I'm as smart or perceptive as you, and maybe you would be right. But I'm not stupid. I can see things when they're right in front of me. I can see the difference in how you treat me, because I'm your consolation prize. And you know what?" She yelled as she got off the sofa and moved to pace around the room, "I thought to myself- I must be crazy. Because there is no way Emily Prentiss- someone who I loved but also fucking admired- no way she would put me through that. I never thought my _wife _could ask me to marry her when she was in love with someone else." Each word is laced with venom, and Emily felt she deserved each one. "It's fucking ridiculous is what it is. I moved for you. I put up with so much shit!"

"Ashley-"

"Tell me I'm wrong!"

Emily had then gotten up herself, but she was stationary, decidedly more calm. She chose to be calm. It was what Ashley deserved, at the very least. At least Emily had known what was coming when she walked through that door. Then again, the brunette couldn't think of a 'better' time to bring the subject up. There were no 'good times' for that type of conversation. "You are wrong if you think I didn't love you. You'll always be special to me because when I met you, I didn't believe in anything but work anymore, but you…You helped me care about other things. It's not fair to you, and for that I'm _so_ sorry. It's not fair for you because I don't think it's not enough to build a life on."

"If we had stayed in London- if you never had been back with her- would we still be happy?"

It was a question that Emily had asked herself over the past couple of weeks, and she decided to share what she had finally come to realize, "No. No, we wouldn't be. You would wake up one day, and realize the same thing all over again, that there's too much I can't give you. Deep down you would know life is a long time to settle and sacrifice for someone- even if you loved me. I'm sorry I didn't give you enough... I'm sorry I wasn't a better person for you."

"I'm sorry you aren't a better person, too," Ashley shot back with a glare. "How long? How long before I should expect to hear the FBI gossip about you two?"

"What?"

"You owe me this, Emily. At the fucking least- when do I have to be prepared?"

"She's working out her own stuff. I'm not telling you to just go run off with her-" Emily is interrupted by a bitter laugh.

Ashley roughly rubbed the tears from her eyes. She wasn't sure if she was currently more upset about the situation, or the fact that she had let Emily see her cry over her. "All of this? All of this for- God, I don't get you."

Those were the last words that Ashley Seaver had on the subject for the night. Wordlessly, she had left Emily alone in the living room, their bedroom door firmly shut signaling that Emily was in no way welcome inside. It had gone quicker than she had thought. She had expected it to be a longer conversation, but, once the conversation had started, it was fairly clear to Emily that Ashley was already done by the point too.

* * *

**I know some people did like Ashley and Emily together, but from the get go I always kind of wanted this story to be about making a wrong choice, and just admitting you're wrong and ending things. This story was always supposed to be an emotional grind, but my next one will be probably more about new beginnings and crime-centered. **

**I hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but I really didn't want to change the story after I already wrote it because then it would fall apart lol. **

**Next chapter is the last chapter. **


	19. Hi, I'm Emily Prentiss

**Last chapter. **

**We made it, and it didn't take me three years to finish so I consider that a success. **

* * *

_Parallels._

It was only fitting that Emily Prentiss would be served divorce papers at work. And just like she had understood it eleven years prior when it was Hotch being served, she had understood it when it was her turn. It was hardly as much of a spectacle- she was in her office alone when the papers were served- but it still made her laugh just the same. Life had a funny way of repeating itself. To be fair to Ashley, it was a good place to catch the brunette. Two seasons had come and gone, and she had hardly left the confines of her office.

At a certain point- she was certain it was after Reid and Garcia had been kidnapped and, thankfully, saved- the team had just stopped asking about the redheaded woman altogether. It was as if after watching Emily rush after JJ, desperate to comfort her in a way she wouldn't have done before when Ashley Seaver was around, they had all figured it out. The way JJ seemed to cling to Emily during the teenage girl case concerning her hometown only cemented what they all knew. Again, there was something there, and there had been for a long time. Of course, Rossi had figured it out first, but he always had a knack for fraternization profiling. Truthfully, it just all made sense. None of the team, in their brief interactions with the Ashley and Emily, thought they were right for each other.

If you were to have asked Tara to summarize why, she would have put it like this: Emily Prentiss was tough but not harsh, and Ashley Seaver was harsh but not tough. One woman's qualities weren't superior to the other's. They were just different. Emily Prentiss was one of the toughest people Tara Lewis had ever met. She was strong- always determined. But she wasn't harsh. She was loving and soft and all the things that made her a terrific unit chief. However, that toughness was hard to break through- Tara wasn't sure anyone else had ever broken through it quite like JJ had, either. That could be extremely challenging to be in a relationship with. It could be nearly impossible to be married to someone who refused to open up to you, because then you would assume everything is fine even when it wasn't. On the other hand, Ashley Seaver was harsh, but not tough. She was sensitive, which was always a good quality in a partner. And it was her 'harshness' that made her fiercely loyal. It was also her harshness that could make her seem cold and cruel. When you put the two together, you would have one woman who always seemed 'fine' so you never bothered to check, and another who always came off as dismissive and ruthless to anyone else outside of that relationship- which would lead the 'tough' but not harsh party to shut down.

So, no, when it came to the divorce of Emily Prentiss and Ashley Seaver, Dr. Tara Lewis was not surprised. Neither was anyone else who had _really_ known the women, or Simmons. To be fair, Luke was a little surprised. As a result, the team kind of just waited. Waited for the inevitable. They waited for that fall night.

There had always been a sense of normalcy the BAU had lulled the them into. Sure, it was the most abnormal work out there, but it was _work. _No matter what was going on in their individual lives, they always had the BAU.

Months and months had passed, and the monotony of case work had started up again. It was cyclical. Once again, Emily had focused on her work, and most of JJ's time was preoccupied with mediations and custody agreements. However, despite their different places in and experiences in life, like they had twelve years prior, the two women had come back together in friendship. They had found their ways back to each other, and, perhaps most importantly, they had found their ways back to being themselves, individually. A lot of years had passed between the two. JJ's eyes weren't quite as bright as they had used to be, dulled after the fifteen years of cases she had seen. The bags under Emily's eyes were a little darker- finally letting on how cases did, in fact, affect her. There was a little more gray in both of the women's hair, but their connection had always remained the same.

* * *

It always started with a knock on an office door. "Hey you," Emily greeted when JJ entered. It was late, around nine, and most everyone else had already left. They had both been working late. JJ was working on case files, and Emily had been doing the all-familiar unit chief paperwork. But by the time JJ had walked into the brunette's office, she had been packing up to go home.

"Hey you, too, wanted to give this to you."

"Thanks," Emily smiled and lifted the stack of papers JJ had just presented her to signal her appreciation. "Heading out?" Emily asked as she threw the papers on her desk and leaned against it.

"Yeah," JJ answered in a distracted voice as she watched the pile of papers land and spread out a little. She fixed her attention back on Emily with a smile, "You're a slob now."

"What?"

"You always criticized my office and your-"

"-JJ, it's one stack of papers. You can't compare that to the Chernobyl that was your liaison office," Emily challenged with a grin. "You don't even have an office anymore, and your desk is still a mess."

"It's not."

"I'm shocked I got my office back last year, and it wasn't condemned after you had your way with it. Files and Cheeto dust everywhere…" Emily drifted off and gave JJ a look that showed she was contemplating something. "Why are you still here?"

"I'm working."

"You don't have the boys then?"

"No."

Emily nodded at the reply, and JJ can't help but smile at Emily's concern. "JJ, the offer still stands- if you need to reduce the hours a little I can help with the paper work-" A snort from JJ interrupted Emily's offer, "-I can handle a little more paperwork. I swear I don't have that much."

There was a wide smile and accompanying eye roll from JJ towards that blatant lie. She knew Emily, just like Hotch before her, was always drowning in paperwork. "You are such a liar."

"I'm not. It's just an offer."

It was just so typical of Emily. Always there for everyone, always ready to help everyone- always ready to help _her_. "Things are going to be really calm, and boring too, soon. We're finally in the home stretch of the proceedings. So, _really_, I'll let you know if I have an emergency, but the schedule is the schedule."

"Okay," Emily confirmed with a clap of her hands.

"How did yours go so fast?"

"No kids and Seaver was pretty done. Which reminds me, if I ever get abducted again-"

"Don't call the critical response team, got it," JJ joked back. "So she's 'Seaver' now?" JJ questioned with the raise of an eyebrow.

She wasn't sure what possessed her to, but Emily ignored the question and instead asked one of her own, "If we could do it all over again, no risk to losing Michael or Henry, how would we do it?" She didn't have to explain any further. The twinkle and tiny smile let on that JJ knew exactly what she was asking.

"Well, you would walk through my office again, and say: 'Hi, I'm Emily Prentiss."

Emily looked back up from the floor to smile and agreed, "It's a good line."

"It's a _GREAT _line," JJ reaffirmed with a laugh, "And that was how we met. And we became really good friends. We laughed all the time. I'd keep all of that the same."

"We kept it slow."

JJ's pitch rose a little to reveal her excitement, "We did! It worked for us. We started slow because we both knew we were building a foundation for something bigger, something heavier. And then you stupidly resigned for Hotch-"

"-And you were mad."

"I was so mad! But I came over to your apartment that same night, and you knew."

"And I knew." Emily smirked.

"You were still scared," JJ said, her voice a little softer and a little more serious. "But we still didn't fall apart. You decided to take a risk, and you asked me to do it. It was in a roundabout way-"

"-Of course."

"Of course," JJ nodded. "But you asked me to stop seeing Will for you."

"And you did."

"I did," JJ agreed in a hushed voice.

"After you told me, I said it back," Emily added in a thoughtful voice, "I told you that I loved you."

JJ's eyes became a little more watery at that, "And you told me about Doyle eventually. Not all the details at first, but enough because you trusted me. You trusted that I loved you, no matter what, because I love you no matter what."

"We had kids."

"Remember how scared you were at first? It was something you wanted so bad, but you were worried you weren't good for it."

"Remember how you worried you were too young?"

"I was!" JJ teased. Her body softened even more, "But we did it anyway. We adopted our daughter because you couldn't deal with me without coffee for another nine months." A quick laugh from Emily had interrupted JJ for a moment. "…Do you remember the first time I was pregnant? How furious I was with you because you kept putting your life in danger, and I had to see and hear it? I would get so angry."

"You never held it in. You would always tell me how angry you were, no matter what."

"And we fought."

"We fought, but it never broke us," Emily said.

"We fought a lot about it," JJ gently laughed, "But deep down I knew that was just part of the woman who I love. I still got mad and ranted about it, especially when I heard about your flirting on cases while I was on maternity leave!" The reminder made them both snicker, "But I accepted it, always. And I did because I love you."

Emily didn't mention it, but she noticed how each time JJ said 'love' not 'loved.' "You took the job at State, but it didn't matter because we still had each other."

"I called every night I was away."

"And every night I reminded you it would all be okay…When Doyle came, I ran and tried to protect us. But I had given you a warning and said goodbye, first. You used that head start to find me. You saved me, again."

Tears had _really _started to form in the corner of JJ's eyes. "You still had to go on the run, but we kept finding ways to stay in constant contact with each other. You didn't worry that I wouldn't wait for you. The thought didn't even cross your mine because you knew you've always been it for me. And I didn't worry about you not getting better, because I knew, no matter what, you would do anything to fight to get back to your family. It was hard-"

"-It was hard but we got through it."

"It made us stronger."

"Then, I came home to you."

"You came back to me," JJ nodded and swallowed another round of emotion, "You went through some stuff, and I would always be reaching out to hold or touch you. But you didn't get bothered by that or worry I was coddling you, because you knew it just showed how much I love you."

"I struggled and I retreated into myself, but I didn't pull away completely. I talked to you- only you at first- but I talked to you."

"And that's all I had ever wanted from you."

Emily reached up to gingerly run her fingers over JJ's lower arm, from the elbow to the wrist. "You talked to me about State. You told me all about it, and I was there for you. I was there for you."

"And you never went to London. You didn't get a promotion, but-"

"-But I never thought about even wanting one."

"Someday, you asked me if I wanted to get married. It was lazy, because we both knew deep down we didn't need the paper. We always knew we didn't need any outside confirmation. We got engaged, but just never got around to it. But we didn't care because we knew marriage is supposed to be a lifetime- and one lifetime wasn't nearly long enough for us."

Emily silently nodded and agreed with each point. She smiled when she noticed the red tint of the other woman's eyes, and the way the emotion had taken over her. She cleared her throat of her own tender feelings and asked, "Then what happened?"

"We were happy."

"It sounds like we had a great life."

"We did."

"So, that's how we did it?"

"Yes," JJ's wide, loving eyes were fixed completely on the older woman, which enabled her to notice Emily stand up from leaning on the desk and move to stand even closer to her. Her dark eyes swirled with emotion. She was completely open and vulnerable. At first, JJ was sure Emily was going to kiss her, but in the end it was even better. It was a sign of all the kisses, and affection, and late nights, and early mornings together to come. Because instead, Emily stretched out her arm and said it:

"Hi, I'm Emily Prentiss."

* * *

**I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and review this story. It's always fun to write Emily as a character because she's still so underutilized. The CM writers really need to appreciate Emily more. **

**Since I really put Jemily fans through the ringer with my last story, I wanted to end this one on a happy note. I've never written a sequel I've liked, and I'd like to keep this timeline happy and hopeful (without anymore drama) so I'm not going to be doing one after all. **

**I did get an interesting idea from a PM that would work with the criminal case I'm ironing out. If you're a straight-up Emily fan I hope you check you out, and if you're a strictly a Jemily fan I hope everyone is happy with how this one ended. **


End file.
